Jessica vs. The Jerk

04. Clueless

It turns out planning how to ask a guy out without looking like a total idiot is harder than it sounds. We've been in Renie's room for an hour, and I'm starting to get sick of Renie's dance playlist, which is on shuffle repeat to drown out our conversation from curious ears. Mila's hair has been braided four different ways -- Renie is in the middle of doing a complicated up-do now -- while I sit on the floor leaning against Renie's bed. I'm supposed to be listing ways I can finagle a date out of Mr. Jerkface, but all I have are a blank sheet of paper and a clicky pen. 

Of course, most of our time so far has been spent trying to get me to talk about what happened at lunch today, so it's not like we've been focused on the task at hand.

'How did you get this again?' I wave my copy of Jonah's partial schedule that Renie somehow managed to put together.

'Charm and bullshit. Don't ask.'

We study Jonah's timetable silently. I feel like we're one step away from creepy stalker behaviour, but at this point, I need all the help I can get.

'You can interview him for the podcast,' Renie finally suggests. 'The water polo team is really strong this year. And then after that you can ask him out for coffee.'

It's not a terrible idea, so I write it down, adding a bullet point to google the rules of water polo. We have one plan. Yay!

'You can ask him to the movies,' Mila offers. 'That's pretty easy, and you won't even have to talk to each other for most of it.'

I definitely like the idea of a date where Jonah and I don't talk at all, so it goes in the plan, too.

'You have free period together on Thursday afternoon.'

'I usually study in the library and I never see him there.'

'We need to find out what he does on Thursday afternoon,' Renie suggests.

I sigh. 'Renie, I actually do need to study.'

'It's just one afternoon? You won't flunk if you miss an hour at the library.'

'Fine,' I say huffily. I hate it when my friends gang up on me. 'But you'll have to stalk him yourself. I don't have time for that.'

'Yass!' Mila grins. She points to me. 'Add it to the list.'

I make a note to debase myself by rearranging my afternoon to suit Mr. Jerkface.

'I can throw a party and you can bring him as a date.'

I nix Renie's idea straight away. 'I'm not bringing him where other people will see us.'

'Why the heck not? That's the whole point of my challenge.'

I poke my tongue out at her. 'You didn't specify that.'

'But that's what I meant!'

'Not what you said. Sorry.' I'm not sorry at all.

'But how will we know you went through with it?' Mila asks.

I think about this for a moment. 'I'll take a selfie and send it to you? Just promise you won't send it to anyone else.' My friends look skeptical, so I fake-spit on my hand and hold it out to them.

No one takes my hand. 'That's gross, Jessie.'

'Look, I said I'll do the challenge, but I don't want our classmates talking behind my back. You know what lunchtime gossip is like.'

Renie, whose breakup with Dan Herrera six months ago is still an ongoing saga at school, finally capitulates. 'Whatever. But' -- she looks at me sneakily -- 'can you make sure he's topless?'