Rules of Attraction

Chapter 4

"So what's the new crisis, Jake?" Andy asked, setting the camera on the coffee table and kneeling to peer through it. He never seemed all that interested in Jake's girl problems, but I thought it made Andy feel better to hear that even if you could get a girlfriend, it wasn't always easy after that. He's only had one girlfriend, they're still dating and she's a slut. I hated Kasey, all she ever wants is sex, of course my brother never gave it to her, he respects girls and doesn't think she's ready.

"It's the end of the world," Jake said as I sat down on the other end of the couch from him. "I'm totally doomed. Hey, Anna, did you know that Ewan McGregor, Brad Pitt, and Will Smith were all offered the role of Neo in The Matrix before Keanu Reeves got it? They turned it down. Isn't that crazy?"

"It would have been much funnier with Will Smith," I said. Some days Jake's eyes were really blue, but today he was wearing a mossy green T-shirt that made them look a cool stormy gray color.

"Andy, you should make a movie like The Matrix," Jake said. "Anna could play Trinity."

"No problem," Andy said. "I was wondering what to do with that two hundred million dollars just lying around in my bank account."

"Oh, but," I said, snapping my fingers, "I'm afraid my leather catsuit is in the laundry. Too bad."

"That is too bad," Jake said earnestly. "I had this whole series of you-in-black-leather movies planned. X-men, Catwoman, King Kong . . . I'd be Naomi Watts and you'd be Kong, of course."

"Shut up," I said, flinging a throw pillow at him.

"What?" He said with a grin. "It's the grandest love story ever told."

Luckily Andy interrupted before I had to respond to that.

"Hello?" said her brother. "Crisis? Aren't we here for a reason? You don't sound all that doomed."

"I am," Jake said. "I'm totally doomed."

"Why?" I asked. As far as I knew, Jake had been single for a couple months, ever since Amy Sorrento had broken up with him for not calling her every single day. So it was probably a girl-he-wanted-to-date category of problem.

"Stacey Turner." said Jake.

My heart sank. Stacey was the classic popular girl- blonde, beautiful, and blissfully mean. Once she got her hooks into someone, they stayed hooked, even after she dumped him. If Jake had fallen for someone like her, maybe I didn't know him that well after all.

"Stacey Turner?" Andy said, "Isn't she kind of out of your league? She's like, really popular."

"Sadly, apparently not. She wants to go out with me. Maybe she sees some untapped popularity potential in me. If so, I vote for not tapping it. It can stay right where it is, Thanks."

"Stacey want's to go out with you?" Andy said.

I was relieved, but I did not appreciate Andy's shocked tone of voice. Why wouldn't anyone want to go out with Jake?

"Yup," Jake said. "She informed me of this in an e-mail."

"No way." I said.

"See for yourself." Jake pulled a piece of paper out of his back jeans pocket, unfolded it, and slid it over to her.

Jakey.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to date the hottest girl in school? I bet you have. I could tell you were thinking about it when I got lemonade from you at my sister's graduation ceremony. You were thinking, "If only Stacey would ever date me." Well, it's your lucky summer. I have decided that I need a boyfriend and here are the reasons we would be a perfect couple:

(1) our heights would match perfectly

(2) we'll both be at SpotLight this summer

(3) we're both cute and popular

(4) and so we'd be like the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt of SpotLight, only without the smelly orphans.

I imagine this feels like winning the lottery, doesn't it? Not that I'd notice if It did, since I'm already so rich, but I'm guessing you would, and it would be like just as way exciting as this. I'll meet you tomorrow at the front gate of Spotlight Camp so we can make our entrance together. Then I'll also debrief you on the Rules of Dating Stacey. How awesome will this be?

Kisses,

Stacey

"Oh, Jakey," I said, passing it on to Andy. "How can you resist?"

"I know," Jake said, "It's better than winning the lottery. It's like winning the lottery and falling down a well and being vomited on by a llama all at the same time."

I laughed, "So she's going to be at SpotLight Summer Camp too? Does she play tennis?" Lord, please don't let her be in the Beginners class with me. Please find some other horrible way of torturing me instead.

"Nope, she's working at the pool- training to be a lifeguard. So hopefully we won't have to see her too much."

I almost choked on my saliva, "She'd actually consider saving someones life?" I asked.

Jake shrugged.

"But she's always too busy ruining them!" I almost shouted. "I mean I thought saving someone's life was an act of God's children."

Jake and Andy broke out into laughter, and I just sat there with so much power.

Andy flattened out the printed e-mail on the table and videotaped it. "This is crazy," he said. "I didn't know girls ever did this kind of thing."

"Stacey Turner does anything she wants," Jake said. "Which is why you guys have to save me. I can't date her! First, it'll be painful and agonizing. She'll make me carry her things and bring her sodas and buy her stuff,and then she'll yell at me if I do anything wrong, and then she'll make fun of me to all her friends behind my back, and then she'll dump me and tell everyone what a dork I am and I'll never get a date in this town ever again. I may not be the world's most popular guy, but this will ruin me for the rest of high school. Remember what she did to Keith Barket? Or Alvaro? No, you don't, because once she was through with them, they disappeared from everyone's minds. Forever."

"However," Said Andy, "She is really hot. Like, Angelina Jolie- type hot."

"Ew, Andy!" I said, smacking his shoulder.

"She is!" Andy said, "Right, Jake?"

Jake shrugged. "I guess she's okay. Not my type."

"Not your- seriously?"

"Personally, I would've stayed with Jennifer Aniston," Jake said. "And did you miss the part about the 'Rules Of Dating Stacey'? Does that sound like fun to you? Man, I knew I shouldn't have met her eyes when she came up to get lemonade. I shouldn't have agreed to work the concession stand at graduation in the first place. Now it's going to be the worst summer ever." He slid onto the floor, pulled his knees up slightly and rested his arms on his knees plopping his face into his arms.

"Can't you just say no?" Andy asked.

"Even I know the answer to that." I smirked. "Nobody says no to Stacey." I understood exactly what Jake was worried about. She'd been avoiding Stacey since elementary school. If you stayed far under her radar, you could slip by unnoticed and unharmed, but if you popped into her line of sight in any way, she would rip you to shreds with one flick of her French-tipped nails.

"Doomed," Jake muttered. "Doooooomed."

"All right," Andy said. "Tell her you already have a girlfriend."

Jake thought for a minute. "Like, long-distance? I don't think she'll buy that. Plus it's only been a week since school ended. Where would I have picked a girlfriend in a week?"

"I dunno." Andy shrugged. "You could tell her you're dating Anna."