20th of February, 2012
11:58 pm
To my dearest best friend John,
Recently, I noticed your eagerness to know my sexuality. You did a lot of things just to interrogate me. It has been a tough decision for me to do this, but I think I’m ready to tell this part of my life.
I am gay. I discovered that when I was in college. I really don’t know what exactly happened to me for in high school I was totally normal. I was not attracted to my same sex. In fact, I had girlfriends back in high school. It was in adolescence. In college, I felt something wrong with my feelings.
At first, I was denial. I couldn’t accept it. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Later on, I accepted the fact. I ventured and engaged myself to gay activities. I have experienced having a formal relationship with a man in college. It was my first and it was a serious relationship. However, it took only a couple of months to break up with him because I couldn’t bear it. I was disgusted with myself. I have thought that this was not my fate.
Later on, I have realized that I need to change for this was not right. Religion and my parents pushed me to change. My religion taught me to say “NO” to gay activities. Similarly, my parents were my inspirations to take a big change in my life. I know they wouldn’t be happy to know that their son is gay.
I strived harder for a change. It was too difficult because temptations are everywhere. It was so hard to fight with temptations. The more I avoid them, the more they grow bigger and tougher. Every day is a battle. I fight. I fall down on my knees. I crawl. Yet, I keep back on standing over and over again.
Now, I am under a process called change. People are judging me as if they know me better. Their words are very painful. They cut me with their sharp stares. They crush me down into tiny pieces. I am tattered. It’s very hard and it will be harder in the future. I hope I can endure it throughout my life.
Even I am changing, I am still prone to temptations. I am vulnerable; fragile as a mirror. Nevertheless, with so much conviction, I will do my best not to give in to temptations again.
Why am I writing this to you? I am saying this because I can’t put up pretending and lying all the time just to answer your questions. I hate liars. I hate to lie as well. Each time I lie to you, I feel very guilty because you are my best friend. I can’t help myself anymore from telling this. You are the only person I can truly trust; you are a genuine person. Furthermore, I am certain that you will understand me. I have seen your understanding and kindness which I don’t see to anyone else. People surround me misunderstand me so much all the time, but you did not. I trust you so deeply. This is the truth! Stop asking anything again about my sexuality. Please see not the past I have had, but the present I am living now. I am not asking for sympathy, but respect is what I’m all asking for. Your kindness and consideration are much appreciated. Bless you, my friend!
With so much truth,
Albert
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Please leave a comment. Is Alber right to forget who he is and change himself into a man he wants to be, or accept who he really is and show to the world his true color?
