Aly's Bio

I don't know

I've gotten to the point where I hardly feel anything. If I feel anything it's either being physically/emotionally exhausted, worried for friends who break daily and I can't help, or fear for school and life. I can hardly open up to anyone because I've pushed everything down for so long even I can't get to everything. If I open up I upset people. I want to go home and cut my arm completely but I won't. I won't let myself. My scars make me hate myself more and they're almost gone. There's someone who I'm dating who I love with all my heart. I don't deserve them. Cheerleaders flirt with them, everyone likes them. I love them and they could do SO much better. I wear hoodies because I'm disgusted with myself. I look anorexic and it grosses me out. People say: "I wish I was that skinny" or "Give this girl a hamburger" but honestly..no. People stare at me. People assume when I leave the room I'm making myself throw up. I DONT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. I EAT 2-3 MEALS A DAY PLUS SNACKS. IM GETTING BETTER WITH THAT. I was with friends this weekend who kept pointing out things about my appearance but little did they know they were pointing out my insecurities. Things I hate about myself. I have panic attacks almost everyday. If I was alone I'd lock myself in a dark room curl up into a ball and cry. I wish I could. Never be bothered by anyone or anything. Ever. Everyday I help people and I'm happy I can but it hurts me when I can't do anything. It hurts me more to watch everyone be broken. My poodle, twex, bunny, kitty, EVERYONE is broken. I break and I would talk but I know everyone has their own problems and I love helping but I never feel like I am. I push everything away because I WANT to be okay. I want to not have these problems. I want to not have scars. I want to be able to smile and look in the mirror, and actually help people. I push my problems away because I don't want to bother people and I don't want them to be real. My heart is being held together by tape and when I talk about things one piece of tape is ripped off. I can't even open up anymore. I put things behind a wall that I can't break down. I'm sorry to those who want to help and I can't open up to. I'm sorry I can't be good enough. And I'm sorry for being sorry. I'm just..sorry.

~Alyssa

F alling apart
I nsecure
N ot good
E nchilada