Daily Notes of Suicide

     (A Work In Progress)

Clock ticks, room gets colder, bed gets less comfortable, night light on, tears begin to form. This was the setting for how I am, or how I was I should say. I let everything I ever was, who I am, and ever will be, pour out of my eyes and onto my fluffy, warm pillow. I always preferred thinking of past memories before I fall asleep at night; but then some of those memories would just keep me awake.
I had all these notebooks to doodle art in, but I used them mostly for writing. For all the pages I took up my writing with, is filled with all the things I've felt in my heart and thought in my head. To the wee hours of the morning and sometimes glimpses of flash backs throughout my day.
This is what remains in my heart, looked away, buried to the deepest depths, and still tries to re-surface. This is what remains in my head, struggling to pour from my eyes, make me scream, and begging me to forget. This. Is. What. I. Keep. Hidden. Away.
___________________________
Earliest memory: 2004. Can't seem to remember the month, but I remember the first event. I was- never mind that. I was just a little girl, parents gone off to party. Left me with a 16 year old teenage hormonal boy. It sucks that I can even remember his name. I was a little girl for goodness sakes! Do you have no shame? Hope that one guy burns in hell. He had- he had touched me to his crotch. At the time I didn't know what was going on. I thought it was funny, until I fell asleep or maybe he gave me something, can't exactly recall. Let's just say, I woke up in the bed, sore. (Side note: To mom & dad, you must really love me. Love me so much! That you leave me. Leave me with a guy you hardly know.) I don't quite remember much after that. 5:59am

Second Event: 2004 again.
Dad? Did you ever see what is wrong with you for doing that? Just do what your father did, right? You showed me adult material. You and that other guy stole my innocence. How could you? HOW COULD YOU? Oh but then you watch pornography. I got out of bed, I just wanted a drink of water, I just wanted a drink. You spotted me from the living room as I walked out of the hall. The sickest words you told me were, "Go the fuck back to bed before I break your neck.". I went back in my room so afraid at such a young age, crying. You made me feel so loved dad! I'm sorry? Did I hear you say get over it, I didn't mean it, and my favorite "I love you.". To never be able to face the fear of coming out of my room to get water or go to the bathroom late at night to this day. I love you too dad! ~3:53am

Third Event: 2006 - 2008
This is for you dad. You thought taking showers with me was okay because I was so impressionable back then. I remember- I remember when mom used to tell you she would call the cops on you for doing that to me. You'd get angry at her and yell at her for saying such a thing as that. She was always suspicious of you. Both you and mom forgotten I guess. You two never bring it up, but now it is getting remembered by me. Having to carry this with me the rest of my life. I now suffer from addiction of sexual desires. Even my therapist told me I seem like that has suffered from sexual abuse. Go rot in hell basterd. ~4:27am