ONE LAST TIME (Discontinued)

PROLOGUE

Dear Diary,
Empty. That's how I feel. Inside and outside. There's nothing inside me or around me. Just an endless abyss of darkness in which I drown every day. Sometimes I wonder if I even feel anything anymore. I don't think so because to feel you need a heart unlike mine which has been ripped away and shredded to pieces. That's why I say there is nothing. It is empty. That place, where my heart once used to be.

I had heard about the walking dead, the people without souls, without hearts, just empty shells still alive. I had never thought that I would be the one to join their ranks. But now that I have, it isn't actually that bad. It's okay to not feel anymore. Because I know that if I let it all in, it'll kill me alive.

Even though I say all this, I know its useless. HE is still there. I feel him. Around me. Inside me. He still makes me breathless when I scream his name at the middle of the night. My bloodshot eyes still search for him every day. I look for his smile, the breathtaking laughter that was only reserved for me. I look for his eyes; which had that one look that was always mine. He had never looked at anybody like that. And he would never. I know that for sure.

I wish destiny had been kinder to me and let me live being one with my soulmate. But as usual I had to learn it the hard way. Sometimes it feels like fate has reserved its most brutal blows only for me. How long can I swim against the current? I'm tired now. I want to stop. I want it all to end. 

I wonder what it feels like to be a person who hasn't had their loved ones snatched away in front their eyes. Such a person would never understand me, who has faced one great loss after the other. How am I still alive? Each and every day I die a little bit more yet I still breathe. I still live. There couldn't be a worse punishment for anybody in this world. Yet I live it everyday.

Its not easy. Every breath without him is torture. Everything around me without him is an eyesore. I don't want anything. I don't need anything. Without him, anything and everything is meaningless. Worthless. Except when he haunts my dreams and invades my consciousness. That is when I'm alive. 

Even without a heart, I feel him around me. I don't need anything to be one with him. Because he is me and I'm him. He's dead and so am I.

Nandini.