Just the two of us and a cute little cup of cyanide

ch 1

Liam is very, very, very hungover.

He wakes up and groans, refusing to even open his eyes because he knows the light will make this headache one hundred thousand times worse. He debates rolling over but his stomach lurches at the thought so he resigns himself to just lie there and wait for death.

A body stirs next to him and he reaches out almost instinctively, but his hand is immediately slapped away.

"Get the fuck away from me, Payno," a voice warns.

That's almost definitely Niall. Liam risks almost certain death to check and cracks an eye open, spying the shock of blonde hair poking out from under the duvet next to him. He groans again and shuffles away. "Sorry, pal."

"Shut up," Niall says back, heaving out a deep breath before he presumably goes back to sleep. Liam closes his eyes again and tries to fall back to sleep but his head is pounding too hard to let him drop back under. Instead he lies there silently, rubbing at his aching belly in the hope that he's not going to vomit all over the bed if he does it enough.

Eventually all the rubbing just makes him need to piss so he sits up slowly, trying to contain the nausea that spreads down him, holding his head in his hands. He stands up even slower, putting one foot in front of the other clumsily towards the bathroom where he empties his bladder before almost jumping at his own reflection.

He looks tired and gaunt, of course he does, but what makes him jump is the fact that his face is covered in writing. He squints at himself, trying to focus in on the words that are written sloppily across his forehead and cheeks.

JUST MARRIED!!!

He snorts, trying in vain to wash it off (he blames fucking Harry for being famous enough to carry around a sharpie at all times) before resigning himself to the fact that it's going to need more than just water and if he stays standing for much longer he's going to puke.

He shuffles back through into the bedroom. Louis and Harry are asleep on the floor, Harry's entire body covering Louis like a duvet to the point where Liam is surprised they can even breathe. Why the fuck they didn't go back to their own room and sleep comfortably is beyond him. Zayn is nowhere to be found, though, which makes Liam furrow his brows. It's not like Zayn to pull a randomer, but he supposes it could do him some good.

He scrabbles back under the duvet and curls it around himself, sliding his hand under the pillow to adjust it. His hand finds a piece of paper and he tugs it out curiously, confused at how that got there (it's not like him or Niall read, like, ever).

He unfolds it carefully and nearly throws up as his eyes scan across what's written on it.

Certificate of Marriage

This certifies that Liam James Payne and Zayn Javaad Malik were united in Holy Matrimony on this, the 26th day of May, 2018. Witnesses: Niall James Horan and Louis William Tomlinson. Approved by County Clark, Nevada.

"Niall. Niall!" Liam hisses, reaching back out and shaking him by the shoulder. "Niall!"

"I thought I told you to fuck off," Niall says into the pillow. Liam shakes him harder and he eventually turns over reluctantly, glaring at him. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Is this real?" Liam asks, voice trembling as he thrusts the document into Niall's face. "Tell me this is a fucking prank."

Niall's eyes scan over it sleepily and then grow wide as they register what he's reading. He blinks a few times before rolling over and sitting up, taking the paper in his hands and reading it over again.