I don't like what's happening, I'm changing and socializing slowly. I can't handle this it's way too much for me I'm staying in my room and never leaving. I get up from my bed tiredly from last night locking my door. I changed into a pale pink tank top with a black rose on it and white pajama bottoms with black skulls on them, they were baggy on me and I didn't mind, throwing my bed head into a messy side ponytail i turned on TV, turning it on I found one of the 'Jason' movies and let it play. I let a cigarette and layed back staring at the ceiling with an arm over my eyes. My phone was buzzing on the table i had next to my bed, I ignored it. The less people around me, the better. Nobodies are supposed to remain nobodies.
"Cher?" I hear dad outside. I dowse the cigarette and rollover "Go away I'm sleeping" I groan. i can hear a slight sigh and his footsteps walked away .Can you really blame me for not liking him? I didn't get up at all for the night unless I had to pee or for my snacks. I was watching a korean channel now because let's face they have good shows that kill your insides. I guess in some ways I looked for pain It hurt but I also felt better with it. I lit another cigarette focusing on the show, I guess the leader of a band died and everythings in dissary now. It was still intresting to watch and i hadn't realized how fast I killed my cigarette. "This is bad" I mumble to myself realizing I was addicted and I didn't care.
Not everyone can experience true loneliness. You may feel lonely, but you aren't alone. True loneliness is when no one acknowledges you as person,when the people or person that still talks to you says minimal things to you and just dosen't try. I hear a knock at the door "Cher?" it was a female voice.I unlocked the door to see Lilac standing outside it and let her in. She was wearing a long-sleeve that hung of her shoulders and jeans. She looked plainly dressed, probably still a bit killed from last night if you know what I mean. "So uhm, here's your stuff" she handed me my bag. i threw it on the bed. " Why won't you answerr your phone?" she asked, I hadn't said a word "I don't feel like it" I answered her. Lilac's gaze met mine "Whatever" she grumbled she was a wild child, like one of those bad-ass girls you see in the movies, a badass-tomboy-wild child. Thats the best i can describe her right now. She was slightly more mute that how the movies make them though. "You look like you've slept all day " she told me taking a seat. "Because I have" I said effortlessly, finally back in my comfort zone. "Why are you like this?" asked Lilac suddenly. My mind drew a blank "Like what?" I asked. "So cold and un..lively" she stated. My response was a shrug "Why do you look like that?". Lilac looked at me "Because I can" she said "There's your answer" I flopped onto my bed pulling my 'Nightmare before Christmas' blanket onto me. Lilac noticed how many cigarettes i smoked today "Becoming quite the addict aren't we?" I again shrug and rollover "Cher? what's wrong? I may not look or act like it but I'm a friend" she tried to coax me. "This is how I am " i tell her simply and the room falls silent. Lilac ended up leaving after I wouldn't say much she wasn't mad though, I guess she thought i was still a bit fucked up.
The next morning I woke up a bit confused, I didn't even remember falling back to sleep. But oh well, whatever it's Monday. I get up showering getting the beach wave back to my hair. I let my ipod play music while it rested in the ihome. One out of the shower I put a black 'Pikachu' shirt on. Seriosuly, Pikachu is way too over used. and pick out some faded skinnies and my purple and grey striped hoodie. I fixed the little tid bits of my hair but i was so tired i didn't bother with make up. who was I trying to impress anyway? I must've looked like a fool at Carson's party. I shake my head grabbing my electronics and headed downstairs for an Herbal tea, but i sipped on it lightlymy hunger still not there yet.
When I went to leave I pulled up my hood and step outside, and I have two suprises one, it's raining and two Lilac was in my drveway motioning for me to get into her car. I hop in shotgun, Dakota and Eliza weren't there suprisingly. "They skipped today" Lilac informed. "Thanks...but why-" she cut me off "I wasn't going to let you walk in the rain" she answered, I put in my headphones and fell silent knowing today was going to be weird. So the rain ran straight to me.
I followed Lilac into the school and she walked with out a second thought knowing where she was going like it was routine that she was used to. We walked up to the group at an akward moment, Luca and Hayden were kissing, Quinn and Carson were 'Awwww!-ing' and laughing.The kissers seperated but held hands, I wonder what its like being gay is it like being straight? Are there diffrent rules? And then I thought about it, I have no clue which gender I like. I mean yeah i was kissed this weekend by each of both genders, but they were drunk and Lilac apologized. Carson...I couldn't bring myself to look at him right now as we joined each other. Carson glanced at me, he looked like he was happy which kind of pissed me off. Quinn smiled at me warmly like he always did. Whatkind of world did i get pushed into? "Hey Cher, Sleep well?" Quinn asks me. I nod staying at Lilac's side "Couldn't stop thinking bout me could yah?" chimed in Carson. "Fuck off " i growl at him " Whoa kitty" he teases even though it's clear i am not in the mood, I'm pissed off at him for looking so happy when he should be apologizing, He didn't even explain in a text so i had no clue if we did anything freaky, for all i know I could potentially pregnant. I storm off to class irritated then another thing pops in my mind..how do i know if I'm gay or not?
Hey everyone thanks fro reading, i have a pic of Cher, but idk why my links won't work, msgme or comment if you can help :) <3
