Flight Through Darkness

Untitled Part 9

That's how it is for the next...how long have I even been in here?

Now that's a good question.

Unfortunately, I've been denied a calendar so far, so I can't even tell what day it is today. Only my mom has been allowed to visit. Not even Sephiroth. Not even Tifa. Or any of my friends, for that matter. I suppose they're afraid that I'll ask them to bring in some tool that I can use to kill myself. It's rather cruel, if you look at it as depriving one of moral support. However, on the other hand, you could say it keeps me alive.

Why did I even want to die? That's the question my counsellor, who calls himself Rick, asks me everyday. There's always a female nurse hovering in the room, which makes answering rathe awkward. For the first few weeks or so I didn't answer. Kept silent while he bombarded me with questions. I didn't know what to say. "Because I think I'm going crazy? Because I'm hearing voices in my head like a maniac?" Not exactly the best answer to give. That is, until Rick told me this little thing.

"Look, kid, you don't want to answer, that's fine. But sooner or later if we don't clear up all these questions, you'll end up doing something stupid again. Like attempt suicide. It's not just you. Your mom? She depends on you. You're her precious daughter. She'd be heartbroken if anything happened to you again, not to mention your boyfriend and your pals. So stop thinking 'I deserve to die' and start thinking 'what would happen to them if I died?'. Now, are you ready to answer, or not?"

I started thinking.

So now, every day my answer is "because it was my fault Aerith died. Because I was sick of hearing those voices in my head." And then of course he'll ask why I didn't seek help.

"Because I didn't dare to." That's today's answer.

"Didn't dare? What were you afraid of?"

I hesitate, fingers digging into my bedspread. I know what I mean, but I don't know how to phrase it.

"I didn't want to be labeled a nutcase. I thought I could handle those voices myself."

Rick nods sympathetically and takes notes, a gesture that looks so odd compared to his gangster look. I have to fight back the urge to laugh, and it must have shown, because Rick raises an eyebrow. "You know, I haven't seen you do that even once in the one and a half months you've been here." He comments dryly, expression one of interest. "Why now?"

Ah, so I've been here for one and a half months. Its probably around December now. But what does he mean by 'that'?

He answers as if I've said that out loud. Which I probably have.

"You know, laugh. Giggle. Fight back a laugh. Anything, really, as long as it signaled your sense of normal humor returning. It means improvement. You might be out sooner than you think. Don't give up."

I nod, not knowing what to say. Then I ask for my phone to call my friends.

"Just to let them know I might be back soon. They're worried about...about me, right?"

Rick nods his assent and leaves the room briefly. I lie back on my pillows and think. What do I say?

Hey, it's me, the friend who's been gone for two months. I'm coming back soon? No.

It's Lilly. Expect me back soon because apparently I almost laughed today and the doctor says it's a good sign. No. That's just weird.

I'm still trying to figure out what to say when Rick returns with my mobile phone, tossing it to me. I fumble to catch it, not having had much movement since I've been stuck here in the ward, other than walks in the hospital gardens and to the cafeteria. The first thing I do is check the date. 27th December. I missed Christmas. While my mind processes this, my fingers automatically dial Sephiroth's number, then remember he's overseas. Strike one.

Tifa? I try it, hoping she will pick up.

Aha, you've dialed the Lockhart number, now leave your message and I'll get back to you.

I end that call and try the next number in my list.

Hello, you've called Aerith, sorry, but I'm busy now, leave a message and I'll call you back!

Idiot, she's dead, of course she can't pick up. Next number.

Sup? You're listening to the Zack Fair answering machine, leave your message and I'll call ya later!

Zack, not answering? Not surprising. Angeal tends to bug him about that a lot.

You've reached Angeal Hewley's answering machine. Your message will be sent via text to his number. Beep.

Angeal isn't picking up? That's strange.

Even if the morrow is barren of promises, nothing shall forestall my return...I will get back to you when I can.

Typical Genesis, using Loveless for his answering machine quote.

Hey, you called for Cloud? Sorry, I'm not in right now, leave a message and I'll try to contact you as soon as possible.

Even Cloud? This isn't looking too promising.

Rick's watching me intently as I try the numbers. "Everyone busy? That's too bad. Hand that over, please, and now you should get some rest. It's already 8pm."

Already? Don't you mean only 8pm? It's a bit early to be sleeping for me, but I'm a little too disappointed to protest. I hand the phone over reluctantly and draw the blankets over my shoulders as I flip onto my side in bed.

Is it just me, or do I see Rick smiling to himself before he exits the room?