Yearning for You

Memories

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           
The First Time
Marc
I resigned.
Throughout the six months of being employed, Marc and I got pretty close -- as in, not being awkward when I saw him. Well, he was important enough for me to tell him that I was leaving and that we should keep in touch. He looked over my shoulder and told me his name on social media, little did I know, the first step of asking for his social media led to my whole summer being very interesting.
It was around May that Marc and I started talking which was expected since we spoke at work and I asked to keep in touch, I had just gotten my permit and asked, "Will you teach me how to drive? I just got my permit!" At that moment, he and I started making plans. We talked continuously throughout the first months of summer, I had gotten used to it eventually.
I was pacing around my room a few weeks later. Today was the day I would hang out with him for the first time outside of work. Truthfully, I've only been with a guy alone once. The first time was when Joey and I had gone on a date; he's also from the workplace before I quit.
Though Marc had parked at the wrong house, I walked out and saw him walking up to my house and stopped him right before he could ring my doorbell. My stomach was in a pit, wouldn't it be awkward? He's like eight years older than me but he looks so young... so being out in public will be okay, right? Slowly, it was him and I walking to his car and eventually I shook my head almost regretting the choice I've made today...
Being the responsible child that I am (most of the time), I asked my Dad if I could spend an hour or two with a friend. Little did he know that this friend was over the age of 19 and male. That information had to be disclosed otherwise I would never be allowed to leave my house. Yes, Marc was just a friend. A friend that just wanted to teach me how to drive; pretty normal eh?
My jaw dropped. I must have misunderstood something. I looked at the gear in his car and that was not a normal one... It was a stick shift! Mind you, I don't have much knowledge about vehicles. Of course, I didn't say anything to him. I kind of just put my hand on the temples of my head; I did not want him to think I was dumb so I quietly pretended I was prepared.
We sat in the car and the shakiness in his voice started explaining the equipment and the functions of each. I could barely focus when his lips were moving. We drove around the block eventually spotting my grandpa outside of our house. "Ask your grandpa if he wants to learn! That would be so cool," Marc said.
Marc must have lost his damn mind. My grandpa? Stick shift? It was fun, driving around my neighborhood with him. As time passed, we chatted about life. It was amazing, I was content. I cannot explain everything or one certain topic we talked about but all I know was that I was fond of his company. Though I stalled (killed his motor) his car a couple of times, he was forgiving.
Marc asked, "I'm hungry, are you? Want to go get something to eat?" I thought he'd never ask... Our food pick was Chipotle - which is always a good selection! What's funny is that I now work there but anyway, I had ordered a burrito bowl while he got chips and salsa. What a basic dude with a basic snack! I couldn't blame him. He did mention that he wasn't that hungry.
I did not want to go home at all, I guess I was having have too much fun. I go, "Where should we go now? How about Eden Prairie Mall?" He agreed and we spent 20 minutes getting in cardio at the mall window shopping. I still wasn't satisfied enough to go home, so I suggested we just drive around. The next thing you know, Marc and I are driving in Chaska - an unfamiliar place we both don't know too well. And then...
It was astonishing. With the windows down and our voices colliding with one another, we drove around while talking about the most arbitrary things. I started getting very comfortable - which wasn't necessarily a good thing. I knew myself, and I knew myself well. Once I get too close to someone, I become more open about my life and I do things that I would not normally do unless we were close in relation. In that exact moment, I was not thinking nor was I worried. I was having the time of my life, I missed the feeling of being close to another individual and just having somebody there to listen with the intentions to respond.
The Second Time
I had just gotten back from my occasional driving lessons with my instructor in which I paid four hundred dollars for it was included with drivers ed. My own money... from my own sweat and tears. The night before was the 4th of July, I was a homebody since absolutely nothing appealed to me. I was in a weird mood, I can't quite put my finger on it, but, I decided to sneak a beer from the fridge. Heineken, to be exact.
We had been messaging throughout the whole day even though he was at work. Thinking back, I miss those times a lot but I didn't because I was getting too attached to his presence. Marc replied to my photo of the beer in my hand, "Why are you drinking that?" I could not give him an exact answer - how was I? When I didn't know the answer myself? I must have been depressed or so otherwise I would not have made things worse by drinking a beverage that alters your mind and behavior - though everyone reacts differently. Marc probably thought something was the matter.
"I have work at 2:30 tomorrow, in case you're bored I could take you driving again?" I knew that he was trying to prevent me from drinking that awful drink. Believe me as I say it's never an often occurrence.
While driving and stepping on the gas pedal a little over the speed limit, all I could think about was hanging out with this guy whom I had gotten to know well and each time I wanted a little more. I was becoming greedy with him and his time.
My grandparents watched me as I walked out the door once Marc said he arrived. I'm relieved Marc does not really look his age otherwise we would have a big problem. I got into the driver's seat right away and I drove across the street to my school parking lot. After talking about things such as his family and his girlfriend, he suggested we go get some type of dessert.
"I didn't bring my money! I didn't know we would be going anywhere, I thought we were only driving." One thing that I disliked a lot is depending on others; my parents have always told me to receive what I can get but I didn't feel right, it would be nice to be taken care of but I would like to stand my own.
"I thought you knew that we would go somewhere." His voice came off like he was disappointed that I did not bring money, "It's okay, I will pay for you!" He could have easily brought me back to my house to get money but I don't think he wanted to waste time. The store was so empty that you could hear a pin drop and more realistically - the air conditioner in the blazing hot summer.
The day was warm and beautiful; I chose that we sit outside. I could remember the image vividly as he wears shades while scrolling through his phone. We talked about miscellaneous things as usual. A fairly old man walked slowly passed us to go to the store next door, "Keep her, she's cute!" Silence filled our space for a second or two, I had never seen this man in my life.
Marc was smiling, "Thanks!" I hesitated and looked at him with this confused look. What? I'm not even his girlfriend? Why'd he just acknowledge something that was not true? Well, I am pretty cute, but that's besides the point.
I could not help hide my blushed face hoping my voice would travel all the way to him since he was already a few steps again, "Oh... no - just friends!" Although Marc was already in a relationship, I didn't realize until later that that could have been offensive for me to say. Of course - I liked him more than a friend but I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable nor obligated to respond to that man.
It was close to 2:30 in which his shift started. I did not want our time together to end but I knew it was wrong to think that way. Marc didn't watch me as I go into my house and as I walk up to my door there's a man in this white pickup truck calling, "Hello! Excuse me!" A few days earlier, our neighbor gave us a letter. At that time, the first thing that I noticed was a picture of a man obviously taken in jail. I read the letter and it said that this man was coming around asking that he would pay our debt or something silly like that. After reading that letter, I was scared for life. I did not want to walk to school anymore while coincidentally it could have been that man who called for my attention as I was going into my home.
What made the situation worse was that no one was home. I ran straight to my bedroom and sat on the floor in case the man would peek in through my window. I messaged Marc, "You should have waited until I got in the house! A man drove by my house as soon as you left. Now I'm super terrified!" My heart and hands tremble as I wrote that.
The Third Time
"Hi."
I knew he wanted something because he usually continues the conversation from the night before or says something totally random. As soon as I got that message, my heart started racing because of how much I had started to develop feelings for him. I had just gotten home from summer school (horrible, yes, I know) so I was looking for whatever I could find to fulfill my cravings.
"Do you want to go to the Mall of America?" 
