poems for my identity

i cant remember

i cant remember, please remind me again what you did, what was your purpose? why do i feel such pain when i see your face when my phone gently buzzes because you have replied not because i hate you, no i dont. its because every fucking time i feel the need to tell you something but i distract myself with other conversations pretending as if i dont need to talk. i expect you to read my thoughts and know that im not ok because that is what you used to do. but i shouldn't say used to because i barely remember anything from those days when you were there everyday. if you were to ask me about those days i would not know what to say because those day were too painful to remember so i stopped caring to remember i stopped trying to hold onto those sad threads of happiness because what is the point i dont need a reminder of who i was and who was with me i remember that quite well actually and i suppose thats a bad thing because every damn day i bang my head because once again i cant remember what kept me living but i do remember the long list of people that left me here alone. and im guessing they are doing fine because they are together and can remember what makes life so great but i do wish i had the same traits for those rougher days. because without them all i feel is pain.