Me without You

Hey guys :D A friend of mine has persuaded me to post this monologue which I wrote for a drama assignment. I don't think anyone will read this, but whatever. :)

Do you remember the time when we were “attempting” to bake cupcakes, but instead we ended up having this massive food fight? Mum and Dad were furious. We were banned from going into the kitchen after that. You and I did everything together. We’d hang out with our friends together, go shopping together and even eat lunch at school together. We were inseparable.

Although like all other siblings we fought. Do you remember the time I borrowed your Gucci handbag without asking? You walked right up to me and my friends in the mall, ripped it out of my hands and stalked off. You were furious and I was so embarrassed! We didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

Do you remember how we were the perfect family? Mum would stay at home all day cooking and cleaning. When we arrived home from school she’d always give us a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. After dad came home we would sit down as a family for dinner. You and I would sit there for hours just laughing at dad’s jokes. Mum would just roll her eyes. Do you remember the way mum and dad looked at each other? After ten years of marriage they still looked at each other with so much love, like they were falling in love for the first time. Well, sis, they don’t even glance at each other anymore. 

 Everything’s different now that you’re not here. Mum and Dad hardly speak to me, let alone to each other.  Family dinners are now silent. No one speaks. Dad doesn’t tell any jokes anymore and mum doesn’t roll her eyes. Most days now dad doesn’t get home until late at night and when he is home he’s constantly on the phone to clients or filling out paperwork. I think it’s his way of dealing with it. Mum doesn’t kiss or hug me when I come home from school anymore and she doesn’t cook as much. I try to avoid her at times. The slightest mistake will make her crack. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and hear her crying. I asked her about it once, but she just looked away from me and sent me to my room. I think I remind her of you too much. 

School’s not the same without you. Lunch is always pretty quiet now. Like at home, we sit there in silence. Our friends are afraid they might say something that will make me upset, so to them silence is safer. To me, silence is deafening. When I walk through the hallways people give me weird looks and whisper to each other. “Look, there’s Dana, the girl with the dead sister.” I’m not known for my brains or looks anymore. I’m known for losing you.

I’m the only one in the family that goes into your room. Mum and Dad can’t bear to be surrounded by the memories, but I crave them. They’re the only thing that keeps you alive. I sit on your bed for hours, just thinking about all the things we did together and all the things we’ll never get to do. I never thought that I’d lose you sis. I thought I’d have you forever, but I don’t. I’m alone and lost. I don’t know which way to turn or what to do next. I’m completely clueless. What am I supposed to do? Come on sis, tell me! I need your help!

I know, you can’t. You’re gone. It’s up to me now. It just seems so unfair. Why do I get to grow old and not you? Why do I get to live out the rest of my teenage years carefree? Why didn’t I die instead? If I had the chance I’d trade spots with you. I’d do it a thousand times over to just know you’re breathing again. I should be dead, not you. If you were alive and I dead Mum wouldn’t cry every night. If you were alive and I dead Dad wouldn’t spend all his time working. If you were alive and I dead you guys would still be the perfect family. If I was dead instead of you, I would be happy. I miss you.