"For what? And with whom else?"
"I need to buy gifts for people and just me."
I had been going out with Marc more than my grandparents and father would like so it was going to be somewhat difficult to persuade them to let me go. As expected, my dad said no but I ended up asking my grandpa and he allowed me to go with just a bit of explaining the benefits of going though there was none except for the fact your granddaughter was spending time with the opposite sex getting to know them better and it all started from learning how to drive a manual and now I am in too deep.
I wanted to go to spend time with him but I had no money. My choice of clothing was to wear something beautiful, pretty, and cute - I wore this floral dress that coordinated with the fine weather and it was quite uncomfortable to wear but it made me feel somewhat confident every time. Every time Marc picked me up, he gets out of his car and leans against his car door as he waits for me. I can still see that image as I type this and it makes me sad because he may never do it again. He came out because his car had no air conditioning but besides the point, I will always remember the way he did that - and it makes me nostalgic.
I can still remember how I felt whenever we spent time together. He was like a breath of fresh air that I had wanted whenever I wanted to mentally and physically escape, I knew he could provide it but he had someone at home.
"I need to buy a gift for my girlfriend since her birthday is coming up." My insides turned while wanting to be saved. When we finally arrived, I just went along with the flow. What was I supposed to do when I have no money? I felt a little jealous and thought wow, his girlfriend is so lucky. I think he felt bad that I was following him like a little girl who never wanted to lose her mother. But in this case - y'know... I wanted to shop so badly and I felt as if I was sucking the fun out of this trip because all I did was watch him shop.
He was hungry and I was not comfortable asking him to pay because I hate when others do favors for me. Marc insisted so we made our way to this Korean restaurant that he adored so much. I visited that restaurant a few weeks ago and the seat where Marc and I sat at the time was empty and I could just picture and feel the same feelings from that day. I felt obligated to eat while I was there so we ended up sharing food which was enough. After that, it was time for him to drop me off. We had already spent a few hours together. Was this okay? Was it okay to be around someone at least once a week for a few hours while he had a partner? Of course not, but it probably was to him considering I was just a friend. And that was it.
One part of me felt guilty but the other part of me was too infatuated with him to care. After eating, we drove to my house and as always - I wanted time to stop so badly. I would want time to stop even if it meant being able to admire his face a little longer. What has this guy done to me? It's me, I'm going crazy? Nobody has treated me like this before. There is this park next to my house with a lake and etc. so before going home I pointed out to Round Lake Park, "Let's go there!" He surprisingly agreed. I remember the cool water spraying out to the children and their parents sitting on their phone. Because I am still a kid at heart, I asked Marc to push me in this one thing where I became just a bit woozy. We walked on the beautiful trail while talking about his childhood; I was pleased to listen to my friends to show that I care.
As we arrived. I reminded him to wait until I got into my house. Whenever we got to my house I had always sat in the car for a minute or two longer wondering what I should say or do but it wasn't the right time to confess anything. As expected, the third time and the rest made memories that I would cherish forever. It was dangerous.
The Fourth Time
It t was about that time to go and visit my Mother in Nevada. Marc and I agreed to go mini golfing, something we had not done together. It was summer and the sun was shining upon us. At first we compromised on going to the zoo, either the Minnesota or Como Zoo but I was frustrated because he told me that he would take his precious partner to the Minnesota Zoo and he and I would go to the Como Zoo. What? I felt like a mistress and he wanted to make two girls feel special at the same time so I told him that I did not want to go to the zoo anymore.
"You can take your girlfriend. It's fine." I wasn't implying that we should not do something, instead - I wanted him to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted. Marc decided we go mini-golfing, nothing good came out of mini-golf. What was the point of this sport anyway? Marc was clever... He ended up taking me mini-golfing that was across the street of The Como Zoo.
We arrived. "Two tickets please." Ah, I didn't even ask but I was tired of Marc paying for me so I told the lady at the stand that he only wants one ticket. I am very competitive - and I mean really, competitive. Couples and kids with their parents were present and Marc and I hear the laughs of children and cars in the near distant. The sky baby blue without a single cloud and music from rides come from inside the zoo. After every putt, I threw this small and colorful golf ball making him get it for me so he could have a little sympathy and let me win. He and I were obviously not having a good time because I hated this stupid game and he was probably annoyed at my childish competitive attitude. As we finished up, we walked across the street to the zoo. I was hungry and thirsty. We found this cafe inside of the zoo and while squinting my eyes, I leaned against Marc and asked him to read the menu to me. Being a little flirtatious never hurt anybody. I wonder if his heart was racing because my intentions were to confuse him so he couldn't distinguish between what he really wanted. Looking back, none of it worked.
He ordered Pad Thai and did not like it one bit. His money - down the drain. Maybe because he was mature but he asked about my family and initiated conversation without the intention of getting into my pants, I think. I always mentioned that my mother was not financially stable so that's why I moved back to my hometown four years later. We walked around and saw this huge tortoise while getting ice cream. It was fun and it will always be my favorite memory with him. I was a little sad to leave distressed that things would alter but seeing my Mom after a year was the thing I've looked forward to the most! After seeing all that we needed to, we got out of there and got stuck in traffic. His car did not have air conditioning and his radio did not work; so all we had were our voices. I didn't mind too much though I was there with him. We decided to do something after the zoo because I was going to be in Las Vegas for a month or so. A spontaneous trip to Minnehaha Park it was, it has been a while since I visited so I'm thankful for Marc for allowing me to see things that was brought up during my childhood and teen years. I was tired and my feet hurt but it was definitely an amazing sight to see, we walked on uneven and bumpy wood slowly because there was a man in front of us. I wanted oh so badly to hold his hand in case I fell flat on my face. Fun fact: [When I was a kid, I went to Minnehaha Park with my dad, stepmother, and stepsiblings. When my dad went to pee I followed him and the next thing you know, my nose is bleeding]. We ended up at this stream with other people around with their families and taking pictures. I was so hot that I had to take off my shoes to soak them in the water. My legs could barely reach but it still felt reviving. He and I were outside the whole day so the cold water against my feet made me feel as if I was in a cold and relaxing shower at home. It was time to go and even climbing the stairs was a difficult task. We had spent an eventful and memorable six hours together that I was very satisfied.
A few days later was the day I would board the plane to see my Mother and Grandma, I wanted Marc to bring me but it was late and I don't think his girlfriend would approve. Though I got lost at some points, I asked this friendly family to give me directions despite my bad eyesight. Marc and I were messaging up until the point I actually got on the place and my mood was boosted.
One part of our conversation that I recall was when he told me he had to go. I was sad but understanding while I was listening to the song that he recommended smiling to myself like an idiot. He came back five minutes or so...
"Hey, nevermind! I don't have to go." I was utterly confused, maybe he didn't want to talk to me in the first place then suddenly changed his mind?
"What? Why? I thought you were going to sleep?"
"Our friend came over since their dryer is broken and he's going to use ours."
"Why don't you have your girlfriend stay up to accompany your friend?" I felt sort of evil saying that. I've seen his girlfriend before and she used to check out with me when I worked at Target and she was pretty. One time, she and Marc came through my line and I tried to act dumb by asking if they were siblings. Oh God, how awkward that must have been. They 'looked' like siblings so they shouldn't be dating, hahaha I wonder if I made them feel self conscious.
I don't remember how everything came about but I started thinking about the times at work and the times we've spent together outside of the workplace. Already, I could not wait to come back home from Vegas so that we were able to hangout again.
