Dear R,

Dear R: Let me just... breathe

Dear R,

I don't know why I agreed upon seeing you today... I just, I don't know... and then there you go again, repeating things like no one's hurt before, like nobody wronged anybody, like we're fine. Well... WE ARE fine. I've been fine without you and you seemed fine without me, too. And... We seemed fine catching up with each other's life as well. So, honestly, I don't know which is better for us anymore - together or apart. We seemed fine both ways but I am afraid, afraid that I might felt better when you're here, again, with me.

When I saw you again and witness that smile that reaches my soul, those eyes that looks at me like I'm beautiful, I can't find the strength to tell you to stop. I must be stopping you, you shouldn't look at me like that and I... Shouldn't be feeling like THIS. But then, all the hesitations I had were strangely replaced by happiness the moment your hand touches mine, your skin in contact with mine, it feels perfect. You hugged me and it only takes a fraction of second for me to relax in the familiar warmth of your body as though this was all I had been waiting for, after so many years, you're still the one I needed, wanted... Loved? I'm not sure. I am too afraid to be sure. But too happy to care about the world. Right then, all I can see, again, was US. Only you and me. Happy.

But R, happiness terrifies me because when it's too much, it overflows into the ocean of sadness and I don't want to be sad anymore, not again because of you.

You're too good at making people believe you are an angel, you were an expert at hiding your monstrous side which once shattered me. The possibility of 'you' hurting me over again is very high its hurting me already. It was scary, but still, something deep inside me pushes me through the limits, screaming another try... Try.. Try... And maybe this time it will work. Maybe you've grown up, maybe you've changed and maybe... Just maybe, this time you meant what you said. But then again I've learned to be careful to whom I will give my trust to. It was hard for me to trust you again ,R. As hard as I found moving on from you was.

I know you know how much I like you but don't use my weakness. Stop giving excuses, hypnotizing me with your everything. You said we were too young back then.

No, R.

It's not an excuse.

Love is not about time or how young or old people are, it's about how you feel- or in our case, felt. And I am so sure I loved you, too much I guess. And that feeling gave me too much happiness and sadness at the same time.

R, I am not that naive girl anymore, time has molded me. Even if I am feeling this stupid butterflies inside my stomach, even if it takes everything in me, I will not give you another chance to make me happy just to break me again.

I'm begging you to stop right now, because I know, you know, we know that it would only take another word or anything from you to change my mind.

We're probably better off this way.

Wait...

Let me just...

B r e a t h e...

O... K...

Goodbye.