Rose (En)

II. "who would have thought loving was that painful ?"

While I was following her in the town, through the street nicely illuminated for the Christmas period, it started to snow. The noise of her little heels on the paving gave rythm to the walk.
« Here. » she said oppening the high door of her residence. She was living in front of the bakery, and a little further in the street, we could catch sight of a fountain, in the centre of a small square.
We took the stairs ; she lived on the third floor. Her apartment was big, the front door gave onto a living room, lighted by a large window. It was decorated by orangy colors.
She proposed me to put down my stuff, before taking me into the kitchen, where she gave me some tea and a piece of vanilla cake, baked few hours before my coming, relating me the last gossips, as if those four years had lasted only a day. Then she installed me in the guest room, furnished by a single bed and a chest of drawers.

I woke up in the morning by Rose who was opening the shutters, stood next to my bed.

« Linda come to see how it's white outside ! »

The light was already filling the little room. I left my sheets and stood up, resigned. We were side by side at the openned window, admiring the snow-covered street. She, was ready to start the day, she should have woken up early, while I was still wearing my nightgown. A freezing draught came to caress us, goosebumps formed on my naked arms. She closed the window.

During the following days, we were often outside, in spite of the cold weather. Rose made me visit a part of the town, I also got the opportunity to see the cathedral where she came sometimes to pray, she said. She also asked me if I like theater, I answered that I had never been there. So the evening she took me to the theater, and we came back to it the day after.
Once, while leaving the residence, we ran into two neighbours and friends of Rose. Brenda and Lionel, a married couple with a young child, whose she had looked after few times, according to what she related me. Both seemed really friendly and open-minded.
I didn't quite know how to feel after this meeting, although very short ; I just had in front of me the example of a perfect couple, with who everyone would have liked to sympathize, and so Rose, wiggling to amuse me, with her mauve beany covering her golden hair. She was lovely, and this made me so sad.

Then, Christmas came. We were alone this night in her living room, after a good dining, laughing foolishly of everything and nothing. In a more serious way, she asked me to close my eyes. Plunged into darkness, I felt her warm fingers brushing my neck, I shivered.

« I'm sorry, I had nothing to wrap it...»

I openned my eyes, discovering around my neck, a silver chain with a little pearl.

« No, I apologize... I have nothing to give you...» I said sincerly.
« What are you talking about ? You are here, for me it's a wonderful gift...»

Her voice was sweet, she put her hand on my cheek to reassure me. Her eyes were light, and her gaze peaceful. I looked at her lips. I would have liked to put mine on hers...
But this moment came to an end, and we went to sleep. It was late, and as surprising as it could seem, she proposed me to stay with her this night, in her room, in her bed.
I curled up in a corner under the sheets, back to her. It was uncomfortable, I was scared. What would she think if she knew ? If she knew, that a little earlier I desired her lips, that I still desired it. She surely would have never taken such a decision, letting me sleep with her, what an idea ! She would have felt betrayed, and would have kicked me out in the cold with my luggage, then I would have slept in the station and taken the train at dawn, to come back home.
But no, she hadn't any doubts, she was here very close, so innocent. And I, I was so guilty and frustrated. I squeezed my arms around my chest and cried quietly. Who would have thought loving was that painful ?

Picture: Annemarie Schwarzenbach by Marianne Breslauer, 1933