The Dreamer (𝓒𝓞𝓜𝓟𝓛𝓔𝓣𝓔)

6

"I close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night I softly say. A silent prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you."

~~Roy Orbison

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."

~~Henry David Thoreau

I cried myself to sleep and woke in tears for over six months, unable to get to Elsae Rumoro. I was certain that somehow I had ruined everything. I have no idea how I escaped being gathered up and sent for treatment. I supposed that because I was so quiet normally, the staff didn't notice my nearly comatose state of misery. I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked.

I had plenty of time to think. Logically, I knew that my fears were foolish, but logic didn't help. Now, looking back, I suspect it was those very fears, magnified by each successive failure, which caused the problems in the first place. Night after night I clutched the bag holding my crystal and sobbed, but I stayed in my cot till dawn—or worse I dreamed 'normal' dreams.

I soon realized that being afraid of Ari's feelings for me—or mine for him—was pointless. They existed. Even when I was convinced that it was over, that I would never see him again, my heart refused to let go. Regardless of the circumstances of our meeting, what was between us—the time we spent together—was REAL.

Each evening, before we went to bed, I had been telling Ehtel what Ari had told me of Nadeth-Aelik-Darana. In some ways it was the same as our teachings of Nolrett but it was utterly different in others. Nolrett had one world, Darana had myriads. Nolrett discouraged diversity, Darana rejoiced in it. Nolrett was a despotic sovereign, Darana a father. Darana loved His creation. I had come to realize that Nolrett was a dark shadow of Darana and embraced the fullness of the truth. So, I believed, had Ehtel. She had never questioned where my information came from or if it was accurate. She trusted me, why I don't know. Perhaps it was because I was the only one that ever just accepted her.

This evening I could not keep my silence any longer. The constant round and round of arguments in my head was getting me nowhere and I had no one else I could confide in. In my misery I sat by her cot and finally told Ehtel, in brief, of my dream travel. I told her of Elsae Rumoro, Ariwyn Ruthar Eirnes and his family. And finally, in tears, I told her of my last exchange with Ari and my fears. She listened without comment, as usual, then gave me a long considering look.

"Providence," she said quietly. "Faith, Delarie." Then she lay down, turned over and went to sleep. Oddly enough, poor broken Ehtel gave me the understanding I needed.

What happened when I slept, Kethele insisted, could only be Darana's doing. If I accepted that, then what was my fear if not a lack of faith? It was a lack of faith, not only in Darana, but in Ari, in myself, in the feelings—I might as well admit it, the love—we had for each other. It was my lack of trust that allowed my fear to swamp me. I had no guarantee that things would work out as I wanted, but I DID have Darana's guarantee that they would work out for good. Besides, what was the point of denying what was, because of what might or might not be?

With my mind finally at peace for the first time in months, I crawled into my own cot. Flat on my back under my blankets I clasped my crystal between my folded palms and began to pray. I confessed my lack of faith, and asked for help to trust. Over and over, in all the words I could command, I petitioned the maker of the miracle for intervention.

The smell registered first—the familiar smell of dry sweet grass and rushes. I gasped and began to weep, even as I stumbled to my feet. I didn't look for the light or bother with changing clothes. I felt my way blindly to the door and out into the sun with only one thing on my mind. Ari.