Back to the Trees

Chapter 4 - Letting Go

I eyed the bottle of high dose painkillers for the hundredth time. How easy it would be just to take a few more than prescribed and join st end all of this heartache and misery. But I wouldn't get that opportunity because Mitchell had taken time off work to keep an eye on me, and luckily for him, his workweek quiet lenient on him.

"Come on Lily, you're doing well." He handed me a chicken salad sandwich and sat down beside me with his own sandwich. He petted Rocky's head before digging into his lunch. I just looked down at mine. I had no desire to eat it.

"Come on, you've got to eat something, or you'll be no good at helping me paint." He spoke though a mouthful of food but I couldn't help but smile. He knew how to keep my mind occupied. He always had.

He and Alannah were redecorating their room. Today Mitchell had been left to put the last coat of paint on the walls and Alannah had gone for a scan and then gone looking for a Moses basket for the baby with mum.

I took a small bite out of the sandwich and my stomach growled uncontrollably. Mitchell laughed at me as I quickly devoured the rest of it.

"What?" I didn't look at him, rather focus on brushing the crumbs off my top.

"I just haven't seen you eat so much all week. It's good to see you getting better." He took my plate and put moth mine and his in the sink. "Let's get going then."

I peeled myself of the sofa, readjusted my hair bobble and took one last fleeting look at the medicine bottle.

"Okay, let's go." Slowly but surely I made my way down to the room and picked up a paint brush.

Decorating with Mitchell was always a blast, even as a child. He always found new ways to keep the dull job entertaining. When I was younger he used to get me to paint my name in as many places I could. As I got older he encouraged me to try painting things a little more intricate. Most of the time we just ended up painting each other. 

Mitchell hadn't followed me in, rather he'd stayed behind to wash the dishes. I picked up a paintbrush and stood behind the door. I waited until he stepped through and then swiped the brush down from the top of his shoulder, where I could reach, all the way to the bottom of his back. He turned round, a tell tale grin on his face. He raised his own thinner brush, used to paint along the skirting, and swiped it down my face, from the top of my forehead to my chin. It was cold and an odd sensation. I laughed, as did he. I hadn't felt like this in a long time.

We'd managed to paint three of the four walls before mum and Alannah clattered through the front door. They were laughing about something or other and Rocky was barking at them in excitement. I wiped my paint covered hands down my muppet men's pyjamas bottoms and left the room to calm the dog. Mum wasn't so keen on him because he was so big. Nevertheless she petted him before placing the bag she was carrying on the sofa.

"Lil, just watch the dog doesn't get into that, I'm going back to my car to get the rest of the bits and pieces." I just looked at the back of her head as she walked away again. There was more in that bag than was necessary for just one child. And why Alannah had to get all this stuff now was beyond me. She wasn't even six months in yet.

"Mitchell! Mitchell, where are you? I have exciting news!" Alannah walked in to the living room with one hand on her belly and the other holding what seemed to be a small square of white card.

Mitchell came in through the other door, wiping his hands down his paint splattered jeans.

"What is it?" He glanced over at the bag on the sofa. "Alannah why have you got so much stuff?"

"Mitchell, it's twins." She was almost bouncing as she handed him the small card. "Our little Briar Rose and our little boy."

My heart flew into my throat. They both knew that that was the name of my little girl. The little girl I would never get to hold or watch grow. Had they not thought about how this would effect me? I could see that Mitchell didn't look I pressed with her apparent slip of the tongue. I could see them talking but I could no longer hear them. I moved almost in slow motion it seemed towards the bathroom. I sank down behind the door, my knees below my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I wanted to cry but no tears came, I tried to breathe but each breath caught in my throat.

"Mummy?" At first I though I'd imagined the tiny voice I heard so often in my dreams, but as I lifted my head from my knees, she stood before me. A small mirage like child, no older than four, reached out and placed a delicate hand over my own.

"It's okay to let me go now. I know that you love me mummy, and one day I will see you again. But mummy it's time to let go now." She smiled, moved forward slightly and kissed my cheek. It felt almost like a small brush of air on my face, and my heart swelled a little. I knew that it was time to let her go,  that no matter how long it might be, that I would see my little girl again, and that when I did she would have brothers and sisters to love her too.

"Goodbye, my little angel." I whispered into the empty room and with the words I let her go. She would always be in my heart but she was free to do what she needed to do.

I took a deep breath, stood myself up, walked to the sink, turned on the tap and splashed my face with icy water. I switched the tap off and dried my face off. I took another breath and left the bathroom.

Mum had come back in and all three of them sat in complete silence. Clearly they had filled mum in at some point about my little girl.

"I'm really Lil. I thought Mitchell had told you, I hadn't realised he hadn't thought you were ready." Alannah twiddled her thumbs and looked down at her lap.

"Don't worry Alannah, I just needed to let go. I would love you to name my niece after her cousin." I smiled. "Now, what names do we have for my little nephew?"

Mum left soon after we'd sorted things out. The three of us talked for hours about different names for the little boy but neither of them could agree on one. Henry, Phillip, George, Nicholas and Peter were some of the names that came up between them. After a while they gave up and turned to the kitchen area, where I stood making a simple pasta meal for three of us.

"Can you think of any Little Lillian?"

I thought through all the name that had already been said.

"How about you keep with a 'B' and call him Benjamin?"

They both looked at each other for a moment and gem nodded.

"Briar and Benjamin, that would be wonderful, thank you Lily. Your brother should be proud of you." Alannah winked as Mitchell began to realise what she had said about being proud. This felt good. To be around my family, present and future, and just be myself. My siblings had been part of naming me when I was younger and now I hand the opportunity to do the same for my niece and nephew. This is what family meant, this is what I might never have of my own. Letting my Briar go had been me letting go of the only family I might have of my own, but it had also opened a new possibility to be part of someone else's family.