People must have looked at me as if I was a little too young to be on an airplane alone but the fact is that I have been on planes alone for as long as I can remember that I don't need an adult to sit with me at the gate. I even remember the steps to be able to get everything prepared. I hated airplanes because of the tightness of space but I really enjoyed being in the sky away from everything. It gave me time to myself and my thoughts which I had always done in my room anyways - listening to music and daydream.
I opened my eyes a few times to see darkness and clouds all around me.
Then, the next thing I know is the pilot announcing that we are almost upon arrival.
    While I was Gone
    Many things had happened. Things were still the same, we talked almost all of the time and I felt a little discouraged when we didn't. Before I left I agreed that I would get him a souvenir from M&M World since he was kind of a fanatic, I owed him that much because of the many things he has done for me to let me have an awesome time. Oh, let's face it, even if Marc and I did something extremely boring I loved being around him either way...
    "You can just get me one thing. Nothing expensive. I'll be happy with anything," I knew that would not happen, I liked him too much to get just one thing. I've been traveling to Las Vegas, Nevada for as long as I can remember. Even before my Mother and Grandmother moved there, I still visited to see other family. I know everything and how to get from one place to another in both Minnesota and Nevada, fascinating. It was hard not seeing Marc for more than a week but it was also tough not seeing my Mother for a year or so - I always visit during the summer months. Every. Year. But this year was different because I was able to go to Vegas twice.
    I was able to travel to M&M World before my trip ended and I am kind of regretting it. Actually, I am regretting it a lot. There were three floors to this store and of course it was packed, as always. Why couldn't people walk faster or move out of the way? Goodness. My Mother told me not to get many things for my "guy friend." Carrying a basket, I tried to hurry.
    A few weeks have passed and I told him something that I did not ever think I would, should, or could. I don't know what has gotten into me, it was most likely because we were a million miles away and I coughed up the courage? I was confused and I wanted to clear the air. Of course I was wasting my time with him, I had my hopes up for no reason. I did not want to blame him for making me this way because I should have been cautious with my own feelings as well but I wanted to put it to an end and that was it. I knew that what I was about to say could ruin our friendship and it always has with other guys in the past but I regret it a ton with Marc. I wish someone had stopped me then, I was always the type to put my feelings on the table and it ended horribly every time. I should have learned by then... He either liked me or we were only friends. If he liked me, great - maybe we could figure something out but if he did not.. then.. We should stop wasting each others' time and go back to how it was before feelings and routinely activities developed.
    "What do you think of me?" It is not my fault that he gave me some signals and that is how I developed the courage to ask a question that could either make or break someone (me).
    "I think you're a nice kid who worries and over thinks too much."
    What?
    He called me a kid here and there but wow, I should have thought more of that. The word 'kid' should have stopped me but, like I said, I needed to know the answer.
"Ahh, I see. I just got friendzoned. ha." I could tell he was confused because it took him a while to respond. Well?
We were going back and forth. Basically, he told me how it was and felt extremely bad.
My heart was broken. I had not been that upset in so long. What should I have expected though? Whenever I'm upset, I feel like my heart is going to burst and die from pumping so much since I was hyperventilating while crying. How could he not have felt anything? Did he just enjoy my company? I can't really blame him, I put him in a tough situation and even if he felt something for me, I was way too young for him and he has something good going on with the love of his life. That was it, I was living in some type of fairytale. That breath of fresh air he was was something he and I only lived in that helped distract me from the real world.
I sit in the bathtub, on the floor -- it's what I did whenever I was unsettled and discomposed. I give him credit for responding sympathetically. The tears kept on falling and in that moment, I had regretted everything from learning how to drive a manual to seeing animals together at the zoo. I was in the bathroom longer than usual and I knew my Mom, Grandma, and Aunt were worried. I was not able to leave the bathroom with puffy and swollen eyes, I wasn't ready for the questions that followed.
I don't know why I kept on sobbing and why the tears couldn't stop. Maybe I was afraid that things would never be the same or it would ruin our friendship or because my ego was ruined and I was rejected and nothing ever turns out okay for me? I eventually came out of the bathroom and my grandmother was so worried. What I liked was that he gave me an explanation and I wish I had saved it but he actually cared about my feelings. At some point, he even downplayed himself and was confused as to why I liked him, he may be doing that to get me not to like him or he really thought he was a 'waste of space' as the screenshot appeared from a video game, it seemed. He should have been flattered, we decided to not talk for a while and it felt good to let go of my feelings but I only felt worse afterwards.
"Why were you crying? What's wrong?" She tried to be understanding so that I would open my mouth to let her know but since she kept trying to get it out of me, I told her,
"That's why you were crying? Don't be someone who falls in love too easily. If he doesn't like you, that's okay. You wait for someone who likes you for you. There's no rush, you're still young." My Grandma's face was shocked since I never like to show my feelings. I already knew that but I was a fool. It's the feeling inside when someone says 'no' or 'I don't like you romantically.' What was I supposed to do? I was the type who enjoys taking risks and initiative; my mindset at the time was - If I don't tell him, how was I supposed to know the outcome? Maybe he liked me back and was too shy to admit it? I wanted to know the answer, and I wanted to know it now.
The next few days and weeks went by. No message from him at all which was expected since I ruined everything. I remember crying a river the day he rejected me. I sat on the bathroom floor while covering my eyes. At one point, my body was on the wet and disgusting floor because I had no escape whatsoever. I knew it was for the best, I had to detach myself from him sooner or later before problems involving his girlfriend would arise.
I started distracting myself by hanging out with old friends whom I left suddenly without saying goodbye to. I even remember ice skating with them, singing karaoke, and having an amazing time. They were a good distraction, I even met this other guy who had small interest in me but I was not ready to move on. I was the type that needed time unless I met someone way better than can occupy my thoughts with other things. There's nothing wrong with going at your own pace.
You know that feeling when you're so emotionally drained that you can't understand what your heart physically wants to express? I was left feeling empty and destroyed, my heart, so I did one of the worst things anyone could do. I went back to a guy who I was madly in love with in the past (I honestly don't know what love is but I felt this strong connection and I was in such strong like) until Marc came along to help me organize my thoughts. I wanted to check up on ZP (past guy).
Little did I know that my first damn initiative caused everything to spiral downwards. If they really wanted to talk to you, they would. If they wanted to be with you, they would. I took initiative because I was bored. I knew ZP could never compete to Marc, but the bad boy type made me fall head over heels. My taste in "men" is unbelievable, but I'm young and naive with more to learn. My explanation for going back to someone makes me sound even more stupid.
I don't think there was any way for ZP to get in touch with me, I blocked him on social media. Marc wasn't talking to me anymore so hey - why don't I just downgrade, again? ZP and I don't have good memories... he and I used to also work together (Marc, ZP, and I) and ever since I confessed my feelings, I felt as if he took advantage of what he could. Which - tip #3045 - never mix business with pleasure unless you plan on quitting and if you have a good sense of identity.
