Memories run through my mind. They make it hard to believe what my reality is. They drown me.
***
Lucinda and I are walking in the woods. Her tummy's getting so big. It kinda scares me....a lot.... "Are you okay?" She asks me
"Yeah, sure. Fine." I lie to her
Truth is I'm freaking out! Like you have no idea! I can't be a dad! I'm not even eighteen! What the fuck! "Mika I get it. You're scared." She says
Fuck she can read my mind. God damnit. "I'm not." I lie
"I'm scared to."
"You are?"
"Duh!"
"But never once have I seen you freak out."
"It's called hiding it. But we gotta talk about stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Like no more smoking. Or drinking. Or cussing. None of that shit. I want this baby to be healthy Mika."
"Ugh. Okay."
"I better be the only girl you're with. I swear to God. If you cheat on me-"
"You think I'm cheating on you?!"
"No I'm just warning you. If I ever find out you stuck your-"
"I'm not gonna cheat on you! God have some faith."
"I love you Mika. I don't want to get screwed over."
"I won't hurt you. I swear."
***
I take another drag of my cigarette. I hate this. I hate life. I hate her. I can't even say her name. It just fucking hurts! I roll up the sleeve of my shirt. I press my cigarette to my skin. It stings a little. I stop and watch it heal. Mother Fucker! "God damnit." I hiss
I start chugging the beer I took from Johnny. He didn't need it. I'm outside by myself. I put the can down next to me. I lay my head against the concrete. I look at the water. Maybe Cole was onto something. Maybe ending it is the best. No one needs me. Beth could raise Aiden. Hell he might turn out to be a decent kid without me. Maybe then he'll have a chance. "Mika?" I hear someone call my name
I look up to see Lori looking hovering over me. "Hello." I tell her
"You're drunk." She says as she sits down beside me
"Yeah, well old habbits die hard."
"Don't do this Mika."
"Do what?"
"Not everyone's given up on you."
"Like 99.9% of them have. Why can't I give up on myself if everyone else is?"
"No they haven't. Not everyone."
"Oh, yeah? Who hasn't?"
"Cole-"
"Cole hates me."
"Emmett-"
"I turned Emmett into a monster. He'd give up on me if he knew."
"Duncan-"
"I barely know him."
"Stephen hasn't and niether has Johnny."
"Oh, yay two people."
"I haven't given up on you."
"True. Why haven't you?"
