Vaginismus - A Long Way to go?

Spiraling Thoughts

"I can do this I can overcome this problem"

"It's just not getting better!"

"What if I'll never solve this?"

"Why can't I be normal?"

Those were and sometimes still are my thoughts every time I'm reminded of my "problem".

When me and my first boyfriend realised what it was we tried and researched but it just didn't work. It was like at some point it seemed like it wouldn't be possible to penetrate any further.

So with shaking hands and nervous like I murdered somebody I talked to my mum about this whole thing. I've never been good at talking to her about intimate problems, we just were never THIS close.

But she was very understanding and called her gynaecologist and made an appointment.

Mainly because I also had like a little bump down there, which I later found out was a harmless cyst. Maybe we should have told the doctor about my vaginismus problem but we didn't and so she started to examine this cyst with one or two fingers while I was cringing and clenching my muscles. I remember it somehow "hurting" down there afterwards. It wasn't real pain I just could feel the examination the whole day afterwards.

I thought going there would make my fears disappear but to the contrary: It became worse.

I didn't want to go to a gynaegologist again.

But before I tell you when I went again I'll tell you what happened during that time in my personal life.

My first boyfriend had broken up with me but after some time crying it was okay, it was the first relationship. But my biggest fear when getting to know another boy was: Should I warn him beforehand that it could be some time until we would be able to have sex?

So I got to know this boy, he was funny, shared my hobbies and we started dating. I think it was the first time we became somehow intimate that I immediately spoke to him about this. I just told him that if he didn't want to wait I could understand it.

But he stayed.

He said (and still says): "Whatever time it takes I will wait"

He is my anchor.

I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like him who now waited over 1 year for me and there's still no real solution in sight. But he stays at my side.

I am not an easy girlfriend. I am moody and get angry very easily.

I get frustrated and pissed.

Shout at him and get sulky.

This whole vaginismus thing makes my character worse, 'cause I put so much pressure on myself. I can't accept myself with my character AND the vaginismus problem. That's probably also why I sometimes feel like nobody could love me. I feel fucked up.

But there are of course also days I feel happy and am optimistic. But that's - to be honest - not often.

I just get so angry everytime I read some guy laughing about a girl for being a virgin and everything or those first world sex problems.

Because I always think: "They don't know anything!"

They don't know what some girls go through.

No one knows and that's so sad.

And that makes you feel even worse when nobody understands you.

But I understand you.

I really do.

I try and try to love myself but I don't suceed.

But I don't want this chapter to end so negatively. I want to give you something to start with. You have to accept yourself with your vaginismus. But I don't want to quote a whole book here. So I'm gonna recommend you one. Most of the time it's about relationships but there's a lot about loving yourself.

It's called "Love Yourself, And it doesn't matter who you marry" by Eva-Maria Zurhorst.

Go and read it.