XX Days Without Ryan

26th October 2015

October 26th, 2015 : 

"I wanted to end it since June."

There he is again talking to S. Sometimes it makes me wonder whats so special about all those girls he talks to. Am i not as good as them? I mean i doubt they really care for Him anyways, unlike me, ready to shower Him with all my love and care anytime. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he's just trying to catch my attention by talking to almost every single girl in our class except sad old E. Thinking about all those really tires me out, like i really need answers from Him. He needs to give me more than just a "I don't love you anymore, E." What is he trying to do? Get satisfaction from watching me suffer everyday in school? I don't know anymore. I'm so messed up. 

S is such a nice person, but the thought of her talking to Ryan all the time is just so bloody disturbing. I don't blame her, she's just being kind enough to chat a little with Him. Obviously i am jealous of S, having the opportunity to talk to Ryan is the best thing ever. She doesn't even need to do anything, and POOF he's already there walking up to her. Do you feel me? It's so frustrating. Whenever he talks to her, his face is so close to hers, always whispering sweet nothings to her, making her giggle or smile.  I miss those times, i really do. I know that we're not together anymore, and its suppose to be this way. Me, Him, no talk. Literally, no words should exchange between the both of us. But right now, i can't seem to accept it. At the same time feeling really unfair how he doesn't need to suffer at all since he's the dumper. 

"E i think you should take a break." Q said to me, looking concern. "Nah, i'm fine. Just a few more questions." I replied with a tiny smile. Add math is killing me, i swear. I'm never the best at numbers or geometry, just average. "Okay, so how do i integrate this thing again?" i frowned, hard. Feeling super tired of the endless Ryan-drama going on in my mind and add math combined, not a good thing at all. "I think i'm gonna go head down for break first, gotta grab something to replenish my brain power eh?" I laughed. 

Walking along the empty corridors, i stuck a hand into my pocket and slow-walked to get a sandwich or something. This is literally the best time to ponder really really hard on whats going on with life right now. How i'm coping up with terrible things, such as grades and Ryan-dramas. I really wish i could just forget about him and i would feel so so so much better. But then there's this small tiny part of me that doesn't want to let go of him, and i fear it'll continue to grow bigger. I really don't want this Ryan-drama to go on perpetually. Honestly, this break up is so obfuscate and vague. Fine he did give proper reasons for the cause of the break up but i still feel as if theres something else that he's not telling me. If he really is over me, he wouldn't talk to so many girls straight after our break up right? The girls he used to dislike are now his best friends, the girl that he never talked to before is now his chat buddy. What the fuck is going on??? And this is why no one should date Ryan. 

I took out my phone and plugged in the earphone into the headphone jack and selected one of my sappy songs on Spotify. 

"Had my chances, could've been where she is standing. That's what hurts the most. Boy, i came so close. But now you'll never know. Baby, i loved you first."  ( its actually sang from a guy's pov, but since I'm a girl ) 

I let out a huge sigh, every time i hear that verse playing. If only he knew how much i loved him. As i walked down to the cafe, i froze at the entrance. There he is again, sitting with a bunch of girls and laughing away. My heart just sags at the sight of Him, showing such elation with them. "Great, now i don't feel like eating anymore."  i thought. Do you see how its so torturous for me now? I have to literally watch Him flirt with all the girls. It's crazy i swear. 

I walked away and went to the canteen instead of the stupid cafe. The canteen doesn't sell much food, besides some dried chocolate rolls which are apparently the only decent thing available most of the time. I groaned and walked slowly all the way to the deserted canteen. I paid for two rolls and headed up to class. On the way up, i saw C and B walking up together. I sneaked up to C and whispered "Hello C." I smirked. C jerked and gave a slight shriek as soon as she turned around and saw me. "Oh my gosh E! You scared me!" she placed a hand on her chest, calming herself down. "Sorry, i just had to do that." i grinned. C has been one of the most trusted friend in school, we both understand each other very well, therefore leading us to becoming best friends. "Hey B." I greeted her with a smile. "Ew, look its E." B said jokingly, pulling a disgusted face. I gave her a sad face and she pulled me in for a hug. We both laughed. "What class are you having now E?" C asked. "I think its Physics. Fun time with Mr P eh?" I nudged her playfully. "Ugh, don't even get me started on Mr P. He doesn't do anything but just sits on that red chair and mumbles with his Australian accent." C rolled her eyes. "Yeah true, but you know you're really smart so you don't actually need Mr P's lessons." I stated. It's true, C is indeed the smartest girl in the entire year group. She nails every single subject and never fails to get straight A's all the time. She's amazing. "Okay, i got to go to class already. See you guys later during Accounts." I waved goodbye to them. As i was about to walk away, C came to me and asked, "Are you alright E? You  seem a little bit stressed out. Is it Him again?" I just gave her a nod and she understood. "Alright, well later when you get back home, text me about it yeah?" She patted me on the shoulder and left.