What To Live Without

Get To Know You

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away."

- "The Middle", Jimmy Eat World on Bleed American

Cupping a warm caramel macchiato in my hands, I smiled at Louise from across the table as she began telling me about her life using as many hand gestures as she possibly could. And boy, that girl was always excited. She wasn't excited to the point of Phangirl or Dangirl, screaming included, but she was enthusiastic about everything. This was great because I often shared the same sentiment. Louise was helping me face the world when all I wanted to do was the opposite.

"So," Louise began, taking a sip of her mocha latte before setting it down. She was sitting in Dan's chair, the one he sat in as if he owned the entire Starbucks. "Tell me about Dan. More specifically, talk about your dynamic, your relationship. My curiosity is peaking," she urged, twirling a lock of shiny brown hair. I racked my brain quickly, trying to figure out what to say. I already trusted Louise and I could never be a liar.

"We're best friends," I murmured, shaking my dark, raven hair out of my eyes once. Louise nodded vigorously and I opened my mouth to speak again. "I care a lot for Dan and he does the same for me. We've been living together for a while now and I wouldn't have it any other way." I liked living with Dan, even if sometimes he forgot to buy new toothpaste or inform me that the Tesco deliveries were arriving. I got to see my best friend in person everyday and spend as much time with them as I wanted. I don't think it could possibly get any better.

Then we started to make our collaboration videos. They still made me laugh when I rewatched them, to this day. I still remember the first "Phil Is Not On Fire" from when Dan visited my flat for a while. I remember him in a grey sweater, saying, "This is the most fun I've ever had," and my grateful emotions when he said that, causing me to tackle him in an endearing moment I will never forget.

"How does it feel?" she whispered, drinking more of her latte. I bite down on the inside of my cheek and looked at her, taking in her shining auburn eyes and arched eyebrow, much like Dan's. I immediately knew what she was talking about.

"Seeing people lavish him, love him, shower him with praise. Seeing him get more attention than you in his career because you told him to. You convinced him to. You dug yourself into that hole and he's smiling down at you with the sky painted behind him." I gaped at her openness. She smirked down at her drink and I felt a bit weary. What was she trying to do? I asked her exactly that with a bit of confidence.

"I'm trying to help you, Phil. You're going to self-destruct. Both you and Dan are obliviously riding this wave of success and the joy of earning even more subscribers. There's a real, cruel world. Dan will not always be there for you." Louise looked up at me with a ferocious gaze and I bit my tongue to prevent myself from launching at her. The girl made me want to cradle and cut her at the same time, two emotions that were unusual to me. Since when did you become so hateful, Phil?

"That's not true," I snapped back, and the right corner of her lips twitched. I squinted my eyes at her and then tried to control my breathing. Sure, Dan and I weren't on the same fame level, but that didn't give anyone the right to speak badly about him. Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. Louise looked at a person hovering over me, her eyes wide, then her smile triumphant.

I didn't get a chance to do anything because I felt a chin hook into my right shoulder and a cheek pressed against mine. Dan looped his arms around my waist and folded his hands on my stomach. I tilted my head back a little, then came to a screeching realization that really should've been more obvious.