The Insecurities Of Beauty

Chapter 6

The surprising thing was that after everything I told her, she didn't seem to judge me. It was almost like she was used to stories like this, which I guess she is since she's a therapist and everything. But even then, she seemed genuinely concerned for me, like she truly wanted me to become better. And that made me realize that she was most definitely a good person, seeing as she took this job to help people and not just for the money. So, I think I'm in good hands and for that, I am glad!

"Lana, you shouldn't have to be bullied and that too on such a large scale just for people who are envious of you to feel better about themselves. Always remember, you are you and there's no one else in the world quite like you. People will always say things like this to those who look the slightest bit insecure. It's just them finding another way to project their insecurities on others to take away their own issues, but you shouldn't take it to heart! And of course there are people who are jerks for absolutely no reason, just because they can be. Never listen to them because they never say the truth, at least not the whole truth. But then, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not everyone can always agree on something that abstract. All those people who bullied you in school were just envious and jealous of you because you were best friends with a person they thought to be perfect. That doesn't mean you're not beautiful, because you are. So, since ignoring you didn't work, they began to put you down, and that worked! But the thing is, you shouldn't let what they say affect you. They're not worth it."

I kept thinking about her words even after the session. She was right, wasn't she? I shouldn't care. But I do and that's the problem. It's like everything that those bullies ever said to me were emphasized a million times in my head. Like everything had an infinity times more effect than it should. And sure, sometimes I've retaliated or kept quiet and took it but it's always stayed in my mind.

"Your way of dealing with the bullying is to listen and to try and act on it by exercising and not eating regular home cooked food and then binging and purging. This is, as you already know, the wrong way to act on it. Trust me when I say that all you're doing is hurting yourself. With bulimia, unless you try to stop your binge and purge cycle, it could lead to other disorders which may be much harder to treat. Remember that you are not helping yourself, you are hurting yourself! You have to condition your mind to realize this fact properly. So from this day on, make a conscious decision not to binge or purge despite whatever calmness you might feel. You will not get anything worthwhile from it."

After dinner that day, I went up to my room and I couldn't help but want to purge. I looked into the mirror and all I could see was fat. Just fat, fat and fat! It even looked like I had gained more weight which couldn't be possible right? I subconsciously walked to the bathroom door to vomit my guts out but suddenly I stopped when I heard Dr. Stephanie's voice echoing in my mind. "From this day on, make a conscious decision not to binge or purge despite whatever calmness you might feel. You will not get anything worthwhile from it." Remembering her words I walked away from the door feeling a sudden urge to turn around but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

That night I managed to steer clear of purging, listening to Dr. Stephanie's words, thankfully! When I told my parents in the morning, they were very proud of me for making a conscious decision to stop. I had my session with Dr. Stephanie again that day. Apparently, I would be going to her every single day.

In this session she gave me 'homework' which was to start looking at the mirror everyday, once in the morning when I wake up and once in the night before I sleep. She wanted me to look at the mirror and say "I am beautiful, slim, and talented and I love myself." The idea seemed a little bit much but if a world renowned professional therapist says it, then there's no harm in trying right? Of course she also talked about other stuff but they didn't really seem as important.

Before I slept that night, I looked into the mirror and said those words but as I kept looking at myself, I couldn't believe it. But hopefully I would at some point!
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[A/N]

Hey!

So the gif in this chapter is just the sort of overall theme. I chose it because I want everyone out there to stay strong!

If you have these types of insecurities or if you have an eating disorder or even if you are bullied in general, I want all of you to stay strong! You're all beautiful people and I hope you never forget that! You may feel like you're worthless or talentless or ugly but the thing is, you're not! You all have an inner beauty that shines brightly even if you can't see it yourself.

And I know I got a little "emotional" here but I really mean it! I just want all of you to know that.

Now on a lighter note, I hope you guys liked my chapter and I will see all you beautiful people next time! Byeeeee!

-athena