Phan Oneshots

This Can't Go On

A/N This might be a triggering thing. Depressing thoughts and some thoughts of assault but it doesn't actually happen. Read at your own risk. Fluffy but not until later.

The world is hazy around me. The colors I catch are twisted and deformed. I can vaguely feel a hand on my arm. Probably someone who is planning to kill or kidnap me. If I cared enough about myself I would try to writhe out of their grip, but at this point I couldn't care less. Let them take me.

Torture me until I can't feel the pain I have in my heart. Beat me black and blue 'til I can't recognize my own disgusting skin. Distort my mind and thoughts enough so that I forget my own life. To be completely honest, there aren't many good things I can remember anyway.

I've been living a lie. I thought, I thought I could do it. But I can't bring myself to tell him. This, I could ruin everything we have. No. I thought, Had. I'd pushed him away and now I was never getting him back. Not as a friend or a lover. Now I really had nothing to live for.

I was jolted out of my morose thoughts by another hand laid on my abdomen. I was getting assaulted. No. No I wasn't. There was no force, this hand was gentle. I had thoughts of who this was but I was not going to let myself indulge in thoughts of hope. I'm outside of a bar in the middle of London. There is no way he's here. How could he know?

My mind was foggy and I felt like there were weights tied to my feet. Strangely enough all I felt was numbness and those hands. I've felt these hands before. They were soft and experienced, as if all his twenty-nine years were encased in them. For years I've wanted these hands around my own but have been too scared. Too scared to even tell him who I am.

I needed to know it was him so I muttered out, "Phil? What are you doing here?" But due to my severe drunkenness it sounded more like, "Ph-Phill? Wha a-a ya dooeen her?" Phil gave me a disappointed and far away look like seeing me like this hurt him.

I'm one hundred percent sure I'm the one in pain. " Dan," he struggled out with a grunt, " please cooperate with me. Stop dragging your feet and try to walk. We need to get to the bend so I can get us a taxi. Alright?" I nodded even though he sounded like he was underwater. I need to lie down.

Suddenly I tasted bile in the back of my throat threatening to surface. I gagged and tried to get out Phil's grasp. He seemed to get the gist and let me stumble to a bin. I once again felt his hands on me, rubbing my back in comforting circles. Phil tapped my shoulder and held a hankie out to me. I gladly took it and wiped my eyes and mouth.

"Okay Phil. I'm done." I quite surprisingly mumbled out without too much struggle, except of course the slur. "C'mon then Dan. Only a few more steps now." After a few more feet I felt Phil stop abruptly, alerting me we were at the curb.

After hailing a cab we slid into the back. We also slid into an awkward silence. I felt like I had to say something. Anything at all to clear the air. But of course, being the coward I am I stayed silent until we got to the flat. The entire ride Phil had had his hand on my thigh. Thus making me even more dizzy.

Phil paid the driver and helped me out. I was still very tipsy so I had to lean on him for support. Emotional or physical support, I don't know. He led me up the stairs and into my bedroom, sitting me down on my bed. "Dan," he started, "that was really stupid what you did back there. You know that right? I know you're probably too drunk to even hear me right now but I could care less. I was worried for hours on end. I had to go to PJ to find out where you were." I made a mental note to talk to PJ in the morning. "Anyways. I'm going to let you sleep now." he paused and gave me a hug whispering, "I love you." Then he walked out leaving me close to tears.