While I was with Marc on most of my summer days, I heard that ZP started dating one of my rivalries at work, just one of the many things I called her. She and I would compete for ZP and we also competed to see who would be on the top of the list when supervisors considered us. I was hesitant. After allowing him access to me (not that he noticed or tried before), he finally decided to talk to me and I did not know whether or not to reply. To this day, I regret it. A lot. As you can see, I regret a lot of things which are my fault since I like taking risks that don't benefit me. I knew better than to go back to his conniving ways when I knew how horrible he was when playing with my feelings but I needed to get my mind off of things. Though not a reasonable answer, I did miss his presence at times. If Marc did not stop talking to me and if I hadn't told him how I really felt then I wouldn't feel the need to go back to ZP since he was my only option. Or I could have left things alone and focused on myself but... y'know. I don't intend to blame Marc forever for the reason that I turned to ZP but it definitely was a factor.
On The Way Home
I only saw my mother once a year, my emotions were all over the place that I did not want her to drop me off at the airport. I was very excited to go home and allow the possibility of things to go back to how they were with Marc. Or so I thought.
I came back in August and I hadn't seen Marc for about a month, instead - ZP and I started hanging out often and I was ecstatic in the moment but it was wrong. So wrong. We were just using each other but once you get used to someone, it's hard to drift away. I guess I was just happy that ZP gave me the attention that I hadn't received in months.
[2015 August]
I had bought a ton of souvenirs for Marc that I had an excuse to see him and show him how much he meant to me. I even used the blanket that I bought him hoping my scent would linger on while spraying my favorite perfume on it and did not realize until later that the smell was powerful. How embarrassing! He loved everything M&M and was quite envious that I was able to go. I also felt the need to buy him things because of all of the times he's paid and allowed me to have some fun while I did not have anything or many friends myself. After coming back from Vegas, I do not remember talking to him but I asked when he would be free because I missed him more than ever. Those gentle and manly hands, the way his hair lay on his forehead, his pearly white teeth and adorable smile, the way he squinted his eyes in confusion, I fell in love with the way he carried himself and how he treated others.
He had finally reached out to me while I was babysitting my baby sister; "You have school today? I'm free after work if you want to do something." This was the first step to reconcile but he was definitely still weirded out. I hadn't seen him in three months so the butterflies made me think of the first time.
I heard the engine running near my house and saw his new red car placed on my neighbor's driveway in which I was not too shocked since he made that mistake the very first time he picked me up at my other house. I remember the sound of the distinctive doorbell, everything froze while only my heartbeat was meant to be heard. I told my sister who was in the living room not to open the door. Opening the door felt like a little kid who was eager to receive a gift, I could feel my smile come alive and I wanted to run into his arms, but it was not my place and it never was. I composed myself and grabbed the big yellow bag with M&M characters all over it and the background of the famous, "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas Nevada."
We drove and decided to go to the Burnsville Mall, I hated that I did not have money and that he called at inconvenient times but I wanted to be around him so badly. Plus, our schedules were different and I would start school the week after this. It was as awkward as being in an enclosed space with someone you did not have much in common with (not referring to Marc, no matter what he and I always had something to talk about). Since there was not much to do, we played at the arcade for a little bit.
I told Marc something that I had not really told anyone, I wanted to see his reaction - mainly. Would he get jealous? I let him know that ZP and I had something going on for a while, if you know what I mean.
"Is he ever mean to you?" Of course he wasn't, except for the fact that he only wanted one thing and played with my feelings but my ultimate goal was the same as his.
"He's a nice distraction."
"From what?" Marc asked confused. "...From me? Just admit it..." How could I admit it when it would only make me look like a fool? I denied every bit and Marc sounded like a fucking idiot. So self-centered.
There was never really much to talk about and 'hanging out' with him meant nothing. He didn't have his stick shift car so he could not teach me how to drive a manual. We were only hanging out with each other for the fun of it. I don't know how fun it was to him since I told him that I liked him. I wanted to fix things and go back to normal but I did not want to be the only one trying anymore. It was tiring. I was tired; but there was always small hope in the back of my mind. I tried to be optimistic but at the same time seeing reality wasn't difficult.
The Sixth Time
There was this movie (cheesy, romantic, and mysterious) that I have wanted to see for months since the trailer came out. My short term goal was to go with Marc. Dad did not want me hanging out with boys anymore - Marc or ZP. It was not fair because guy friends are the only friends that actually put in effort and they are so much more fun to be around.
It was a holiday because the mall was packed and I could not even recognize Marc at times since he was unintentionally blended in. I was at the concession stand after purchasing my ticket and I got a 'small' bucket of popcorn. The smell of sweet buttery goodness penetrate the points of my nose. All he and I could see is the big screen and nothing else because the seats are not elevated like other theatres. Previews move in and out of the screen while the taste of saltiness and blandness fill my mouth. From one corner, I could smell the floral and fruity fumes on other bodies circulate around me and the room. The romantic movie starts and the lady who seemed ginormous to me and Marc eyed the male lead with tears in her eyes. My hands reach into the 'small' bucket of popcorn many times that I could feel the leftover dust and the soft butter on my fingertips. Marc, to my right, sat quietly without complaining because in conclusion -  the movie was my choice.
Unconsciously, I could not take my eyes off of the screen that the projector is playing on and the popcorn in my bucket became less and less. The pitch black dark room helps me focus on what I was really there for. Both of my ears are occupied that I fail to hear my phone drop on the hard floor until I see it is missing when I go to take a sip of the sugared soda. My first actual crack was from that. My peripheral vision informs me that Marc's arms are crossed while staring straight ahead but it does not tell me how he feels about the movie. The soft fabricated seats held me and whatever necessity that I had, it was the type of fabric one did not know if it were old and there for years. The shakiness of Marc's leg did not help me interpret whether he was cold or if the scene had him shaking for answers. I did not know whether to continue snatching each popcorn since I wanted to seem like a lady and not a fat teenager having the whole tin to herself.
Footsteps roam back and forth to seats and the sound of chains/metal walk in and out as well. The room did not allow me to see what I was going on, but I could sense the commotion and trouble in the near distance. Security quietly whisper and I drown out the sound of whispering and ice moving in cups. The 'small' bucket of popcorn tipped over onto Marc's shirt and pants and his facial expression was unpleasant, one mistake that I had made - accidentally. We were already too close, so I didn't know if helping him clear the popcorn off of his clothing would be too close to comfort. I tried not to make any noise after that, trying to quietly pick up my cup and slowly let it down. Enjoyable yet suspenseful music from the movie made me sit up straight while being on the edge of the dark red seat until the lights turned on.
That was the last I have seen of him and at that time I was devastated because once things were not aligned it was hard to fix them by myself. I felt I was the one always taking initiative and that should have been the first sign. Sometimes I see him on my news feed but I decided to choose the option where I would still be his friend on social media but I would not have to see what he was doing with his life unless I voluntarily go to his page. It seems like he is doing well with the love of his life and I did not want to become an interruption anymore.
Thoughts
I did not care anymore, no, that was a lie, I cared so much. How was he doing? Who does he hang around with now? I did not think about our memories as much. It definitely helps that I do not talk or see him. Our memories will forever be implanted into the deep and far away parts of my brain and I will not dig them out unless I really want to go back to that time. Eventually life does not stop for anybody or anything and we all move on; I even have a new job in which I hope to meet someone more worth my time. I still need closure, I don't know how people do it or if there are special instructions but I still feel this empty, unfortunately. If I can't get that closure with or without the help of him, I may have to slowly endure more of every painful day until I can finally say I don't think of him and that I am no longer in love, lust, or like with him. Was it love? I still don't know. All I know is that it makes me nostalgic to think about our memories and I wish I could spend everyday with you.
