The Last Polar Bear

Chapter 14

Mistet – lost

I must have hit my head as I fell because I saw a flash of light before sinking beneath the dark waters. It took me a moment to gather my senses but I was shaken to by the rough force of waves driving me into the side of the float.

I crashed into the wall of ice, knocking my breath away. Then, held by their power, I was dragged downwards, tumbling and turning. I scrambled and fought to release myself from their grip and finally climbed to the surface with my throat screaming for air.

I emerged, gulping breath, before the swell lifted me to its crest and threw me once more at the unyielding wall of ice. I cried for Tórbjörn but my voice was taken by the roar of wind and the crash of wave. I feared the impact before I felt it – trying to fight the powerful surge was futile; I braced myself but nothing could have prepared me for the force that smashed at my face.

I awoke in the mercy of a vast and careless sea rising and falling around me. I could not sight the icefloat from which I had fallen and the feeling of panic was almost too much to bear: my heart fluttered in my chest and I retched for breath.

For a long time I cried out with the small hope that Tórbjörn might be near, although I knew he was lost to me. I could not remove the sight of him waking on the float and calling my name. He was so weak he would be stranded there on the ice. He would not survive without food and surely die too, a sad and listless death.

I could do nothing and had done nothing to help. Once again I had failed him. The sudden realisation that what I feared most had come to pass – everything I knew was now gone because of my actions.

My head throbbed and I felt sick with grief. It was horrible. The feeling twisted my stomach as I allowed it to grow in strength: at first it was an unsettled twinge but then it shifted and pulled at my insides. I tried to stop it but it was useless, the more I thought about my worries the stronger its hold on me became. Dragging itself from my belly, it seized my heart and squeezed firmly – its grip was so tight I thought my heart would soon burst from my chest. My breathing was rapid – I could not get enough air. My throat felt clogged. My sight started to quake. I panicked and floundered but I could not fight it any longer. So this was death. Öben would take my spirit from me, like He had taken everything else. The frail voice inside me said I had nothing else left to give and I became tired of listening to it – always frightened, always weak. I did not want to hear the 'Mika' inside me any more. I just wanted peace.

I took one final gasp of Verden's breath and sank beneath the water.