XX Days Without Ryan

19th October 2015

October 19th, 2015 :

"I don't love you anymore E. I'm sorry."

I held on hard onto my phone. Three fingers at the back of the phone, the pinky at the bottom, the thumb for typing, in a texting position. My eyes trailed along those eight heart-piercing words, over and over and, over, again. Tears oozing out as it clouds my vision, taking me into an anaesthetise, deep slumber.

Texting at home :

"Holy shit that's the ugliest cardboard I've ever seen. What the hell is wrong with her ? She could've totally done a better job."

"Stop being so mean. I'm pretty sure she did her best."

"Next time Q is doing the cardboard. She's ten times better than Y in anything."

"Alright. That is if we're doing the project again."

"Babe ?"

"Yeah ?"

"I love you."

Flashing lights made me squint my eyes tight, as the luminescence shone down, some passing through the semi permeable eye lids. "Will you please shut the lights off, my eyeballs are sore as hell." I grumbled to A, my twelve year old sister, who was flicking the switch, as if there isn't anything else better to do. "Wake up ! It's already six, you bozo !" she dashed towards my bed as i rolled my eyes and shut my eye lids. "Five more minutes." I mumbled in the pillow.

"I love you." The only thing i see, when my eyes are closed. In the pitch black darkness, those three words protrude in white fonts. Forever engraved in my brain.

I love you. I mouthed those three words. I lay there quietly, waiting for an "I love you too". Even though i know i won't be hearing those three words again. I slowly got up from bed, the ball of both my feet pressed hard onto the polished pine wood flooring. I inhaled sharply as i felt the icy cold surface. Each step towards the bathroom makes me think of how should act in school later, when i see Him. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Blinking a few times just so i get to see a clearer image of my hideous 'morning-appearance'. Why is it that all i see is the dents, pimples and my utterly flat nose every bloody morning ?

"Now, THAT, is some gnarly shit." I thought, clearly annoyed.

"Shit, i'll be seeing him later." i frowned immediately as a mental picture of Him popped out.

"I'm so fucked later. Should i just act cool and chill as if it was just another, normal, night ? Or should i show everyone how messed up my heart is and that idiot boy fucked it into pieces ?" it's a really difficult situation alright, i mean i would really, like REALLY, love everyone to know what that monster did to me. But at the same time, it wouldn't be really nice to keep bragging about shit that only i'm facing and not anyone else, i mean its not like he fucked every girl's heart into pieces right ?

"Are you talking to yourself in that weird mind of yours there ?" A stood, crossing her arms, raising a brow.

"Yes now go away." I shooed her away and went to get some breakfast.

Speaking of breakfast, i don't usually eat much. Whenever i eat anything really early in the morning, say around six, it doesn't do any good to my stomach but create tons of somersaults.