Bakit ka dumating?
Okay lang ako.
Okay na sana ako ulit kaso andyan ka na naman.
Normal na sana ulit yung tibok ng puso ko pero andyan ka na naman at pinapabilis mo. Sanay na ako na hindi ka iniisip eh, nakakatulog na nga ako ng dere-derecho pero bumalik ka at sirang sira na naman ang sistema ko.
I thought they were joking when they told me na darating ka sa most anticipated beach trip ng barkada. Paano? Palagi ka naman kasing wala eh. Isang malutong na keribels ang sagot ko sa kanila noong ibalita nila sa akin ito, pero yung totoo? Isanlibong daga na naman yung naghahabulan sa dibdib ko sa antisipasyon na makita ka ulit.
We were on the bus ride to Lucena, katext mo sila and they keep on updating me kung nasan ka na, anong ginagawa mo... I pretended not to care but in reality gustong gusto kong hilahin yung oras para lang paratingin ka na...
Okay lang kahit di sya dumating kako sa kanila pero sa loob-loob ko... Sayang naman. Albeit knowing that I will create memories and these would once again keep me from moving on, I don't friggin care anymore. Because goddamn fuck I just want to see you again.
We waited for you for more than an hour. I pretended to be impatient, I even joked: Tara iwan na natin siya. But truth is, I was willing to wait for you kahit abutin pa ako bg hapon. Kahit iwan nila ako don okay lang hihintayin kita...
When you finally arrived, i was rhe first one to see you. In fact I was the only one who saw you from that unholy distance because that's how well i knew you. wearing that school boy crooked smile, clad in gray sweater with a smiley design, brown chino's and sandals, hair tied in that panty-dropping man bun, reading glasses on and a lit cigarette stick on your fingers, God my heart stopped beating for a second and thumped like a wayward drum the next. I had to commend myself for keeping my cool and pretending not to care at all. Albeit the phone in my hand and earphones stuck on I see you and I heard everything you say.
Sa isang oras na malubak na tricycle ride papunta sa beach, I tried to listen to some music to keep thoughts of you from entering my head, pero bawat kanta na napakinggan ko noon, na-associate ko pa rin sa'yong hudas ka.
When we arrived on the shore, we had to ride a boat to get to the other side. Mahahalikan ko nang isa-isa yung mga kaklase natin kasi universe jesus god magkatabi tayo sa bangka. Bonus pa yung inalalayan mo ako pag-akyat at pagbaba. I could still feel the warmth of your hands, even if it touched mine for only a brief moment. I felt as if the lines of your palm were imprinted on mine.
Yuck no.
Sorry, nalimutan ko na naman kung ano yung mga pinagsasabi mo at pinagsasabi ko noon. Basta ang naalala ko, thought is, sabi mo masaya ako na kasama ka at dumadamoves na naman ako sa'yo. Wow! Lakas mo rin e, no? Pero oo na, hindi ko naman itinatanggi. Masaya ako, masayang masaya.
So ayun, naglakad tayo papunta don sa mismong beach. Mahigit sampung minutong wa poise moment para sa akin at hindi mo na naman ako pinapansin samantalang ako, habol ka ng tingin. Saan ka man magpunta, nakasunod yung tingin ko at alam ko kung anong ginagawa mo.
Stalker? Oo na, ako na.
Late ka, kaya ikaw ang 'naatasang' mag-ihaw. At ako, more than willing na maging assistant mo. Kesehodang mapagod sa pagtakbo-takbo, makaamot lang kahit kaunting moment kasama ka....
Hindi mapuknat yung pang-aasar at paghirit mo sa'kin don kahit tayo lang dalawa. Habang sinusulat ko tuloy ito naiisip ko, if everything's just for show para lang mapasaya at maplease yung high school friends natin bakit maski tayong dalawa lang binibiro mo pa rin ako at hinihiritan? Bait mo naman, thank you ha.
"May gusto ako ngayon kaso hinde ko na lang sasabihin kasi baka magselos/magalit yung isa dyan" ito yung hirit mo na hindeng hinde ko malimutan. Paano naman kasi, talagang natigilan ako at nanlaki pa ang mga mata ko, at mas lumakas pa ang pagpapaypay. Dinugtungan mo pa ng "yun o, yun lang pala makakapagpatahimik syo" paano ba namang hindi ako mananahimik... Ang sakit kaya. Ang sakit kayang malaman na, halos wala pa ata kayong three months na nagbebreak ng beauty queen mong ex eh may bago ka na namang nilalandi? Wow kuya, bilis mo naman uy!
Salamat nga pala sa pagsasabi mong: Ang ganda ko, pwede na akong mag-asawa, at ako pa rin ang love mo. Kahit nagsisinungaling ka nong sinabi mo yon at labas sa ilong... Isang malaking punchline eh putsa, kinilig pa rin ako.
Those times at that beach were reminiscent of earlier high school days when we still had an 'understanding'.
That time when we shared a paper plate of adobo and rice: nandon tayo sa tabi ng cottage. Acting like a real couple....
And now, magkatabi tayo sa kubo noong lunch, syempre courtesy ng magagaling nating mga kaklase. Di na tayo share sa plate, but I still assisted you... Ipinaglagay kita ng kanin sa nito while you got me a cup of water noong nilambing kita na nauuhaw na ako. And hindi ko makakalimutan yung tinanong mo kung alin yung baso na ginamit ko, kasi yun na din yung gagamitin mo.
And after lunch, you had your yosi. God, sa tinagal-tagal ko na na hindi nag-yosi i craved for it again. Thanks to you. I asked for a stick, ayaw mo pa noong una then you eventually gave me one. Bad girl ko na no? All because of you. Because at times namag-isa ako or when I think of you all I'd do is light a stick, take a puff and memories of you will flood my thoughts. You are my cigarette. You're bad for me but I continue to hold on to you just because.
I took stolen shots of you, I looked at you when you're not looking. You are beautiful against the ocean, deep in your thoughts or just plain goofing around.
We had our moments, we talked like we used to. And while were at it napansin ko, ako lang yung nakakaalala. Ako lang yata yung nagrereminisce. Ako lang yata ang nade-deja vu. You know our talks, wala akong nalilimutan ni isang detalye. Pero ikaw, I doubt if you even remember a thing I say.
I doubt if you remember that you tapped my head when we were on the bus to Jollibee. Or when I gave you a yosi stick while waiting for out tricycle. That you ordered burger steak for me and magkatabi tayo sa bus pabalik sa San Pablo, and we talked again until you fell asleep.
I remember every detail, every inch, every word so vividly it was just like iur high school retreat. You sat beside me and we talked about our plans when we graduate high school. None of those plans happened I believe.
But you know what's funny, yung ako yung tumupad ng plano mo tapos ikaw yung sakin.... In a way. You wanted to go to UP, and I wanted to be an accountant and my my look where we are now?
Still, I am happy you are being more matured. That you are now starting to build your dreams and even just listening to you talk about them makes me happy.
For now, it's enough that I still see you. Even at the rarest of occassions, I can live with it. Habang wala pa, sige, okay na ako sa patak-patak at ambon lang muna. Kumo-quota din nMan ako kahit papaano.
I know hindi dapat ako nagse-settle, pero wala e, ikaw pa rin. You're the closest that I have.
Sa ngayon, ikaw muna yung ambon ko hanggang makasumpong na ako ng ulan....
