The Reason Love Is Hell

3

The pain in my chest begins grow everyday, little symptoms will slip out causing you to notice them so I quickly grab it and bottle it up again. Everything is bottled up. I put in such a great mask to keep you happy, but if I take it off everything will go wrong. I'm so useless, and worthless....I don't even know what I am or my preferences...and here you are, being so brave and amazing by coming out to teachers, parents, friends...I can't even come out to myself. I am a disappointment to my parents and shouldn't live, they already have a second child so why would they need me. You seem so happy with your other friends, you don't need me anymore.....I've had so many good memories with you and maybe, it's time you make better ones with other people...ones who should live and exist, unlike me. I'm such a mistake and mess up while you are over here perfect....you can draw, you're funny, cute, and can just make anyone smile, I've always wanted to be like you..... But I can't, all I can do is keep up my own weight that slowly grows. The pain spreads all through my body and gets worse on my heart. All because of how dumb I am. I get so jealous of other people, I can't do anything right...someone else deserves my family and friends..not the one I am.

Why do people always leave me.... One day they say they love me and I'm beautiful and the next.... Lies... I don't do anything wrong but yet I do. Just being me is wrong enough for someone to leave me. All I want is to be loved, held, hugged and that can't even happen...it hurts so much just writing this. My hands are always cold because no one holds them with their warmth, my body is always lonely cause no one pulls it close to them to remove that feeling, my lips are always left alone I've never had the feeling of them pressed against someone else's... My heart...is always broken because someone destroys it over and over again, my whole life is a lie. Now youre most likely saying just get over it. Well its not that easy smart one because I have no one to fall on to...because the one thats supposed too....just teases and moves when I do lean on them.

This is what I've been feeling constantly and I guess I have nothing to do, guess this is my way of venting.

...-Jae....