The first thing I have to say is, get a cover made, or make one. There are plenty of people who can make them, but the picture you have now, that doesn't have a title, is pretty boring.
The "prolgue" is brilliant. There is a vast amount of detail involved in it, and it really sets the scene, which is fantastic for the readers.
I recommend if you like Fantasy, or stories that aren't set in current times.
Chapter One:
As I was reading, I noticed this line, "It hadn't worked, however, and now the older men grumbled about the smell of piss as well". Using the word "piss" feels like it cheapens that chapter. The description has been amazing so far, so I recommend you choosing the word "urine" instead of "piss".
I also think you should write "THEY ARE COMING" in italics. Apart from this, the chapter was great.
Chapter Two:
"Slightly chilly" doesn't feel like it fits in the sentence as Karla was speaking, I would change it to, "I noticed that your chambers were bitter", or something like that. Chilly just sound slightly common to be saying to a Queen, and you have also use "chill" previously. Apart from that, an enjoyable chapter. The Queen is certainly a character, isn't she?!
Chapter Three:
I have to ask, is Daryn pronouced "Darron"? I am enjoying the unusual names and spellings in this story. Quite a gruesome chapter, isn't it? But I find no faults.
Chapter Four:
The only fault I have found is that you have written the figure numbers instead of words, which wouldn't happen in a proper novel, so you should change that. I am really enjoying the plot-line and the book, so maybe you could promote it in the clubs because I think you have hit the nail on the head!
Interlude:
Here's an idea, why don't you put the poem in italics? That would be a better affect on the readers.
Chapter Five:
Third paragraph - "his face pointed in the direction of the castle gates." This doesn't sound right. You could change it to, "his head was turned to the right/left, watching over the castle gates".
Over all, the story has an impressive amount of detail, and you should continue with it so your readers can see how it ends. It would be a shame to stop there. Get a cover that reflects the story, and this could become a big thing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
Thankyou for allowing me to write a review!
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Minty18 ;)