To: Marc
[Present. 4-5 months later]
It seems I have tried to get in touch with you a couple times but it wasn't reciprocated so I won't continue to chase after you. I'll try my best but my thoughts are all over the place, maybe this letter will help with closure? It's coming from everything I've thought and wanted to say.
First things first, thank you for everything. Because of you, the summer of 2015 was the best by far, I could honestly say it was because I enjoyed your company and because I was able to explore different things with you. The best feeling is doing anything and even nothing with someone you love and could talk to for hours. I don't love you nor was I ever in love, but I care for you deeply and liked you strongly. It made me feel really special that you enjoyed spending time with me and took the time to get to know me because I've never had someone who truly cared. At first, you were meant to be my instructor as I was the student. I didn't care about your shabby car or how your hair would go a bit over your eyes because your personality was all that mattered. Even now, I still have the perfume that I always used whenever I was with you and that makes it so special to me. I guess whenever I think of you, that perfume will help me remember the memories.
As I write this now, it's somewhat difficult because we haven't talked or seen each other so the only acceptable thing to do was to move forward with my life and my feelings weren't as fresh as they were when you broke my heart yet there are tears in my eyes which lets me know that you'll always have a special place here. For the longest time, you were the one who had my heart and I feel so bad that I can't give you what you've given me in return, the best times thus far. The only thing I could manage is that I hope you're happy with her and that you don't go out seeking adventure whenever you're bored in your relationship. I've always thought - how am I going to feel when you announce that you're getting married? Or when you're buying your first house? When you have kids? We are at different parts in our lives that it wouldn't work out even if we tried, and now I understand. I'm not bitter or upset that our feelings aren't mutual, I am happy you were honest. Do I regret our time together? No. Am I glad that you told me how you really felt? Yes.
All I could ask was for you. You're everything I would have wanted and more. My Mother was right when she said that things get easier with time because now I just want what's best for you even if it isn't me, as cheesy as that sounds. I will forever be grateful. Even if we see each other down the road and ignore each other, it'll be okay. If one day we meet, I'll still welcome you with open arms. Fate will work it's magic and either way I will be okay. I assure you.
ZP [December '14 - August '15]
Michael, Sophia, her two friends, and I were sitting at the table enjoying the warm and comforting udon noodles. I enjoyed their company despite the fact that Michael and I had to wait for Sophia's slow self. It felt like an eternity that I kept rolling my eyes without the care of others noticing. There was talking amongst the room and glasses clinking as the waitress picked up garbage. The room smelled of soap since we were by the kitchen and people still waiting in line for an open table, this restaurant was infused with Japanese food lovers.
As Marc has just rejected me, I turned to ZP and from the high that I got from being around my awesome friends I said something silly, "Let's be friends with benefits!" I don't know what I was thinking, I knew ZP would take it seriously because he's a 19 year old boy who couldn't contain himself and is very 'touchy feely' but I wanted to say it anyway to distort his mind. He said the utmost forward thing which everyone knew what it meant.
"Do you just wanna come over and chill and watch Netflix?" Did he really just ask that? In this day and age it's substitution for, "Hey, come over to pretend we'll watch movies then I'll make a move on you and we can have sex." He was definitely taking my suggestion a little too serious and it's all my fault ha-ha. Mind you, I was still in Las Vegas so he couldn't wait until I got back, but we'll see if I actually went through with this. I thought that since Marc didn't want me, maybe I can get some kind of approval from somebody else? I thought, wow, if he wanted it that bad I could make him do something for me.
Totally focused, I scroll through my phone and saw a picture of flowers.
"Buy me flowers."
"What? Are you serious?" It wasn't my fault that I just wanted to receive a nice bouquet of flowers if we were serious about being more than friends but less than a couple... Somewhere in between, just right? I didn't think so and I didn't know what I was getting myself into but I felt wanted and needed to occupy myself. It sounds unreasonable and I wanted it but at the same time I didn't. It's been 5 months and looking back makes me feel so stupid. What a gullible little girl I was as I say to myself when I'm really the same person without any street smarts whatsoever.
Besides that, my heart pounded uncontrollably as I opened my front door to him standing there with bright red flowers. I had not seen him since I quit work and I wonder what he felt when the door flew open. They weren't your usual dozen but only a few. This guy is fucking cheap, but I appreciated the effort. I'd rather not disclose what happened when we arrived, plus, thinking about it makes me cringe every time. But I guess there is always a first time for everything! I meant - what we did. Not the fact that I'd write it down.
ZP surely distracted my thoughts from summer because I had started to fall for him, again. There was something about him that made me attached - maybe it was his hair, his niceness, I still don't know what I saw in him but I wasn't the only one, when we worked two of my other coworkers liked him as well, so my taste in boys were not too far fetched. We hung out a lot after that and even went to the mall and such. He was a bluff or maybe it was clear what he wanted but he would hold my hand in public and even carry me. He came off as Prince Charming excluding the fact he wasn't much of a gentlemen but wanted to show off what he had, I guess? He would never compete with Marc though and that's why I still had him in the back of my mind. I have so much more to learn, clearly.
Months passed and I was tired of the same routine without it going anywhere but damn was I comfortable around him. I established long ago that we couldn't be more than friends but being as bored and hopeful as I was, I kept him around which was a big mistake. He lost all respect for me and I lost my own self respect while looking tongue tied. I wasn't dumb rather I knew what he thought and wanted of me but I gave him permission to continue what we had going on anyway.
[December]
We have not been around one another for a month or two and I was quite hesitant but I had to go see what he wanted to say. He could have changed and realized that he wanted me for me but I was oh so wrong. The night before I was told that I was missed and wanted and those words were incredibly faulty. I cried tears of joy and sadness because I actually believed that if it was true, all of my effort and hard work has finally paid off and feelings were finally mutual.
We sit apart on the couch and I sit in silence while waiting to see if anything he had to say or ask was worth it. My heart was exhausted from trying to find answers so I let him do all the talking. Time was limited so if he couldn't get his point across by the time Jurassic Park or whatever was over, that was the end of it. He was trying to butter me up, as the older folks would say and I wasn't surprised one bit.
"Tell me what I wanna hear."
"Do what I wanna do for once."
"Keep your hands to yourself."
"Well?"
"What did she have that I don't?"
I was desperate that I even compared myself to his ex and that was only a few things that I said. He had nothing new to say. I should have known. Tears started to drip all over my face, he didn't know what to do and it was awkward as ever but maybe he would take me seriously for once. As if my expressive feelings during long text messages weren't enough, I had to physically show it.
During that time, tears fall and memories play in my head like a movie on a projector except with the times me and ZP used to be together. The times when I would see him at work everyday, when we hugged and our coworkers would giggle, when he would make me jealous on purpose, avoiding him, eating lunch together, anticipated text messages, and more. Some memories more lucid while the other half disorganized. I live in the past more than I do the present and that's how I became devastated. "I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry" described the situation perfectly. Every sad or happy moment with ZP made me nostalgic yet glad that I was able to meet somebody like him. I was crying because there wouldn't be a happy ending between him and I because he made it unambiguous.
I still remember how we met. It was my first day of work and I was being trained by my good friend Rachel when he came through my checkout line and he must've known I was knew considering he's never seen my face before. He bought one item for his break and even assisted me a little bit when I needed help with the next step. My first impression was: oh he looks kind of old and was just some guy passing through. I discovered that he worked at this place and saw him a few times throughout the day. You see, I become a little naive when guys are kind to me which makes such an attractive quality. Never had he come up and introduced himself, I wouldn't be in this situation where he's only a few inches from me.
