I'm supposed to be studying for exams but that doesn't seem to be happening.
I can't focus in class
I can't focus on the homework sprawled across the table in front of me
I can't focus on the countless words typed in perfectly, almost annoyingly straight lines on the thin paper within the book beneath my fingertips
I'm not exactly sure why every word my algebra teacher says flies over my head
I'm not exactly sure why the words I write make no sense when I read over them again
I'm not exactly sure why the numbers marked sloppily in the top right corner of my tests are so much lower than before
It's not that I'm stupid
It's not that I'm confused
It's not that I don't know how
It's me. It's no motivation. It's you. It's those 'could have, should have, what if's' that are forever flying around in my busy mind
Why is it that everything you try not to feel for so long hits you at one time?
Well this is my time.
I've never been one to have regrets but damn. I have so many right now I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm loosing people, hell, I lost you!
I'm loosing people I would die for.
I'm loosing people I care about so much more than I even care about myself.
I'm loosing people I love
And that's not okay with me.
I refuse to be a bad person.
I refuse to sink below the shallow line sketched by society.
I refuse to embarrass myself any more than I already have.
I regret.
I regret things I've done but I don't want to.
I want to be able to look back and smile at how far I've come.
I hate more than anything when people say "you've changed"
You know what... ya. I have changed. But so did you! If "you changed" is your excuse to leave. Your sad excuse to make me look like the bad guy. Your excuse to walk out of my life. Your excuse for a reason to hurt me... save your breath. Don't say the words. Just leave.
Because that makes me wonder. That makes me regret. That simple phrase makes me hate myself! And maybe I have changed. Maybe I made a few mistakes. But I REFUSE to let you make me feel like a bad person because you... you are the one leaving.
Maybe you have changed too. Maybe that's why you're leaving because last I knew.. you swore. You SWORE you would NEVER leave me. No matter how hard it got. Good times. Bad times. Times where I didn't know who I am. Times where I tried to push you away... you promised you would never leave. And that's what makes me angry.
It makes me so angry to the point where I want to scream. I want to close my eyes and just scream. A scream laced with so much emotion and pain that I won't have any left in me. I'm angry. I'm so sorry for being angry. I hate myself! Can't you see I hate myself!?
I want you to know that I understand!
I understand I changed! I get it! I know the pain I brought to you but that is no excuse. That is no excuse for you to give up. And I know I apologized. I apologized, I owned up to everything I have ever done. I apologized for being angry. I apologized for changing but I refuse to apologize for you not excepting.
I want you know know that I want to change again. This time I want to change for the better. This time I know what I want. I have goals that I refuse to give up on.
And hate me for saying this or not... I found God. I found where I'm happy.
And maybe I don't have everything figured out, maybe I screwed up, maybe I said some things I regret. But that doesn't mean I can't fix them.
And that my friends... is why I can't focus.
