Insecure (Normila)

Insecure (Normila) Part 5

Normani felt disturbed about Camila's reaction to them having children. The nice date they shared was a distant memory now. The ride back to their apartment was quiet, both girls lost in their thoughts. Normani wasn't very skilled at hiding her emotions so she couldn't pretend she was okay any longer.

"I'm gonna order Chinese. Do you want your usual?" Camila said once they got settled in their home.

She collected her and her girlfriend's coats and put them into the coat closet.

"Yeah," Normani said flatly and unzipped her boots as Camila nodded and called their local Chinese delivery service.

After changing into some leggings, Normani returned to the living room. Camila was curled up on the couch, engaged in her cell phone.

"Everything okay babe?" the Latina questioned, glancing up at her girlfriend.

Normani didn't say anything and sat down next to her.

"We can talk about it after we eat," Camila offered. She gave Normani another look before resuming the game she was playing on her phone.

It bugged Normani how Camila was acting like everything was nonchalant.

"Do you see a future with us?" the Texan asked.

Camila froze and then mechanically put her phone to the side. Her brunette eyebrows connected as she shifted her thin frame towards Normani who was giving her a serious look.

"Is that a real question? Mani, of course I do. Why would you ask me that?"

Normani stared back at her girlfriend who was eyeing her in exasperation. From the way Camila was acting you would think that awkward moment following the movies didn't happen.

"So why don't you want to have babies with me?"

It wasn't an easy question for Normani to ask but she needed to know. She had to stash away her pride to the side, even if her girlfriend didn't intend for them to raise a family.

Camila tucked a lock of her dark brown hair behind her ear and grabbed her lover's brown hand. Her mouth fluttered opened and closed as her cheeks tinged bright red. Normani looked at her expectantly.

"I-I just don't know if I want to be a mom," Camila confessed. "It was something I thought I wanted all my life but, I...."

"So you don't want kids like at all? Even if I wasn't in the equation?" Normani asked, enlightened.

Camila sadly looked into the other set of brown eyes gazing back at her and nodded.

"I'm sorry, Mani....I should have told you," she said, looking down.

The buzzer signaled and Normani stood up to answer the door while Camila quickly handed her the money.

"I got it," Normani said, although Camila insisted she'd pay.

"Mani, please," Camila begged and hurried to the door before Normani.

Normani looked at her and then turned back towards the kitchen to set up for dinner. She didn't know what to make out of Camila's statement. She had always assumed Camila wanted to have children. She was one of those baby and children lovers who oo'ed and ahh'ed over them.

A part of Normani was relieved because this was a general thing; it wasn't that Camila didn't want to have babies with her in particular. But the other part of Normani was disappointed. She just knew she and her lover would become parents.

"Do you hate me?" Camila asked tentatively when they began unloading their meals.

"Of course not. I'm just...taken aback. When did you realize you didn't want kids?"

The image of Camila's mother entered her brain, followed by images of her cousins, and then the images multiplied with people she didn't know.

"It's 2016 and I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable in my sexuality," Camila said. "My mom is still hoping this is a phase and people in our community are still not taken seriously." She looked at Normani to see if she was following. Normani wanted her to continue.

"And this is just an ugly world sometimes, it shouldn't be, but it is. I don't know if I want to bring children into a society like this," added Camila. "Maybe this makes me sound weak but I can't shake it. At least not now."

"No, it doesn't make you sound weak, I get what you're saying. But even though we still have a long way to go, our community has been making a lot of strides. I mean, yeah, we still have creepy men telling us we should date them instead of each other, and there's still people who are just prejudice and homophobic in general, but that doesn't mean we let it affect us. There's always going to be people who don't get it and don't like it, but that doesn't mean we alter our life. Do we need their approval?"

Camila shook her head no.

"Exactly. We have to live for ourselves, Mila."

"How are you so strong? Oh my god, babe."

Normani gave a half smile. It wasn't an easy journey. Sometimes she still struggled with loving herself and cancelling out the negativity she received. Normani wasn't a pro when it came to dealing with hate, but she wasn't going to change who she was to satisfy someone else.

"I'm only human but I just remind myself to do me," said Normani. "Believe me, I've had to deal with a lot. Being a black lesbian isn't easy, baby."

Camila rested her head on her lover's shoulder with her arms snaked around her. "I don't get some people. I thought black people were accepting of gay people though. Like the guys from Real Housewives of Atlanta, what's the one's his name? Derek something? A lot of black women have gay male besties. These men really know fashion and hair!"

"In pop culture it seems like it's that way but there are still people—not even just black people, who are against it and don't understand it. But anyway, it's not my problem." Normani could say much more but she didn't want to upset herself.

She held Camila's hands in her own.

"It's not our problem," she reiterated. "Besides, don't act like you don't wanna be my baby mama."

Camila laughed and squeezed Normani's hands.

"You're gonna be my baby mama! A hot one at that."

"Babe, please. You know we're gonna get wife'd up first."

The couple beamed and shared more laughs as they finished eating, reminding each other of their love.

AN: Sorry for the delay! I hope you enjoy this part. I have to thank everyone who has read and/or voted, commented. It means a lot! xoxo