I can't love you.
If I love you I'm fucked.
If I love you my heart will hurt when you say you don't love me.
If I love you I will expect things of you that you can't accomplish.
If i love you i will constantly compare how others make me feel to you.
If I love you... I'll love you forever.
It's 2:48am on a Sunday,
You're so confusing. Right now you won't talk to me. You say you hate me yet less than 48 hours ago you kissed me in a way I can't forget. You kissed me like you.. you... loved me.
Maybe it was in my head, maybe my mind was playing tricks on me as it tried to keep up with my rapid beating heart.
In that moment I prayed you couldn't hear my heart beat quicken.
I prayed you couldn't feel my palms sweating against yours or my leg shaking against my chair.
I prayed you couldn't feel my skin tense up as your cold hands slowly lifted my chin.
In that moment, I prayed you couldn't sense it. The nervous state I was in, the feelings I was pushing away. The love I had for you that was desperately clawing away at my aching mind.
But now... I wish you did. I wish you saw the love in my eyes as they looked into your.
I wish you felt it as I smiled against your skin.
I wish that you felt the way i squirmed and laughed like a child as your cold breath hit my neck. Because maybe, maybe if you noticed these little things, you could have seen how hard I was trying not to love you.
From the second you kissed me I was hooked. The movie was funny but I liked watching you watch it more I think.
The way you looked at me as if asking for approval when girls in bikinis appeared on the screen and I'd giggle and cover your eyes.
I think you used that as an excuse because every time I'd remove my hand you'd grab it and kiss it, which only made the butterflies in my stomach multiply.
You knew exactly what to do while I was clueless. I've never been nervous around you, but this night was different.
But hey... I don't understand how you can love me one moment and hate me the next. Bipolar. That's the only word I can dig out of my vocabulary to describe you.
I have no method to figuring you out. I have no way to tell what you're thinking.
Your expressions are impossible to be read.
Your eyes are always dark, rejecting me every time I try so helplessly to look into them.
You have a way to make me feel so important yet hurt me so terribly.
Some people ask me why I keep trying.
Why do you keep going back?
Why do you stay?
How could you forgive him?
Can't you see he's just using you?
But what they don't realize is these questions are already imprinted in my brain.
Want to know the answer?
I stay because I know that if I leave, I will only hurt more.
I know the pain of not having you is greater than I can bare.
I'm aware this may make me appear weak, or pathetic, but honestly... I don't mind when it comes to you.
I hate you.
I hate you for making me feel this way.
I hate you for making me wait all day for your name to appear on the screen of my phone, but it never does.
I hate you for being the only person who can make my breath hitch in the back of my throat with one simple glance in my direction.
I hate you for confusing me.
I hate you for pushing me away when all I wanted to do was be there for you and to help you.
I hate you for lying, and telling everyone that I mean nothing to you when you tell me the opposite, you tell me you care but you treat me like shit.
I hate you for every fucking tear you made my eyes spill that I'll never be able to get back.
I fucking hate you so much because I love you.
It's always fucking been you and you'll never understand!
I'm so sorry that I love you
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I deleted all other stories on this account. I don't want any ties to that anymore.
This is going to be mainly a book for me, a virtual journal :) goodnight //h
