*Day two*
so this is the second day of writing in the journal and the first time since Ash's death that I have gotten a full night sleep. it seems like I am still holding on for dear life to keep sane. it seems like struggle everyday. and everyday I have to tell myself that I can make it through one more day and that it is ok. I cant keep doing this. I am not okay and I am not sure if I ever will be, to be honest. I hate to say it but I don't think I will be able to stop cutting and crying myself to sleep. I know that Ash wouldn't want me to be doing this but I didn't want him to kill himself. he told me a few weeks before he died that he has been getting beat up and being made fun of. both of us were always picked on and called Emo and Goth we have gotten pushed into locker and tripped by the jocks. I think he got the worst of it though. he always had to borrow my makeup to cover his bruises and cuts so his mom wont freak out. I always told him that he could come over to my house so he doesn't have to show his mom when the cuts and bruises were really bad. he didn't want to be a bother so he never came over when he was beat up. I always told him that he can get through the bullies and that I would help him but he never listened to me. he told me that we were always going to be bullied and that we have to except that. he was always a little pessimistic. he told me that he wasn't going to stand and take that abuse while other people point and laugh. I always hated that he pointed that out when we where in the halls. he would look at people and lean over to me and say " that person will laugh and that person will point and laugh while that one kicked us." I never liked to think about when we were going to be punched or kicked because of the way that we dress and the way that we act. It always pissed me off that nobody understood us. we where the only people that were what you would call rockers or metalheads. so many days were spent walking the halls of the horrible place called school getting dirty looks and glares from everybody we passed in the whole school. I always told him that we were like diamonds among filthy rocks and that would always make him smile. I always loved his dimpled smile. im really going to miss those...
