A Letter To The Boy I Refuse To Love

update on this reckless love story

So... it's been a few months. You love her, or so I hear. I can't help but wonder why.

I hate you.

And I wish I was saying that because I honestly hate you but that's not the case... I hate you because I love you and don't want to.

You tore my heart apart like no guy ever could.

You make me so angry. I want to punch you in the face and scream and cry with everything I have in me but I know that will do no good.

You hate me.

The real hate.

I don't know why in all honesty, I wish you knew. I wish I knew why those hateful words spilled out of your mouth like I'm your worst enemy.

I'd rather fight with you and argue with you than not talk to you. As silly as that sounds it''s true.

You'll never understand the affect you have on me.

After everything, if you were to call me at 3 in the morning I would pick up with a smile on my face.

My heart is shattered.

I physically can't cry. No tears will spill for some reason.
We as human expect to cry and then feel better.
But in this case... I haven't cried. I've waited patiently for my heart to let itself break but I would never tell you.
You will never see what you have done. I will never text you to tell you I miss you ,the time's I once did were a mistake.

I don't understand if your lying now or you lied the whole time you "loved me"... did you ever? You say you didn't...

This is so odd, this isn't how we work... this isn't what we do. It's always been us. No matter what, we make our way back but it has never felt so honest and final.

I never expected you to break me. Trust me it was nowhere in my plan... but here I am... typing away pouring my broken heart out into a silly writing nobody will truly understand.

I wonder if you ever think about me... as I see your eyes quickly glance my way in the hallways almost as if by accident, or when your friends call my name and I stop to talk with them you look away, when we both get passes out of class in 5th period because we both hate the class we have and are the only ones in the hallway. This used to be the time you would smile at me and say "great minds think alike" and kiss me until we had to go back or got caught.

Some of my best memories are with you and I think the saddest thing is that I know we'll never have any more "best memories".

No more firsts.

First kiss. First I love you. First date. First fight. First make up. First inside jokes.

I always expected you to be my first everything as bad as that sounds. This reason may be the reason I'm afraid of anyone in my life seeing this writing.

I know it's crazy, but you are the only person I've ever physically craved. And no, not like that. Just touched. The way your fingers moved across my skin. The way your lips felt perfect with mine. Your head in my lap when we watched movies and you were "tired" , your breath on my neck, the shivers I got down my spine when you whispered things to me nobody could hear, your arms holding me safe, the perfect feeling of your hand cupping my thigh at the table... I don't know why these things affect me.
Probably because it's you. I love you. I love your perfect touch. The touch I'll never feel again.... and it has broken my heart like you could never imagine.