Some Secretes Are Meant To Be Told (Frerard)

A Constant Feeling

And the award for being the worst person to update a story goes to!....me...im sorry guys. Ive just been busy doing all this things which I know you wont care about so Im just gonna let you read this chapter. ENJOY! 

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"Hey Frank stop daydreaming and get your ass over here!" I heard Mikey yell, breaking my train of thought.

Ever since that night that Gerard asked if I was hiding something from him I couldnt get my head straight. I felt guilty, no scratched that, I felt HORRIBLE. It was like if a little person was behind my head constantly telling me how horrible I was for lying to Gerard, constantly telling me how Gerard was going to end up finding out and how he would leave me not just because of what a fuck up I am but also because I lied straight to his face. I couldn't focus on things because of this stupid thing. I wasnt getting any sleep, I was doing horrible at my job, I wasnt eating, and worst of all. I couldnt see Gerards face without feeling like I should just go to hell. 

"Hey Frank you okay?" Ray asked as Gerard, Mikey and him looked back to me. 

"I-I need to go home" I mumbled as I turned around and started to walk back to my house.

I couldnt stay there. I wasnt just a lier but also a back stabber. I mean maybe the reason I feel this horrible about lying to Gerard is because Im also lying to Ray and Mikey. They dont know about Gerard and I. They've asked too. They've come up to me and asked if Gerard and I were dating and what did a lying son of a bitch like me say? No. I said no. I couldve come out clean and told them I was dating Gerard and maybe endure a few screaming and maybe even a punch but at least after a day or two they would be okay but nooooooo I have to keep digging myself into a deeper hole. 

Lets just put it this way. If Ray and Mikey were to find out about me and Gerard I would be forced to tell Gerard about my dad which in conclusion would end up making me the biggest lier in our group which would end up in all of them rejecting me and forgetting me. Leaving me alone forever. With no one to hang out with or to even talk to. No, I would be completely alone. And trust me when I tell you this. When Im alone I do stupid things. Things I shouldnt be doing. So would them figuring out Im lying destroy me? Yup. Yup it will.

I hadnt even realized when I had gotten to my house. I was to much into my thought that I hadnt noticed I was here. I walked into my room and layed down on my bed. My mom wasnt going to be coming home tonight, she had been assigned to take over the night shift at the hospital she worked at for the whole week. Meaning I couldnt go and ask my mom what to do. Just great, it seems like when I need her shes gone but when I dont need her shes always all up in my bussiness. Just great.

I suddenly heard my phone vibrate and I got it out and looked at the text message I had. It was from Gerard and it said

'Hey Frankie you okay?'

I looked down at the screen for a while, not actually knowing what to respond. In the end I came to the conclusion to not respond. That way I dont get myself in deeper in lies, because if I were to say that Im okay Im just basically lying to myself as much as I am lying to Gerard.

I slowly stood up from my bed and walked to my kitchen.I opened the fridged and scavenged for food. I hope that eating would make me feel better. I looked around for a while till I made my mind up about eating a simple salad. I quickly cut some lettuce and other vegetables and poued some dressing on it. I looked down at it for a while, I actually didnt know why I was looking at it. I guess Im just hoping theres like sign or something, or maybe Im just going insane.

I stabbed some lettuce with my fork and brought it up to my mouth. I began to eat it and for a while I actually thought I was going to be able to eat today, something I hadnt done for days, when suddenly I felt something in the back of my throat. My eyes grew wide and I quickly made a run for the toilet. I leaned over the toilet seat and threw up everything but my thoughts. The one thing I wish I could throw up. 

I leaned back on my restroom floor and just closed my eyes. This always happened when I tried to eat. I dont mean for this to happen, believe me I love food, and I am like the biggest fat ass in this planet but for some weird reason Ive been throwing up all the food Ive tried to eat. It really sucks actually, because I really wish I could eat, Im starving.

After a couple minutes I stood up from my bathroom floor and went to go throw away the salad I made, there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to eat it. I slowly made my way to my living room and turned on the TV. I guess watching some movies or something will make me forget how horrible I feel right now. I switched some channels but couldnt actually find anything to watch. I layed down the remote and was about to get ready to take a nap when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out and saw that Gerard had texted me again

'Frankie please answer me. Im starting to get really worried. Im gonna come by your house later today to check up on you. Please be okay' 

I turned off the phone and let out a long sigh. I really didnt want him to come over right now. As much as I would love to be in his arms and just let him play with my hair for the rest of the night, I couldnt bear seeing him. Seeing how I lied to my own boyfriend. What kind of a boyfriend am I anyway? I lie to him, I dont let him get any further than kissing me, I always ignore his text messages and calls and I never actually try to have actual dates. Why does Gerard even stay with me? I am the worst human being ever.

I walked over to the kitchen and made some coffee, knowing Gerard hes going to want coffee and knowing me Im going to want some too. Actually if I actually get the balls to tell him the truth today Im going to need alot more than coffee.