Pride & Prejudice & Alienz (Josh Dun)

I

It is a truth universally acknowledged that getting out of bed before noon on a day off is completely unnecessary and fully unwanted. Sadly, no one seemed to have given my roommates that memo. I could hear them long before they reached my bedroom door, their laughter sneaking in under the crack and reaching me despite my efforts to hide under many heavy layers of fabric. Surely, if I didn't move they wouldn't see me like some Jurassic beast hunting down its prey. Then came Lydia's voice and her surprisingly dense body weight crashing down on me like a ton of bricks, shattering any hope I had held so dearly. "Beth," she said, sounding an awful lot like a woman with a mission.

I poked my head out just in time to hear the soft footfalls of Jenna as she poked her head into the room, gracious and polite enough to not enter without an invitation. Still, even from my unfavorable position I could see a look of excitement on her face and I knew my worst fears were soon to be confirmed. "They're so hot," Lydia announced abruptly. "Like, so, so hot. Jenna and I drove by while they were lugging stuff in and of course I stopped to welcome them to the neighborhood!" My eyes bounced back and forth between the two and I groaned.

"They seemed very nice," Jenna added after Lydia's prattling had started to trickle off. But like a shark out for blood, Lydia sunk her teeth into the little morsel  Jenna offered. "Tyler was nice," she corrected, causing a frown to form on Jenna's face.  "Josh was just... stuffy. Buff, but stuffy. Buffy." Lydia spoke as if her word was law, with so much conviction and authority. Jenna just sighed, shaking her head with with a smile and carrying on down the hallway. 

"Well you won't have to worry about it for long, no one ever stays in that house. The landlord's such a douche, I give 'em three months before they're begging to break the lease" I reminded her as I turned away, trying to get comfortable again so I could resume getting the crucial sleep I needed. Lydia groaned and stood up, stomping out of the room but conveniently forgetting to shut the door. She knew I was right and she would be foolish to get her hopes up. No one ever stayed more than six months at that house on Netherfield Drive. We'd been living in the neighborhood for almost three years now and I've seen several families fly in and out of there so fast that the neighborhood kids were starting to suspect paranormal activity. I, on the other hand, knew better.

The landlord happened to be the father of one of my former students. Thankfully the boy had gone on to middle school in the previous year, but his father and I had already shared enough unpleasant encounters to last me a lifetime. At first I couldn't quite comprehend how a 12 year old could be so darn unlikable and rude, but upon meeting his father at a parent teacher conference and showing him all the inappropriate and downright mean assignments his son had turned in my class, it became all too clear where the problem truly lay. This dude was a massive tool. I mean... just a spectacular jerk.

This was a man who sat and devalued what I did as an art teacher, telling me my class was a complete waste of money and then rolled right into saying I was too sensitive to work with young kids so maybe I should do something suited more towards my sensitive skill level. I could only presume the reason Jason or Josh or whatever his name was seemed unpleasant was because he was now becoming aware of the complete crap storm he'd gotten himself into. Still, I knew it was only a matter of time before Lydia was inviting these people over and getting attached. Especially since they were apparently 'so, so hot.'

I was about to sink back into the the calming arms of sleep when my cellphone began to buzz obnoxiously. I grabbed it and glared at the screen, hoping it was my mom or someone I could just ignore for now. No such luck. 

"Hello?" I greet, doing my best impression of someone who had been awake for hours like a reasonable member of society.

"Bennet, I need chaperones," came the frantic reply I got instead of a greeting from my supervisor, Mrs. Thompson.

"...for what?" I was fairly certain there were no field-trips planned for the next few months, seeing as I was usually the first one asked to step in considering how  open my schedule was. 

She let out a groan and I knew this wasn't going to be good. "Apparently there's a nasty stomach bug going around and half of the middle school teachers dropped out of chaperoning the fall formal. Mac recruited me because he's desperate but I can't cover this on my own. Please, Bennet."

My knee jerk reaction was to inform my Madam Principal that I taught elementary school, but the desperation in her voice broke me. As much as a hardhead as she sometimes could be, I respected her too much to leave her hanging. I sighed. "Alright, but you owe me donuts for a week."

"Thank you so much, Beth!" she sighed out. "You're really saving me here. I gotta go make some more phone calls, but I really appreciate this."

I knew she did, there was no question in my mind. That didn't make me less pissed that I had to do it. I tossed my phone somewhere towards the foot of my bed and sat up fully, stretching out. I didn't even have time to stand up before Lydia was cruising back into the room. "What was that all about?" she asked.

I flopped back down and stared up at the ceiling, almost wishing for it to cave in on me. "I just got recruited to chaperone a dance," I inform her.

I hear her shuffle a little in the hall. "They're doing dances for the elementary now?" she asked.

"Nope."

Her only response is a loud bark of a laugh as she dances away.