The English Descendants

41

1901- Entry 1

There is no money here for the machine.

I had hoped that Carter Cushing, of the steel trade, a self-made man I greatly admire, would have found some room in his heart to help me start my own journey to wealth and prosperity, but it is not so. I am crushed. But I am also hopeful, for I have met his daughter, Miss Edith Cushing, and she is as intelligent and industrious as her father. An ambitious young woman, Miss Cushing has written a novel and is typing it for submission. She plans on sending it for publication with her name stripped to just her initials and her last name so they will not reject it automatically for being written by a woman. She does not want to be good "for a woman"- she wants to be good. And I believe she is. Which is one of the reasons I have chosen to break my agreement with Lucille to become engaged to Eunice McMichael. There will be little time for writing from here beyond. I have plans to lay, hints to drop, and every ounce of my strength will be going into preserving this girl's life. There is little hope that I will also survive this, at least not once Lucille discovers what I am doing.

But if I do, know this, I will never again return to Allerdale Hall. A new life will mean all things will change. I will no longer allow Lucille to touch me, nor will I allow myself the thought that I must. If I wed Miss Cushing, I will do so because I wish to, even if I do not yet love her. I will learn to love this bright spark. I will never tell her what we have done, not until I am dead and this book will serve as my confession. We will make a good life together, perhaps even here in this city of Buffalo, showcase of the promise of the future this very year, as the great Pan-American Exposition shows off the electric light and the new heights of innovation. But I cannot visit it. I shall have to do my best to be innovative on my own.

Edith has the potential to fly that we both once also had, but instead of turning towards the shining light, we were consumed by the damp of the mines and the cruelty of our parents. She has had only the bright embrace of a loving family. I hope the house cannot crush her. If it does, it will deserve even moreso to be burned to the ground, possibly with us in it.

I do not know what will become of Lucille as I carry out my plans to end this. I only hope that she has forgotten that she once said she would kill anyone who dared come between us. It seems that, if my plan works, that person will be me.

1901- Entry 2

We are in England. Carter Cushing is dead. His skull crushed by my sister. Shattered, really. From what little the coroner said, she must have smashed his head into the sink repeatedly. They tried to tell Edith he fell, but I do not know how she could have believed them. This is cruelty at its finest. I cannot believe Lucille has done this, but as I did not choose a woman of her own means, I should have foreseen that she would do something terrible to assure that the flow of the money is unimpeded. I fear the madness, or desperation, is growing.

Someone is coming.

1901- Entry 3

Edith plays often with Enola's dog. It has found its way back to the house. Lucille wanted me to kill it, but...what did it ever do to wrong us? My greatest curiosity is how it survived in this wasteland. There is little to eat here.

Perhaps Enola fed it.

1901- Entry 4

Edith swears she sees ghosts. I have often wondered who, of those we have killed, still wander these halls. It does not seem unlikely. Edith says she absolutely must leave this place. She is terrified.

The post has sent word. There are parts ready for my machine. Perhaps we can spirit away, if only for a day, to be free of this place.

I have had so little time to write, to reflect on what it is Edith is to me. She is light itself. More than friend, she is love. And I cannot help when she looks at me with adoration but feel my own chest flutter. Kisses end my thoughts and feel as if they could birth my world anew. If Lucille knew...let us simply say I hope she never knows, as unlikely as that sounds.

But she is interested in my thoughts, my delights, the machine that I spend so much time working on. The failures as well as the success. She encourages me, and I genuinely believe she wants to see it work as much as I do. This thing will save us yet. Or at least I hope it will. Lucille's nights grow darker and I dread what is coming. Everything has changed, but I do not know yet how.

1901- Entry 5

It is very early in the morning and I am not in any bed in Allerdale Hall. I have, for the first time, spent a night with my wife. I never knew love could feel like this. Or lust. The two blended so beautifully last night. There was nothing to stop us. I worshipped at the Alter of Edith and would do so every night for the rest of my life were I allowed. She is my goddess. This is what sex ought to be.

I, Sir Thomas Sharpe, of Allerdale Hall, confess to whatever god rules this universe, that I am a horrible, despicable monster and my beloved Edith has purified my soul by her bright beauty and her shining love. May it be enough to take me to a place of rest when my sister kills me.

I should ask her to flee with me come daylight. But I cannot, for that would entail telling her why. And I cannot do that to her, nor, more selfishly, can I risk losing her when I do. I have sent a letter to America that should reach her father's solicitor. It will explain everything. I do not think I have much time left and I am hopeful that Edith will walk away from Allerdale Hall in the end. If she does, she should know the truth of me.

1901- Entry 6

I must write quickly. Lucille is coming unhinged. She knows. She knows by the look in my eyes, or the scent of my clothes, or something, that I have been with Edith. She means to kill her. To kill me. Something. I do not know what. I should have fled. May god have mercy on us, for I know she will not.