A while ago, we laughed about how we first started talking. I got ZP's number from Rachel and told him that I would like to get to know him better and he still teases me about it and laughs when he thinks about how nervous Rachel was since she was my messenger. Anyway...
It was silent. The movie still rolling.
He grabbed me by the waist and laid me on his side.
"Awwh, did you watch something sad?" He obviously was aware that I was crying hence my swollen eyes and sniffling nose but was scared of confrontation. I wanted to go home. There was never a moment where ZP didn't know my feelings for him yet I had to try to get what he felt out of him. The difference between him and Marc was that he and I never did anything new, or go on dates - which didn't help create any sparks or chemistry.
"So... Do you like me? Or were you just saying that? Tell me what I want to hear, don't waste my time." My voice was calm but my insides were churning of aggravation.
"I already told you. I do like you and I want all of you - everything." He had a way of words and that only made me satisfied temporarily since he didn't covey actions of "I like you and want everything you have to offer." I could feel my eyes roll effortlessly although that's what I've wanted to hear for about a year. I valued that it probably took a lot for him to say it even if it was a false statement, so, applause to him.
On the car ride home, he was being idiotic as usual. I never talked while in the car, most often I just stare out the window and think. Think. Think. Think. That's what gets me in trouble emotionally and mentally. He seemed pretty happy whenever he would bring me home which pissed me off. I always made him park a little bit further from my house so my overprotective Dad wouldn't become furious.
"So... You're not going to ask me anything? Did you really mean what you said?" I asked nonchalant. He took out his phone and I paused waiting to be respected.
By that time, he was already sounding annoyed. Maybe he was downplaying it or really did not care, "I do like you... We just need to get to know each other more. I don't want you to get hurt."
"We can get in a relationship and get to know each other." I was desperate and distraught. Sticking around someone sometimes works when you want them to like you or it doesn't and you end up wasting your time. My time is wasted, my time was wasted.
"That's not how it works, that's how relationships fail. Just text me and let's talk about it, please. I need to go." I wasn't moving an inch until I was a bit satisfied. I guess you could say I have trust issues and that's why I wanted to hear some type of endeavor in his voice to win me over.
I was getting weary because I should have known what to expect. I turn to look somewhere else with displeasure but before I left, if it wasn't anything else; I needed to feel his lips pressed against mine. And that was the last time we had anything to do with each other. I didn't want to become hopeless quite yet, I mean, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt before becoming upset. Whenever I heard cars, I would look out to see if it was him. Whenever my phone shook of vibration, I hoped I would see his number placed on the screen. Whenever I saw similar cars, I thought he was hanging around my city.
After a while, I learned that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. He told me what I wanted to hear but there was no connotation behind it. I think I had finally realized my worth and that I deserved someone who earned me, it wasn't an easy path to get to where I am but with time it led to healing and the opportunity to get to know myself better. He was not my Prince Charming but an excellent lesson. Like Marc, I was grateful to ZP in a way I was glad to be able to learn, grow, and think in different ways. Like any other person who has impacted my life in some way, each of them is different and has taught me something valuable whether I've learned about myself, relationships, and friendships. And that's the gift of life.
To: Z
If I were to gather every word, thought, and memory with you I could release a thousand tears. I'm pitiful because I have always worn my heart on sleeve thinking you could have a change of heart. I've learned that no matter how much effort and time you invest into someone - it does not mean they're destined to reciprocate anything. It may move their heart a little, just like it did to you (or so you said), and things still won't progress. Endless nights talking and seeing your face everyday, how could I not develop foolish feelings? Didn't you feel it too? It's a little hard to organize my thoughts, but I'll just start with...
I've liked you for as long as I can remember. You have a great personality, you're funny, and nice. I opened myself up to you way too much and I'm embarrassed. At least I tried, and now you've known how I really felt so if you ever felt doubtful... I'd always be here. It would be out of this world if you liked me as well and actually pursued something but I can't force you to, so what's next? For the past few months you were the only one I thought about when listening to sad music and staring at the ceiling while sighing out of sadness. Being the bad guy, you flirted with all of our coworkers and not only did I see it - so did one of my really good friends. I should've cut you off from the jump. If I couldn't handle the jealousy, what made me think I would ever want to be in a relationship with a flirtatious 19 year old?
Really, what am I going to do?! I couldn't handle it anymore yet I agreed to spend some time with you whenever it was convenient for you. Contradicting. Selfish. I wanted to spend time with you too but you wanted to for all the wrong reasons. I'm filled with rage and remorse for allowing you to take advantage of me that I don't even want to fancy this letter that you'll never read, it's just effort wasted anyway. I no longer want to know what would be enough for you to like/love me because you either have the feeling or you don't; and from the beginning it was never there. It was one-sided, of course... I'll always be sad when it comes to you and I hope you get hurt just as bad but at the same time I hope you receive everything you deserve. Think about that.
Sincerely,
The girl you missed out on who saw your flaws and loved you anyway.
[2016]
Max
I am somewhat relieved that they didn't choose me. Something finally went right for me. It's a new year and I will focus on myself and my studies -- not to mention this is the year I graduate! I've been waiting 18 damn years that stressing over some guy wouldn't do me any justice. Instead... I have met the guy of my dreams... My best friend.
To get over love we must become in love all over again. Or something like that. Okay, I heard this witless quote on the bachelor that kind of makes sense. It was a few years ago, we were in the same academic program at school - "Academy of Finance." Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us and only look after the fools. Max and I were stoked to be in the same English honors class, a few years back was when we met...
Class was dismissed, I had learned to love the sound of the bell that screamed freedom. Literally.
"Hi, my name is Max." My eyes widened and the nerves all over my body couldn't be controlled. The world stopped and I didn't even notice if there were people behind us waiting to leave to go to lunch nor did I really care. I shook his hand and those beautiful teeth were intimidating.
"I'm Monica." Which he already knew but he was definitely trying to find a way to talk to me in person. He even commented on my photo a few months back asking if I went to Clark when he already knew seeing as he made eye contact with me a few times. We walked together and the hallway was loaded with hungry teens rushing to meet up with their friends for lunch. Max was in a different program which its main concern was math and science.
We walked together to lunch and started talking and texting often after that. Endless texting and getting to know one another, I started looking forward to receiving a text and to talk to him, it had been going on for about a month or ago but that's how all friendships/relationships come about, right? I became familiar with where he came from and where he wanted to go in life. Max had an older brother and sister and wanted to explore the medical field.
He was my best friend. Max was a shoulder to cry on and whenever I needed help, he was the one. I'm positive he got tired of all of my complaining and advice about other guys. Either way, he was always there for me. Our car rides were my favorite, our interest in music was similar and we sang our hearts out whenever we got the chance. Though his sharp turns made my head whip around like a bobble head, it wasn't anything major.
He was present when I got my heart broken by Marc and ZP. Max was the type of friend that would rush to your house if you called in need of help. In our world history class, I was silent as I stared into space and examined Max laughing and talking with this one girl named Andrea.
"Monica, what's wrong?" He was annoying me, I rolled my eyes the other way and shifted in my seat while ignoring him. I wasn't getting the attention and my heart was a bit jealous. I was the one feeling sorrowful while he's just laughing his head off.
