Little Ray of Sun (Phan)

999

((Dan's POV))

2016. This has to be the year. We've kept it secret from them all these years. Our viewers are so loyal. They deserve this more than anyone. I know none of the real ones would care... So what's our dilemma?
If I'm not going to tell them about me and Phil, then I should at least build up the guts to tell them what happened.

~~~~~

I sit in front of the camera, checking my hair before turning it on. It's on now. I hadn't planned anything. What should I say? How can I hold back all my tears?
I sit in silence for about ten minutes before I finally say anything.

"I'm sorry guys.." I say, completely forgetting my intro.
"I know it's been months since I last uploaded something, but something happened." I'm already tearing up. I never thought I would have to do this.
"You've all been tweeting at me and posting things asking if I'm okay.. Yes, I'm fine." I lie casually. "But then your other questions pop up 'Where's Phil? What happened to Phil? Are you two fighting? Whats wrong?' Phil.. On the other hand, he's had an accident. He uh.. He um.. Phil he.." I was now weeping, but with no tears. I could no longer cry. All my tears had dried up months ago when it first happened. I turned off the camera, needing to breathe.

I can't finish the video. It's too much. It's too much of a burden. I just uploaded it. No editing. All of the awkward silence still there. At this point I didn't care, I didn't care about anything or anyone. Other than Phil.
But even thinking about him is to much.
"I don't deserve this!"
What am I saying? He doesn't deserve this. I'm not the one waiting in an uncomfortable bed to wake up, letting my life pass me by as I could be doing so much more. I'm not the one who will be in horrible pain when I finally wake up. If it even happens.
But I am the one who has to have the image playing in my head 24/7. I am the one who has to worry. I am the one who has to lift these horribly heavy weights just to get up everyday.
Every time I close my eyes all I see is his usually bright beautiful eyes fading. I see his smile faint away as he feels the pain. And I hear his breathing stop as I struggle for my phone to call 999. The lights of the fire engines and the cop cars and ambulances all surrounding me along with the sounds of beeping horns and frantic yelling.
I cover my ears and close my eyes not wanting the sounds or images but they won't leave.
I'm immersed back into that day, unable to escape.