Vaginismus - A Long Way to go?

Recognizing the Problem

I never was able to use a tampon in my life.

I just didn't know were the opening was and the try only ended in tears and frustration.

I just didn't try again until a year or two later, but the problem still existed, so I just started to ignore it, ban it from my thoughts.

I always lied to my friends why I could not go swimming during my period with them like "I don't really like to go swimming during my period" and things like that.
Those moments were the only ones when I was reminded of my problem and I just didn't feel normal.

I didn't feel like a normal girl.

Then I had my first boyfriend.

When he was down there with his hands I always started tensing up on the inside. I didn't want to, but I just did, it's not something you can control with your mind.

It just happens.

He was always that kind of guy that wanted to talk about problems.

So he asked my why I kept tensing up and why he couldn't finger me.

I told him that I never was able to use a tampon either and he googled and we researched both.

So we found Vaginismus

We both started to read about it and I was 100 % sure that this was my "problem".

But no one really stated a cure.

I know that the first few articles I cried, because that was the fact, black on white that I wasn't normal.

I often thought and still think sometimes that many girls don't know how lucky they are.

They can use tampons, dildos, can have sex as they want.

While I'm here. A virgin. In a age where you're expected to have sex with your boyfriend, especially your boyfriend of one year.

I remember that my first boyfriend and I tried out a bit but most of the time it ended with me crying.

Sometimes I cried for an hour and was shivering and just always mumbling: "I just want to be fucking normal, why can't I be a normal girl"

This "problem" crashed my self-esteem

I have gained back some now but when it comes to the topic "sex" I still feel abnormal, not like a girl