Rrringggg! That was the bell.
He touched my shoulders, "Are we still on for pizza and movie tonight?" I wasn't in the mood anymore, I was still hurt from ZP and no doubt Max wanted to help.
"I'm not feeling so well, I'll call you later." Though I had regretted pushing him away, time would be the only thing to heal me. I felt bad that he was only trying his best and got nothing in return.
I was always in a bad mood after school so props to my Dad for being able to handle it. I walked straight to my room indifferently without an appetite for anyone or anything. My eyes drift in a deep sleep for school had always worn me out. I woke up around 9 PM and I turned to my side to check my phone - it's what everyone did nowadays. I gazed at what the light had to offer outside of my window. It was probably the neighbor's headlights until a rock was thrown. Whoever it was knew I loved old and raw romance, or maybe it was somebody pranking me.
My head peeked out to realize Max standing there with a sign saying, 'Feel better! Come out and let's go get ice cream!' When he saw that I saw his sign, he called me and I couldn't help giggle and roll my eyes. Ahhh, I'm so lucky to have him as a friend. This feels like it's straight out of a movie.
"It's 9 PM. What're you doing?!"
"Just sneak out, I just need to borrow you for an hour."
"I'm sure my Dad will allow me, slim chance."
"Pleeeeease."
"Wait..." I pressed my phone against my bed while trying to hear if the man of the house was still awake; I'd walk in and out of the room to see if he'd notice and say anything. 30 minutes has passed and I heard snoring through the thin walls. I checked outside and held my finger to tell him 'hang on.' It was fairly chilly out and I tried shutting the front door really quietly, we had those alarms that announced when the door opened so I wasn't confident that I'd be able to pull it off. I ran to Max's motorcycle and gave him this smirk. My mood was already improved because we were going to get food and I was with my best friend. What's better than this?! I also am in love with late night drives. Well, rides in this case.
Because Max was gentle and amusing, I started looking at him in a different light but I didn't want to for it could ruin our friendship and it wasn't right. I felt like a predator looking for her prey, it seemed like I always desired a man or a relationship to be apart of. I breathed in a breath of fresh air and for once, I was content and calm. I wish I felt like this daily.
"In the mood for frozen yogurt? Too bad, we're going anyway." I didn't care where we went, it just meant a lot that he took time to come and get me and also tried to make me feel better. My arms were around his upper waist and I looked around at the street lights and other cars at this time of night. I sighed exhaustingly and closed my eyes while going on for the ride. The next thing I know, warm tears drizzle towards my chin without making a sound.
We had almost arrived and I was still enjoying the journey. I quickly thought about happy events so Max wouldn't see how hurt I was inside.
The frozen yogurt joint wasn't open, we got there a little too late. Max was pleading to let us in for a little bit after hours. "I'm so sorry, I thought we could make it." He was disappointed.
"Hey, it's okay. I needed to come out for fresh air anyways. Was this your plan along? To steal me even though things were closed at 10 PM?" I chuckled as he placed his hand to scratch the back of his head, "What should we do now? Have anything in mind?" Though we still had school tomorrow, I didn't care because nights like these were infrequent.
We made our way to this isolated lake to just unwind ourselves, it was refreshing yet a little frightening but Max was my superhero so I felt secure most of all.
"I brought some snacks and sandwiches from home."
"Ahh-ha! So you knew we'd end up here while eating snacks instead of dessert?" He suspiciously looked at the snacks and handed them to me, "This feels really nice, Max. Thank you for everything you've done and sorry for being a jerk to you after class today. I'm just so caught up in how I feel that everything else was a blur - even you, who is my best friend. The truth is... What I've wanted for a really long time was to feel wanted, someone who would open their mind and heart to me. It's tough to find people who are committed, I've even wondered if guys and girls can just be friends? There isn't a guy whom I haven't fallen for even in the slightest way, I look and feel desperate. I should focus on what really matters... I am so boy crazy." Max was staring into the distance as if the frozen water had an answer for him. His eyes were down, hands in his pocket, and he was shivering from coldness and nervousness.
"I have to tell you something. I've been wanting to for the longest time yet I've never had the courage afraid you would judge me and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship."
"Okay, what is it...?" I was a little worried yet wondering if he was going to confess his long awaited love for me.
"I'm... Seeing Andrea. We finally made it official and the real reason I wanted you to come out was so that I could tell you. Of course, I wanted you to feel better as well but what do you think? Your opinion matters the most to me. I think she's really sweet and I could see us going far..." My mind was boggled, I was too upset to even notice what Max and Andrea were secretly up to. How was I supposed to feel? Should I really let him know my opinion of her? He took me out at 9-10 PM just to tell me this?
"We're still going to be best friends, it's just that.. My time will be divided - split." Ahhhh, no wonder why he was so jittery from the beginning.
"Well.. Max.. I think Andrea is really pretty and nice. I'm happy for you." What was I supposed to say? I don't know why, but I felt a little weird. Can you guess why? Well, I remember when I said that I looked at Max in a different light... Deep down, I was happy for him, it's just... Andrea's going to take him away and spend time with him often. I guess it was okay, I had other best friends but Max was the most significant. "Can you take me home? I need to sleep if I want to be decent tomorrow."
It was freezing but I was too distracted to care. I stared at the right side of Max as I was behind him hoping he wouldn't catch me in the mirror. "So do you think your dad noticed you're gone?"
"Obviously not, otherwise he would've called me or something." I wanted to fall asleep on his shoulder but it wouldn't be appropriate.
We had finally arrived at my house - it was average and white that was placed right across other houses and buildings on both sides. He watched as I walked up to my house, I turned around to wave goodbye. That beautiful smile of his made me question why it wasn't me that he would've chose, but Andrea was legitimately kind and all I had hoped for is that she treated him right, otherwise we would have a problem.
Weeks and months flown by and I was slowly becoming at ease with myself. ZP wasn't crossing my mind as much and my grades were looking pretty.
[March]
I ran up to Max and hugged him from behind, "Want to come over for pizza and a movie? I should reward myself considering my grades look fantastic!" I was ecstatic and proud. Andrea walked towards us and kissed Max. Ugh, get a room. "Hi, Andrea."
"Hey Monica! How's it going?"
"Great. And you?" My voice couldn't sound any more un-amused to see her.
"Monica, I'll talk to you later! I've gotta go!" By that time, his girlfriend had already been pulling his arm. This is exactly what I'd been afraid of all along.
[May]
Max didn't have or make time for me anymore. Whenever I'd encounter him at school, Andrea would always follow him like a little puppy; it was extremely irritating. It was time for Max's anniversary or whatever, I am so close to giving up.
"Can you help me think of ideas for what I should do with Andrea for our anniversary?" My phone made that bell sound while I was sleeping. Wtf. How bothersome, he can't hangout with me yet he texts me for advice? Ugh. I'm not going to reply. "Monica, I know you read my text, so please, help. You're a girl, you'd help me better than I could help myself!! :("
Ding!
There it went again, OH MY GOD.
"I don't know and I don't care. Goodnight. I need my beauty sleep."
"Rude much?"
