The Insecurities Of Beauty

Chapter 11

Before I went to school the next day, I made sure to take my favorite T-shirt and sweats that I loved wearing because it was incredibly comfortable and I didn't look like a total walrus in it. At least I hope I didn't. School was okay but the breaks were so much fun since I was no longer spending it all alone. I'm quite grateful that I spoke to Leila that day, otherwise we would have never become friends which would've been terrible. So I'm pretty proud of myself for that!

Soon it was time to go to Leila's house. Right now we were all standing outside waiting for Leila's mom to pick us up. "Leilaaaaaa, how long do we have to wait for?" James whined for the fiftieth time since we had come outside.

"Shut up James! She'll be here soon so stop your whining for God's sake!" Leila replied, looking utterly annoyed by him. That shut James up for at least another five minutes but he would probably start again soon.

Thankfully before James could start whining again, her mom drove up. We got into the car and Leila introduced me to her mom and we held polite conversation all through the car ride and when we finally reached the house, she simply told us to have fun and that she would get us some snacks.

We all went upstairs and into Leila's room which looked so pretty and artsy. On one of the walls there were like a million colors in the form of swatches. Other than that the room seemed pretty normal I guess. I also noticed a boom box on one side of the room and I immediately ran to it. "This is so cool! You have a boom box dude! Play something now!" I practically yelled feeling extremely excited. I loved anything music related!

Leila simply laughed and switched it on. "Rachel and I normally use this when we're dancing. I agree with you Lana. It is pretty cool," Leila says to me.

"You guys dance?" I ask, looking shocked.

"Yup we love dancing as much as you love singing!" Rachel tells me.

"Wow, that's a lot then!"

"Guys can we do something besides talking about Leila and Rachel's dancing talent!" James asks looking bored.

"Okay Jay, chill! What do you guys want to do?" Leila asks us.

"Oooh how about truth or dare?" Rachel asks, jumping up and down.

And the rest of the day went by just like that. We played truth or dare. I got some lame dares like to go down and start miming random stuff to Leila's mom which resulted in her thinking I'm crazy till we told her that it was a dare. Then we did prank phone calls which I surprisingly rocked at. Then we just spoke, watched a movie but unfortunately after that James and I had to leave since it was 7 and I had to get home for dinner. Rachel decided to stay for a little more time since she lived just down the street from Leila's house.

I couldn't stop smiling after I went home. I had the absolute best time ever! I was so happy. I told my parents about how much fun I had over dinner and they were happy for me as well. Then my dad told me that Dr. Stephanie had called and said that I had improved a lot. And that she expected me to be completely alright soon. I guess I had improved if I thought about it. Even though I don't absolutely love myself or think I look beautiful, I don't look in the mirror and hate myself anymore. Sure I think my body is nowhere near perfect but Stephanie told me that it's just my body type. I have big hips. But so what right? That's what I'm starting to think now.

*Two Months Later*

Anyway, so it's been two months now and my friendship with Leila, Rachel and James is still growing strong. They're seriously my best friends and I want to tell them about my bulimia but what will they say? Will they hate me? Will they console me? Will they help me? I don't know what to do. I should tell them. They deserve to know right? And I will tell them.... Soon!

Right now I'm at the mall because Leila and Rachel dragged me here saying that we had never gone shopping together and that we had to. We are currently at some big clothes store; I didn't bother looking at the name. Plus they were dragging me so I had no time to anyway. Suddenly Leila came out of nowhere and yelled to me "Oh my gosh! I found the cutest dress ever for you Lana! It will look so great on you!"

"Uh Leila that looks way too small for me."

"No, it looks exactly your size. What are you talking about?"

"No, it's definitely smaller. Do you see these hips? No way can that dress fit these hips."

"Lana why would you think that? You're this size. I'm sure. Please tell me you do not actually think that your hips are too big when they're so not!"

That's when I realized my mistake. I just voiced out one of my insecurities. I might have to tell her about bulimia. I know I said I would do it soon but this is too soon. "Uh Lana? Hello?  Leila said while waving her hand in my face.

"Oh right uh sorry. It's nothing. I'll tell you later," I say, trying to smile at her. [gif]

"Okay, if you say so."

Leila ended up buying me the dress even though I didn't try it on; she was that sure that it would fit me. Later that day when we got back to my house, I pulled both of them into my room and told them to sit down. I had to tell them. They deserved to know.

"Okay so guys I have to tell you something very important and you can't tell anyone else okay?" They both mumbled okays and stared at me waiting for me to start talking. "Leila do you remember when I was talking about my hips and how I don't like them?" She nodded and I continued. "Well that's because I.... I'm not well. I have bulimia, the eating disorder."

When neither of them spoke, I continued "I'm a lot better now though. My therapist says that I'm close to being cured except for the rare occasions when I can't stop my body from binging or purging. I had to tell you guys because you're my best friends and it wouldn't be fair not too."

"Please guys say something! You're scaring me!" I begged them when they still didn't do anything besides looking shocked.

Then they just looked at each other and Rachel blurted out, "You're bulimic?" I nod immediately.

"But how? You're so pretty! How can you think that you're not?" Leila said.

"It's a long story...." I reply. I then tell them all about Sierra and everything that happened.

"Wow, what a total jerk!" Rachel says after I finish telling them.

"Yeah this Sierra person seriously sucks," Leila says while nodding her head furiously.

"Dude don't worry okay? We're here for you. Always!" Rachel says looking at me sympathetically.

I smile sadly back at her and nod. "Thank you guys for understanding!"

"Of course we would understand Lana, you're our best friend!" Rachel replies to me while hugging me.

After telling Leila and Rachel, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I eventually told James as well and he was in shock just like the other two. He kept saying that I was beautiful and that I shouldn't feel bad about my appearance. Lately all my friends have said that a lot. I'm not sure if they mean it though. Suppose they're just saying it to be nice or something? Well I definitely hope not!