Spiced Molasses

Chapter 22

Beth didn't start the day with grief in her bones. Her alarm had gone off and she'd gone about her day as usual. She'd showered slowly. Daryl was already gone and she had the apartment to herself. She lathered her body up in that distinctive shower gel, which felt more illicit than ever. She could not imagine doing any differently, though it never seeped into her skin the way it did with Daryl. Throughout the day, maybe she'd get sporadic hints of it on herself but that same scent on Daryl felt like part of his essence. As her hands ran over her body she wondered what it would be like to have that same aroma rubbed along her skin from contact with Daryl.

Her cheeks felt warm and her body throbbed at the idea. Her hand had drifted lower before conscious thought could catch up. When she realised what she was doing she turned the temperature down abruptly and tried not to wrinkle her nose at the fact she essentially needed a cold shower to curb her inappropriate thoughts of Daryl.

Beth had always taken the stance that when it came to sex; she wanted to wait until the right kind of guy came along. But she was no stranger to hormones and she'd explored her own body before. Doing it while thinking of Daryl was too far she told herself.

She had some left over coffee from the pot Daryl must have made earlier in the day and checked her phone. This was another difference from her former life. Once upon a time, the very first thing she'd done when she'd woken up was check her phone, usually with only one eye open. Now, what was the point? Only one person had her number.

She was surprised to see she had a text there. Daryl revealed his age or maybe just his rural roots with his disinterest in technology. He didn't waste much energy sending pointless texts. This one was no different. It was to the point, reminding her that Haley and Karen would be picking her up around noon for the girl's day. He also added that there was a credit card on the desk and that she should take it.

Beth fiddled with her bracelet nervously. It was the first time she had been outside without Daryl to shadow her. Part of her was excited beyond belief and part of her was terrified. She trusted Daryl's judgement on the matter. She didn't know what made her look at the top corner of her phone's tiny screen. It would have just been a passing glance but that was enough. She saw the date.

It was Maggie's birthday. Her hand slipped a little and hot coffee splashed her wrist. She carefully put the coffee down and sagged against the bench. This was the first birthday she hadn't been there for. This year she hadn't gotten Maggie a present, she hadn't baked a cake, she didn't even know where she was. Maybe she wasn't even in America anymore.

Beth's throat felt too tight and that heavy sadness that she'd managed to fend off crashed around her. Her stomach roiled and for a few agonising minutes, Beth worried she might retch where she stood. She felt awful, she had allowed herself to get caught up in the whirlwind of her new life and it wasn't even real.

Her legs felt weak and all she wanted was to stumble back into the bedroom and curl into a foetal position until the roaring, white noise in her ears subsided. In fact, Beth made it as far as the couch. She spotted the boxing bag and put a tentative hand on it. There was no way to describe the stuffy, chalky scent it seemed to embody with the itchy edge of artificial material. She knew that smell almost as well as she knew Daryl's. She had spent days beating it, sweating as she hit the rough material with carefully wrapped knuckles. It steadied her. She wasn't helpless.

Just like that, her anguish transformed into rage. She struck the bag aggressively. There was a dull ache in her hand but it was just the standard pain. Because she knew how to hit now. She could fight now. A hot and angry tear escaped down her cheek and she brushed it away furiously. Even though she wasn't feeble anymore, it didn't change anything. She still couldn't wrap her arms around her sister and tell her how much she loved her.