"Awwwh, you know me so well. Goodbye." That was the end of that and I put my phone to 'Do Not Disturb' mode. I laid contemplating with the wind blowing above me. No, I shouldn't do anything. If they're happy together, then no interrupting. But she's not a right fit for him, I know Max more than she does. I don't even know what I feel. *sigh*
It was about time to graduate and then attend college, becoming an adult sounded quite fun. The freedom does, anyways. I started hanging out with a different crowd, it was annoying being the third wheel when it came to Andrea and Max. I was ready to graduate and get the hell out of there. I never spent time with Max anymore seeing as Andrea occupied his time, it was fine though, it was expected.
The weirdest thing happened. He asked if I had wanted to go to prom with him...
"I broke up with Andrea. It didn't feel right with her."
"Oh... Why not?"
"She was demanding and expected too much of me and only the physical attraction was present." I was jumping up and down on the inside but I couldn't let him know that. Finally, I'm able to get him back. Mwahaha, as if I had owned him.
"I'm sorry, Max. It'll take time to get over her, believe me.. I would know, and I'm always here for you when you feel the need to vent."
"Haha, thank you but I'm not too heartbroken. I think I've had my eye on somebody else for the longest time... So I guess you could say that I wasn't too invested in her..."
"You already have somebody new you're eyeing? Tsk tsk, nobody likes a player! So why're you asking me to prom? You confuse the heck out of me."
"I'll let you know at prom. By the way, what color should we coordinate with?"
"We'll see, depends on what dress I find. If you have a color in mind, let me know. I have to go and I'll talk to you later. P.S. (I wouldn't want to go to prom with anyone else)." I was thrilled! I guess I had developed feelings for him, I know him inside and out and I was interested, never tired of him. Let the prom process begin.
2 Weeks Later
It was time! Let's hope this experience is better than my junior year prom. Max told me that he would pick me up at 6 o'clock. I was pacing around my room as if I had done something wrong. I had a good feeling about the end of the year and I hope I wouldn't have to run into Andrea at prom, but I probably would.
My Dad yelled from downstairs, "Monica! Come to the door!" Oh my god, he was here and I was so nervous. My dress was following behind me and it was a gorgeous royal purple. I walked to the door and saw that he was standing there with a bouquet of flowers like something out of a movie, once again. My best friend and my secret crush, what more could I ask for?
"Hey. Are you ready to go?" Thank God my Dad wasn't a picture fanatic going crazy like my Mom would.
"I'm all set."
"By the way, you look wonderful."
"As do you." I felt like tonight was going to be a good night, a memorable one at that. We blasted Taylor Swift (my choice) and started blaring out the lyrics to Style. I had to get pumped one way or another, what I really liked is that I felt comfortable around him and I didn't have to be careful about my actions. He understood and cared which made him attractive.
I saw familiar faces but still minded my own business with Max. There were many tables set up draped with white cloth and colors playing on the dance floor. Oh God, I just hoped that the music wouldn't be shit. The ladies handed out our meal and it was better than I expected. I hated dancing but it was my last prom so why wouldn't I go? Max had touched my arm underneath the table and my mind was filled with confusion, my eyes had widened and all I could make out was his subtle smile staring right through me. Wow, he was brave.
"What was that for?" I asked innocently and smiled to myself.
"Just because," Max said. I wondered what was up his sleeve and needed to find out as soon as possible because he's acting dubious. I continued to enjoy my meal as I saw the rest of my friends and gave them a big hug. We took some pictures and the lights started to become low...
"Is that our calling? Let's go dance." I was dreadful but knew it was the norm since we were at a prom. My friends helped me dance since I looked like a dead zombie in the middle of the dance floor. Max was just as awkward, maybe that's why he didn't go to prom last year. Of course... A slow song started playing and I gripped onto his shoulders and rested my head.
"So, Monica, I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now. The person I've actually liked even before Andrea and I got together was you... My best friend whom I just fell in love with. My favorite memories were with you."
I was shocked, I didn't know what to say so I looked around the half empty room and it eventually got less and less. "I... don't know what to say." He stopped dancing for a minute and looked into my eyes sorrowfully.
"If you don't feel the same -"
"No, it's just that.. I'm stunned. I might have felt something for you too because I was jealous Andrea took up most of your time. It's surprising - after being rejected all of these years I'm delighted someone could actually express their feelings for me... This isn't a joke right?"
He chuckled and pinched my cheeks, "No," and after that moment he kissed me on the lips and the whole world stopped. I could just imagine the small amount of people left staring at us but I closed my eyes to really be in the moment. As soon as I opened them, Max's expression was surprised and I directed my eyes to see where he was looking and Andrea had her heels in her hand looking pitiful. I knew this night was going too well for something not to happen.
"Go after her."
"Seriously? It's fine, I-"
"Just go. It's okay." He was torn between staying or chasing after her but he eventually went. I grabbed a drink of water and was curious as to what he was saying to her. It still felt surreal, best friends turning into lovers, how every great story began.
25 minutes has passed and I was becoming doubtful. He confessed his feelings for me, but what's taking him so long? I gave him 10 more minutes and if he still forgot about me I will up and leave. The room was becoming more vacant while music continued to play for those who were still present. I carried my tired self to wait for my ride on the first floor but just then Max showed up. He told me how sorry he was that he took forever because Andrea kept sobbing and blah blah blah. I was heated at this point so I pretended as if it was fine, sort of.
"Why do you have to explain yourself to her? She saw what she saw and that's how you truly feel, right? My brother is coming to pick me up, leave if you want." The bull was getting old, everything in my life just so happens to screw up that I didn't know whether to believe Max when he said he liked me. My guard was up, "I'll see you later." And just like that, me and my aching feet left the building.
The Next Day
Prom was amazing yet I still felt unsatisfied. I also had work which made my mood go from a 5 to 0. Dad was ready to drop me off but there was a glittery box at my doorstep. I bet it was from Max, just a wild guess. I took it with me in the car and inside was a card along with some chocolates.
I'm sorry for yesterday, I could see how upset and frustrated you were with me that I was speechless and didn't say anything before you left, but please believe me when I say that it's you and it has always been you. My efforts to make you happy and be a good friend made me realize that I'd never want to lose you. That 30 minutes that I left you alone for yesterday was because I had to explain and try to get it through Andrea's head that you were the one for me now. When you're ready to talk just give me a call and I'll be there. I've seen the best and worst parts of you and I would accept it anyday. I'm been ready for months to make things official and more real. I hope you like the chocolates.
                                       Max
Those were the things I've been waiting to hear my whole life, for someone to be ready to want to invest in me and I was grateful. I couldn't stop thinking and daydreaming at work that I messed up orders here and there. I don't know if Max and I should rush into a relationship because I love being good friends with him and I feel like I just need time. What worried me the most was that it may ruin our friendship but I was willing to take the risk. I had been ready to take a risk like this for a while. I guess good things do come to you when you stop looking for them.
I stared at the ceiling and felt ready to talk to him. I gave him a call and he came to my house and I came out for a little bit and we just sat on the grass staring at the sky.
"Thank you for that box earlier and I thought to myself, if you're really serious about this we can definitely take it all the way home. I'm quite serious and willing if you are." It felt good to say that and for it to be reciprocated, that's all I've ever wanted and asked for. He looked happy.
"So, will you be-?"
"Undoubtedly." I gave him a big hug and we laid while watching the bright stars. So, here we are. The stars, when they're aligned, we are aligned and it just so happens that we've been watched over and became blessed to have one another. Sounds too good to be true, but we're ready to face obstacles together. I looked at his big brown eyes and was thankful for all of my past experiences, those who've made an impact in my life big or small and relieved that my time has come. Finally.