Pick Me Up

Depression

It's been a while since I've posted, and my...what a topic I've chosen to begin the year with. But, it all fits with the main theme of the book: discussing problems...making people smile...you know, the usual.

Back to the topic.

So, what is depression, really? It's a mental state of mind that...To be honest, I have no clue what it really is. It has no amount of words that can actually describe what depression is. Maybe a few broken sentences, and tear-stained words in journals; but to me, there is no perfect way of nailing what depression really is.

To me, at least what I've experienced of it, depression is brutal. Painful. Maddening. I still don't know how to put it into words.

It's the reason why I'd lie awake at nights, staring at the walls, the ceiling, the window. The reason I'd listen to my erratic heartbeat as I struggle to calm myself down. The physical pain I feel in my muscles for God in Heaven only knows what reason. The ache that starts in my chest and eventually ends up in my head. The tears that fall, the ones that some call pointless yet mean so much to me. The demons that are easier to face in the day than in the night within the dark confines of my room.

But, let's all get this one thing straight. Depression is not just those seemingly independent, rebellious tears. It's not just that soul-twisting pain and grief. It's also the numbness where everything around you fades to background noise, and fuzzy, grey images. It's the reason you walk around like a zombie, skillfully skirting all those questions about you(at least, you think you skillfully skirted them...who knows).

And, it's not just a come and go thing. Most of the time depression is caused by some thing that happened in the past, be it traumatic, or not. Maybe it was that comment that you heard. Or that future that you were stressing about. Or all the things that made you feel that you were incompetent, ugly, unwanted. And it made all the difference to you.

And depression is one of the things that invariably leads to suicide which is one the biggest threats to humanity and a topic that I have done no justice to earlier.

But to all of you who have suffered with it, and to my future self whenever you're reading it: Congratulations. You've made it this far. Pat yourself on the back. Give yourself a bow i the mirror. Give yourself a smile, even though it may hurt. Tell yourself that it will pass, because it will, even if it comes back later. 

Love yourself.  

P.S.: I don't know if this will work, but write down all your thoughts and feelings on a day to day basis; or however often(at least once a day though). I'm trying it, and it works. Sometimes. It feels like I'm putting that part of me in the pages of the book, and for me, it makes it a little bit easier to deal with.