Guilty

Prologue: Wind

Prologue

I walked. After my release, I walked as far as far as my legs could take me. It was cold, but bearable with the old sweatshirt I was given along with a pair of new sweatpants, socks, underwear, and my old running shoes. I had no other personal belongings waiting for me. No money, no ID, no phone- not that I would know who to call. I'm not sure anyone even knows I was released.

Wind. It's so... different from how it was when I was there. Sure, there was that small outside area that was all paved with one basketball hoop, four picnic tables, and a fence about 12 feet high. There was wind, but, it felt different somehow. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not enclosed in a tiny space, and I can choose to follow the wind if I desire to; a luxury I didn't have while there.

A shiver runs down my spine at the acknowledgement of the prison I was in. My last few days were largely spent with lawyers and guards who didn't give a shit who I was. I avoided any other prisoners who felt I owed them something for getting out of there, and I managed to do so with only a few bumps and bruises. My cellmate, who was the one constant in this whole mess, was named Lyle. Old, but kind, incarcerated for use of marijuana. We didn't speak often, but we found solace in each other's presence as we were certain, or relatively so, that the other cared little for violence.

I know I won't forget that place, not ever. But in this moment, walking, I can pretend it doesn't exist. I eagerly listen to the sound of my shoes hitting sludge. It had snowed early in the week, but it was mostly melted now, leaving only a soupy, muddy mess to cover my previously white sneakers. It has been a few hours, walking in the direction of what I knew was my hometown. What I will do when I get there, I'm not entirely sure. The plan is to go home, but I am almost certain I wouldn't be welcomed back. 

I allow my thoughts to run wild at the aspect of home. I had called a dimly lit, confined space my home for over three years. In the past, I had taken advantage of the loving atmosphere my parents and siblings provided, instead choosing to bicker with them and rebel. I was selfish, unkind, and blatantly disrespectful. 

If they could see how much I've changed... Maybe they would consider me coming back. Who knows if they would believe that I was innocent. Considering some of them testified against me, I would bet money they wouldn't. Despite being only a thirty minute drive from my hometown, I was never visited. Not that I blame them. I didn't want them to see me like that anyway. Being a half an hours drive, or an eight hour walk, I expect I won't arrive until mid-afternoon. 

I know it won't be possible to just pick up where I left off. I was only seventeen when I left, and I've missed so much. I am no longer a teenager as I spent the rest of them fighting for life in that damn prison.

I allow myself to wonder what my family's life might be like. I imagine they all managed to move forward with their lives in time. Did my brother Stephan marry Ana? Does Sophie, my baby sister, remember me? Do the twins still believe in Santa? What grades would they all be in now? I finished my GED in prison, but I never had the chance to go to high school. I probably would have been popular for my senior year, did Ash or Sonnet ever join the soccer team like they planned? Did Sonnet graduate? I feel myself starting to panic, and I can feel sweat forming on my face even though it's mid-March. I guess it doesn't matter what temperature it is, point is that I'm starting to really psych myself out. By the time I reach my hometown, I no longer think it is a good idea to have returned. But my feet keep carrying me through the streets and into the suburbs.

I am standing outside my relatively large childhood home because a small part of me hoped that the people who shoved me away and swore to never see me again. Fat chance.

Home isn't the word for it I guess. It used to be, but after being gone so long... I don't know what to really call it anymore. The house looks less inviting than it did before I went away, and it feels different. Seeing this house again, brings back old memories. Good and bad. I'm not sure how to react to these sudden changes. It seems so surreal.