The Pros And Cons Of Breathing (Petetrick)

The Kids Aren't Alright

PATRICK POV

Fifth period was a nightmare. I found it hard enough to concentrate on maths last period as it was, let alone with Brendon glaring at the back of my head and the knowledge I was going to see Pete after school.

Really I had no reason to be scared, but the closest I had seen to a mentally unstable person was myself, and I wasn't that bad. Not knowing what I would find, that was the part that scared. The others all seemed so hollow and broken because of Pete's current state, and what Jon and Ryan had told me earlier wasn't exactly comforting. 

In some ways it felt like that hour dragged on forever, but others it felt like was over all too soon. When the bell went a mixture of dread and relief swirled in my chest, and Brendon came over to me, eyes narrow and jaw set.

"Lets go." 

In the car park Jon and Ryan were waiting by Jon's car, and Spencer was waiting by Brendon's beside it. Unsure of who I was supposed to go with, I drop back from Brendon a little. Ryan noticed the look on my face and nodded to Jon's car. 

"Come with us Patrick." He called, and I was unable to hold back the grateful sigh. I wanted things to go back to normal with Brendon, but he wasn't ready for that, and a car ride with him would just be painful at this point in time. 

"How long do you think it'll be before Brendon forgives me?" I ask from the back seat as we follow Brendon out of the car park. Ryan gives me a sympathetic glance in the rear view mirror. 

"He'll come around Patrick, but probably not until he sees improvement in Pete." 

"The fact you're going to therapy for Pete has him thinking though." Jon tells me. "When you left at lunch time he didn't seem as angry as he usually did when he talked about you."

We fall silent. The hospital wasn't far from school, and the same feeling of time passing too slowly yet moving too fast weighed on my shoulders. Would Pete even want to see me? Would the psychiatrist even let me in? 

As we got out of the car Ryan put his hand on my shoulder.

"Calm down okay? If they think Pete can't handle it they won't let you in."

Nodding, I take a deep breath. We wait for Brendon and Spencer to catch up, they had parked further away. I didn't know where we going, and meekly followed the others. Brendon lead the way, gripping Spencer's hand tightly. Although it seemed that they were a couple, I didn't know what the story was and felt like asking would be out of place. Currently, I wasn't sure if I could class myself as part of this friend group, and I wasn't about to push any boundaries. 

"Boys." A tall man greeted as we entered the building. He stood up and walked around the desk he had been sitting in. He shook hands with Brendon. "There have been no changes, and unfortunately we still cannot clear you to visit him."

Brendon nods. "We know. We actually bought someone you might want to let visit." He turns me and gestures for me to come forward. "This is Patrick."

The doctor nodded in recognition, but didn't say anything. Instead he held out his hand for me to shake. 

"I'm Doctor Temple. I've been working with Pete." 

I swallowed and nodded. "Brendon thought maybe if I visited, something would change." 

"Why don't we all head to my office and have a chat." Doctor Temple gestures to a hallway behind him. Brendon nods, and we all follow him to his office.

In the office Doctor Temple sits down at his, and gestures for me to on the other side, where there are two chairs. Brendon sits in the other, the Ryan, Jon and Spencer sit on a couch in the corner.

"Now Patrick, I am aware of, tension, between you and the boys in regards to involvement with Pete's circumstance." Doctor Temple looks at me over his glasses, hands clasped on the desk.

I nod, and look sideways at Brendon.

"I've been told you moved away before the car crash, and only recently came back, is this correct?" 

Again I nod, trying to find my voice.

"Do you know about Pete's previous suicide attempts?"

"Uh," My voice stuck in my throat, and I had to cough to clear it. "A little, when we uh, spoke on Saturday, he said he had tried, three times. That's all I know."

"Yes, well the first attempt was three months after the crash. At that time we diagnosed him with depression and marked it down extensive grief. The second time was six months later, and we diagnosed him PGD or Prolonged Grief Disorder. The third time was seven months later, and happened because he stopped going to therapy and taking the antidepressants we were prescribing. We are still unsure of why he tried again this time, but we think it happened as a, lets call it a side effect of his PGD. Usually this only applies to death, but Pete feels, a strong attachment to you, and believes he has 'lost you' forever, and because he had not completely accepted the death of his mother and brother, the prospect of losing someone else he cared about was a bit too much to handle." Doctor Temple explains. Brendon scoffed beside me, but kept quiet.

"Brendon has told us that since you have returned to town, you have been distant and detached from Pete, which was confusing to him because you used to be very close-"

Brendon waved a hand at Doctor Temple and turned to me.

"I told him how you've been weird since you came back, that at the party on Friday you were drunk and told Pete you were gay. Pete took you home because he's a good friend and was trying to take care of you, you kissed him, you tried to have sex with him, he made you sleep, when he woke up you were gone. He came to us, told us what happened, said that he thought he was bi and liked you. We knew you wouldn't talk to him if he tried just walking up to you so Spencer called you over and we left. You and Pete argued. We came back and found him bleeding out in a bathtub, and then I told him what you told us on Sunday. He wants to know if that's true."

Doctor Temple sighed at Brendon and turned back to me. "Yes, Brendon has informed us of the events, but we need you to confirm they are true. Do you trust Brendon told us the truth of what happened?"

"Yes." I reply instantly. "Brendon wouldn't mess around with this."

Doctor Temple nods. "Do you know what Pete feels for you?"

This time I shake my head. "Not really. I don't think he really knows himself. On Sunday, he was confused and said he 'honestly had no idea what his feelings were towards me'."

Doctor Temple nods once again, mulling over what was being said. "What are your feelings towards Pete? Because from what your, friends, here have told me, you are quite conflicted."

I resisted the urge to laugh at that. Conflicted. "When I came out as gay, I got some pretty bad reactions. We moved to a really homophobic community, and most of my family didn't take it that great either. I realized I was gay when I realized I liked Pete, and so from then on, I couldn't help but see Pete as the reason I was getting bullied and beat up at school, then ignored at home. I'm going through counselling now to move past that, because I love Pete, and I want to be able to be there for him if that's what he wants." 

Doctor Temple stands. "Right. I think we should try taking you to visit Pete. Brendon, Ryan, Jon, Spencer, you are welcome to wait here if you like."

He walks over to the door and then gestures to me. 

"This way Patrick."