Alexandria's Answer (Ben Bruce Fan Fiction)

Chapter 16 - Now I See It's You That's Tearing Me

The silence in the room was disrupted by the school bell ringing, indicating the end of school at last. The loud ringing continued, vibrating through the floorboards underneath and leaving a buzzing noise in my ears as it died away. 

Thankfully, the fact that we were all squirming from the unbearable noise sustained the silence, easing the fact that James hadn't answered my question. 

He looked into my eyes, his hardening glare was softening slightly but he suddenly felt the need to disguise it, looking to the floor. His mind seemed to be troubled by my question because he furrowed his brows harshly, letting out a deep breath, "I don't know, you tell me" he challenged but his tone remained disinterested and calm. 

I couldn't bare to look at him straight in the eyes anymore. The emotions were quickly overwhelming me and there was no way I could let him in on that.  

My mind tripped over his words as if I were intoxicated. Words were formed on the tip of my tongue but I just couldn't seem to release them. They escaped my lips as a mere breath which I could tell satisfied James fully. I shook my head uselessly as I still stuttered, trying to say something that meant something, but all words seem meaningless. Confusion had formed a firm knot somewhere in my brain, with no intentions of shifting it's inarticulateness. 

My eyes fluttered upwards to lock awkwardly with his, I could tell he returned the same hopelessness as I. He knew I'd never be able to answer the question. "I thought so" he mumbled, waiting for Cameron and Sam who were gathering their things, ready to leave. Neither of the two even dared to exchange my glance and ignored me as if I wasn't even there. I wasn't surprised though. I should've given up already.

James closed his eyes, letting his eyebrows meet in disappointment. He then moved from my sight, leading Cameron and Sam out of the room, bumping my shoulder lightly as his last goodbye. 

I waited a while after they had left before I let my feelings loose just in case they came back to find me in such a state. "What just happened?" I whispered quietly, with no hope for an answer. Breath was gathering at the back of my throat, leaving me to suffocate slowly on the saddened state I had been left in. I came to make things right. Had I just made them worse? I knew this would only end in tears... 

Speaking of tears; they were lined at the reddened rims of my eyes, eager to bubble over the surface. They pricked my iris' like sharp crystals that wanted me to pay for my mistakes. 

It was like self harm that I had no control over.

I moved my fingers to touch my lower lip, pulling at it lightly to distract myself from my emotions. I didn't want my weaknesses to show through again. I'd had enough of the dramatics. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be anywhere else but here resisting the urge to cry.  

I must've looked a right state. I could feel a flush washing over my pale cheeks as the embarrassment of rejection sank in. My legs were shaking from just how intimidated James made me feel. After all these years, I've never seen that side to him. If it wasn't for those familiar brown eyes that exposed all of his feelings, I would've rendered him a stranger. That's what was upsetting me more than anything. 

I'd lost someone that told me they cared. 

Whilst I was tangled in the thick web of my reverie, I felt a soft hand place itself on my shoulder, hauling me away from any deep thoughts. 

I looked away from the corner of the room where my sight seemed to be affixed, to Ben who was standing beside me, the urge to comfort me was evident in his bright blue eyes. It was the only trace of feeling I had ever seen him expose.

The perception of him was becoming more blurred and distorted by the second as tears sweltered in my eye sockets, no matter how hard I tried to keep them from surfacing. "I tried" I whispered, smiling blankly, trying to disguise my sadness.