Boundaries

16. Retouch

With your feelings for Jongdae finally settled, your world was almost complete.

But something was still missing, and the last sliver of your private peace hinged on this final component.

You pull back into your parking spot and head up to your apartment. Secluding yourself in your bedroom, you wedge your way in between the edge of the bed and your nightstand. The blank piece of computer paper mocks you for a moment before your newfound strength, rooted in Jongdae's heart, drives you to action.

As the thoughts crop up in the garden of your mind, you scribble cursive onto the page, reveling in the scratch of the pen on the parchment. You lose track of how much time has passed. The clock seems to have skipped an hour ahead.

But heedless of the seconds that tick into minutes, you write on.

Eventually, your brain's cogs run out of steam, winding down with a concluding hiss. You folding the two-sided letter and stuff it in a plain white envelope.

The elevator can't come fast enough.

You nearly burn out backing out of the apartment complex. The stop signs and street lights seem like exasperating suggestions, but you really can't afford a ticket. Plus, time on the side of the road is time away from your purpose.

You see his car sitting in front of the greenhouse. You think about walking in to deliver the message yourself, but you decide to spare him the pain and embarrassment of having his ex ambush him at work. Instead, you lift one of his windshield wipers and tuck the letter safely in between the plastic and the glass. A warm tranquility spreads from the center of your chest as you stare at the envelope and the last hints of unrest in your spirit are soothed.

"Goodbye, Minseok," you whisper into the winter.

~

Minseok:

I know it doesn't mean much—not now at least—but for whatever it's worth, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this kind of heartbreak, and I hate that I was the person to inflict it. You are a good man. A great man. You showed me a kind of love that I never believed was possible, and I thank you for that. I honestly believe without you in my life, I could not have learned what it means to be happy.

It's not fair that we can love so many people and only have one that's right for us. I hope you know that I really did love you. Hell, I loved you deep and wide and I would have done anything for you. You might not believe that, but I swear to you, I loved you with my whole heart when we were together. Do you remember that time when we were on the roof of the science building back in school? It was so unlike me—going up to the roof like that. And once we were there, I took your hand while we were looking at the city, and after a few minutes I asked if it was okay for me not to let go. If you ever doubt how much I cared about you, just remember that day. I had never been in a serious relationship in my life, and you made me bold enough to root myself in you. Don't ever forget that even in making this choice, it was still a hard one. I can't feel your love anymore, but I can still feel you in my heart and it's going to be that way for a long while.

What I've found with Jongdae is a chance to follow a dream that I gave up on a long time ago. It's not more love than what you gave me. It's a different relationship altogether. He's not some kind of famous pipe dream that I want to have just because I can. I'm not with him because he wants to show me the world on a magic carpet. I'm not with him for the money or the perks or anything like that. I think you already knew that, but I just think you should hear it from me. I'm choosing this path because the both of you deserve someone who knows you better than they know themselves, and I can't be that person for you. And no one else can be that for Jongdae. And as much as I love you, and as well as you know me, no else can be that for me but Jongdae.

I really thought when he showed up in my life again all these years later that it was just going to be a chance to rekindle an old friendship. But it turns out that history matters. I'm so sorry that you were caught in the crossfire of the past and the present. I had no idea it was going to blow up like this. I played a dangerous game, and even though we all lost to some degree, if I could go back and find a way to make it a less painful loss for you, I would. I wouldn't change my decision, but I would find a way to save your heart.

But I wrote this because what I really want to say is that I want you to live the life you were meant to live. I know that you've been struggling for a long time now, and I'm honestly terrified that this—that I'm going to break down all the progress you've made. I know you made me the reason you want to recover, but you can't do that. You absolutely have to want this for yourself. Or if you can't want it for yourself, want it for the next girl. If this mess has taught me anything, it's that love makes its way into life with subtle explosions. And it seems to come from people we never expect will matter in our lives as much as they end up mattering. Ten years went by with Jongdae being a face and a name attached to old memories, and now suddenly, he's popped up when both of us have completely new lives. If all that can happen, if all those circumstances can come together, then there is no reason why you won't find someone just as wonderful as you. She's going to need you to be the strong, incredible man you are. So don't let yourself waste away before she can find you, okay?

I don't know if this letter is going to do what I want it to do. I don't know if it will make things worse, if you'll be angry. I don't even know if you'll ever read this. But I hope, someday, it will help you understand just a little bit more of what's been going through my head for these past few weeks.

And most of all, I hope that you find the courage and the will and whatever else you need to love someone again. Because no one deserves love more than you.

~Kalani~

Five days later, as you haul your groceries up to your apartment, you notice a blue sticky note on your door. You set the bags down and peel the square from the wood, smiling as you finally feel the fullness of true peace.

~

Kalani:

I'll keep living. You live and love well, too, okay? I forgive you.

~Minseok