Dear R,

Dear R: Scar Scratcher

Dear R,

Today, you reached out for me again and... I don't know what to say, or maybe, emotions filled me in a way that I can't convey the irregular beating of my heart into words. That's why I can't comprehend what I exactly felt - for what you did, for you. It has been a very long time since we spoken last. Distance has been our greatest enemy, for what, four or five years? I don't know... All I know was you- the young boy who told me he loves me- made me feel something so strong. Too strong that I believed it was love. Was it... Love?

R, I thought I was over the things you said, and the way you made me feel every time you told me those three meaningful words. I thought I was over YOU. But today you made me remember all those crazy things I felt for you - You, literally, told me everything AGAIN. How could you do this to me? How could you rip my scars open? They were at peace, R - silently lingering over my skin, it was visible yet it remained as a lesson - that needed to be kept in mind, not to feel again. But you... you made me remember the pain, how it badly hurts. You made me long for something that was supposed to be forgotten. You made me - even if it's hard for me to admit - want you, AGAIN.

You told me you loved me so much and I swear I wanted to believe in you. I, actually, believed in you then. You unfortunately just don't know, because I was too afraid to tell you - too afraid that you might not feel the same or worse, you might be lying.

You thought you knew everything. You thought I was the one who gave 'us' up and that was all. But no, you knew very little about our everything.

Let me tell you, R - The EVERYTHING... that absentmindedly formed, the thing we had, as something that can never be replaced, here, in my heart.

You're the one who made me dream even if I'm awake. I spent days and nights, fantasizing about us, being together - your hands in mine, your smiles directed to me so as your eyes and you saying you love me. But you left. Yes, you left and everything seemed not right since then. I've waited for you, at least for the things that you are going to say and explain. But... I got nothing. You just... vanished. You're the one who lift me up, just to pull me down. You love making my mind swivel, thinking about crazy things. You, R, made my normal mind go insane. You'd been my inspiration and my distraction, all at the same time. You were my everything but you make me feel like I was your nothing. I cannot understand why you even worked so hard for us, just to let it fall apart.

I cannot understand a lot of things since then, till now.

Aren't you tired of making me feel this horrible things? This endless thinking and wondering?

I was done with you, R - Done with all the reminiscing and wishing and hoping. Why do you have to come back, when you really shouldn't, when everything was okay, when I already gathered all the pieces you tore apart? I cannot comprehend why you didn't tell me how you REALLY feel right then, when I needed something to hold on to. Why do you have to tell me "how you felt" when everything was too late. Why do you have to be late? Why do you have to be...away from me for a VERY long time then have to show up again, saying you want to be with me, that you miss me and you want to know how I've been doing.

R, that conversation made me stay up this late, replaying all the things that we said, all the memories that we shared. You made me feel like all my efforts of pushing your memories away were useless. How dare you made me feel everything again, from our innocent beginning to the bitter end.

I want to stay away from you and want you back at the same time.

No.

This is not right.

I shouldn't have written this letter at the first place.

You shouldn't come back.

Not knowing what to do,

THE CRAZY GIRL WHO NEVER LEARNED