The English Descendants

30

1877- Entry 1

How many children can say that at age ten, they have twice faced death?

I can. My father put his hands around my neck and sought to strangle me, shaking me in disgust and frustration. I felt the world darkening, my vision blurring as he crushed my throat.

Lucille says the bruises are quite extensive.

Mother stopped him, but I do not think it was out of any love for me. It was likely Lucille's screaming that ended it. They have never wanted their cruelty to be known outside the house and she would have attracted attention. She was, of course, beaten for saving me. Or for screaming, but it is the same thing, is it not?

My sister is my salvation, but she may yet be killed for it when his hand falls heavily upon her.

Did I write that Mother has had her leg broken? Father did it. He stood on her leg until we heard it snap. We are used to seeing her tossed about, thrown against walls, thrown down the stairs, but this was something far worse.

Lucille says that this is not how men and women should be together. She has asked that we pretend, that we practice, for when we leave the house and find ourselves in the world. We will need to know that this is not normal, won't we? That the way our parents treat one another is terrible. She tells me that I should pretend to be the gentle husband she will search for and she will pretend to be the kind wife I will seek and we will be equals in all things. It is a lovely thought, but do people behave in this way? She says they do, and that sometimes even wives command their husbands because sometimes one person can have power over the other, but only if it is granted freely.

She is distraught that he nearly killed me. I have tried to tell her that I will be fine, that this is nothing worse than what Mother has endured for years, but she does not believe me. She tells me that we will take care of things once and for all when I am feeling better.

1877- Entry 2

It has been a month since Father tried to kill me and I am feeling mostly better. My throat still aches on occasion, though.

Lucille has been asking the maids about plants. I do not entirely know why. But she also says that she has been taking Father his tea. He requested that she begin to act like a lady and that serving the men in her life is the first step in that. She tells me that her plan is in action, but I do not see it.

1877- Entry 3

Lucille asked me to the stables very early in the morning. Father hunts in an hour. She had me hold the lantern for her, as it is the only thing she thinks I am well enough to do. His saddle was made ready for him. His horse did not protest when she approached. She had a knife and I wondered if she sought to injure the horse. She did not. Instead she severed straps on his saddle, just a few and we left.

I do not know what this all means.

1877- Entry 4

We have hidden since we sneaked into the stables. Father was coughing rather violently, to the point of losing his bearings, before he mounted the horse. Then he rode off to meet his fellow hunters. She says we will wait. We are back in the nursery, watching out the high windows. She wonders how he will return. I think she is instead wondering if he will return.

1877- Entry 5

Father has still not returned and it is nearly nightfall. She says this means her plan must have worked. There are horses on the horizon. Someone is coming.

1877- Entry 6

Mother is in black. Lucille wears her best dress. I am in a suit. We have just returned from the most unpleasant funeral that I can imagine. There were no eulogies for Father indicating any eternal rest or heaven, but instead only general statements and a priest railing on the need for repentance. Our family is wicked. Perhaps I was born wicked. How could we be anything else, given how our parents hate us?

Lucille says that we might find some happiness now that he is gone, but I have seen the look of bitterness and harshness in Mother's eyes and I do not believe this will ever end for us.

1877- Entry 7

I was right.