Butt Wait, There's More! (a TDOAS Fanfic)

Butt Wait, There's More!

"You're full of shit," Rory accused between laughs.

"Why the hell would I make that up? I don't want to think about my mom and Harvey... doing it." I censored myself like I did in elementary school, when I didn't really know what "it" was. After my little sister Phoebe left for her first sleepover at a friend's house, I quickly learned that Harvey shared her excitement... for other reasons. I only wanted to grab a glass of orange juice when I heard the smacking of sloppy kisses and my mom's giggling. I whacked my foot against a corner of the wall and the room fell silent. I entered the kitchen slowly, despite knowing that my warning worked, but I never got the glass of OJ I wanted. Harvey kicked me out with, "Don't you have somewhere to be? A friend's house?"

"That's rough, kid... maybe it is too. I don't know what-"

I made a series of noises that can only be described as audible key smashes. "Stop! Oh my god! That's my mom!"

Rory put his hands up in surrender."I'm sorry," he apologized while sporting a smirk. "I couldn't help myself."

Time passed quickly with Rory. When 3 AM came, I was staring at the ceiling while he sat beside me on his laptop. I was tired but I couldn't sleep. I wasn't sure if my insomnia was caused by Rory's aggressive typing or the ingrained image of my mom and Harvey.

I turned on my side and scanned Rory's room while a woman on TV asserted that air is the enemy of freshness. His bookshelf was different from the last time I saw it. He had so many books and comics that he had to leave some in stacks with what I assumed were his favorite figurines setting atop of them like a pedestal. I made it a game to count his books instead of counting sheep.

"Hey, Carter, look at these." Rory nudged me and broke my concentration. I only made it to 42.

I slowly sat up and learned what "these" were. Boobs. An infomercial for the "Ahh Bra" was playing. A woman pointed at a girl wearing the bra and explained what made it so great. I shot Rory an unamused and disapproving look while he laughed at himself.

"I've never understood the fascination with boobs—"

"Shocking," I interrupted.

Rory didn't acknowledge my comment and continued, "You should explain it to me." His interest (in hearing me talk about boobs) shown on his face, and I wasn't sorry to disappoint.

"You're the detective. Figure it out," I challenged.

"Ooh, so are you more of a butt guy, Carter?" A stupid, crooked grin spread on Rory's face.

I wasn't playing his game. "Sure, Rory, I'm a butt guy."

"Hey, don't knock on butts. Butts, like the boobs you prefer, come in all different shapes and sizes." Rory proceeded to give me a poetic and colorful lecture on rear ends. My favorite comparisons of his included food. "You and I, my dear Carter, sit at the bottom of the scale. We've got crepe asses."

Once I finished chuckling, I had to defend myself. "I think I have a white girl butt, at least."

The ordinarily effervescent Rory suddenly turned cold and stale as he shot me a look. "It's a sad world if Carter Miller has a plumper butt than Rory Finchum." He looked me up and down. I dreaded what would inevitably follow.

"Get up," ordered Rory. He lightly nudged me to do so and prepared for my defiance. "Respect your elder. Get. Up."

"You're a year older than me," I pointed out.

"Still older. Don't be an asshole." Rory seemed to think that insults would convince me.

I'm ashamed to say his method worked. I stood up with a huff.

"Holy shit." Rory pushed his laptop aside and sprung up. "Have you been doing squats?"

"What?" I wore a look of utter confusion.

He clasped his hand over his agape mouth and shook his head from side to side. "Your butt is actually plumper than mine... What the hell?"

He looked pitiful, like a disappointed child on christmas morning. He crossed his arms over his chest and sat back down. This time, he was the one huffing, mumbling about smacking the smile off my face. I never thought that I'd be caught smiling because my butt is superior to Rory's.

I joined him in a moment. "I'm sorry. I already knew the world is sad," I said with a slight shrug.

"Asshole," he grumbled.