Jessica vs. The Jerk

35. If I stay

I laugh, and it's an ugly sound. 'Oh, am I supposed to be grateful for that? Wow! Lucky me! One make-out session behind D-block and you're breaking up with your girlfriend. Must have been some kiss. Imagine what I could do with more practice?'

He grabs my shoulders, his expression thunderous. 'Stop.'

But I'm not done. I shake him off, walking past him to pick up my bag.

'Will you let me explain?'

I'm almost at the door, and I'm tempted to make the most dramatic exit possible. But that tiny piece of my heart that sings when this boy is near wants the explanation. Maybe even needs it.

'Please?'

I turn around, silent.

He can't meet my eyes, and for the first time that I can remember, he looks over my shoulder while he talks to me. 'Remember when I told you after one of the lunchtime touch games that I wasn't interested?'

I feel my face fall.

'I lied.'

And suddenly, I'm having trouble breathing again.

'I thought maybe you were just being friendly. You're everyone's friend, and you're so good at making people feel great about themselves. But I--' Another rough sweep of his hair. 'I liked you, and I had a feeling that getting to know you better would complicate things.' He shifts and pins me with his eyes. 'I was right.'

I shrug, like I don't care. And I don't. Mostly. 'Great. I'm so nice you thought you could treat me like crap. Don't think I haven't forgotten all those times you were mean to me before I was good enough to kiss in the rain.'

He lets out an unhappy sigh. 'I'm sorry about that, too. I thought if I acted like a jerk you'd stay away and I wouldn't have to admit that--'

I look at him in disbelief. 'That what?'

'That I like you! Okay?' He sounds angry now. 'And it would have worked, except you kept being so...nice. And you were always there when I turned around. Eventually, it was easier not to fight it.'

'Oh?' My voice rises and it's out of my control. 'So now I'm easy?'

He winces. 'That's not what--'

'For your information, Jonah, I'm nice to everyone.' I cross my arms, feeling more and more outraged with each word. 'Because I like people. I want to see them happy. It makes me happy to be around happy people. How dare you make that sound like a bad thing? You of all people should know that happiness isn't something I take for granted.'

'Jessica!' Jonah raising his voice is so unusual that it shuts me up. 'I know that! I didn't know it before, but I know it now. This is coming out all wrong, but what I'm trying to say is that your friendship was the one thing that made life here bearable.' He grins at me, a familiar cheeky look briefly crossing his face. 'That and my Jeep.'

I roll my eyes. It's really not the best time for charm.

'Anyway,' he continues without letting me speak, 'I thought maybe I was just one of your friendship projects--'

I give him a wtf look.

He looks a little embarrassed. 'I asked the guys on the team about you. They said you always try to befriend the new students. That you make it a point to be friends with everyone. So I figured I was just your latest project. I mean' -- he sounds defensive now -- 'I didn't exactly encourage you, and you still kept talking to me.'

I blush because it's true. Because I had a crush on him. 'That doesn't excuse what you did to me.'

'When I went home for Christmas, I almost broke it off with Fi -- Fiona -- but I thought I'd only be here for another six months, and you're only sixteen, and I was sure I could do the right thing and stay away from you.' His look is intense once more. 'Obviously, I was wrong.'

My throat feels dry. 'Did you have sex with her?'

He looks shocked at the question. I don't know why. I'm not stupid. I know what his continual references to me being sixteen are all about.

'When you were home for Christmas,' I clarify. I assume they had sex before that, and even though it's painful to think about, at least it was before we became friends. 'Did you sleep with her during Christmas break?'

'No!' He runs both hands through his hair -- he must really be agitated -- and for a second I expect him to grab me. Instead, he walks slowly, deliberately, toward me until I can smell the remnants of gum and I can see the flecks of amber and green in his eyes. His voice is crisp and precise. 'I did not have sex with her.'

I step back. 'Did you kiss her?' I can tell by the way his eyes flick away from me that he did, and it feels like my heart is breaking again. 'When we were messaging on Facebook, were you holding her hand?'

He's silent.

'How can I trust you, Jonah?' My voice cracks at the mention of his name.

He sighs and shakes his head as he looks down. He looks as defeated as a feel, and the worst thing is that the two people at fault are both standing in this room.

'Tell me,' he says in a low voice. 'Tell me what you want me to do. How do I fix this?'

'You can't.' I want this so badly. To put my arms around Jonah, and feel his arms around me, and take back the last couple of weeks. To rewind time, so that we're standing in the rain again, sharing Tim Tams and kisses and plans for the future. But if I do that, I'll become a person that I can't respect, and I don't think I could live with that.

He looks as devastated as I feel, and it's more than I can bear.

'Wait!' his voice is desperate as I finally reach for the door. I pull it open anyway, because there's only so much I can take and I'm already exhausted from the effort of walking away. 'What about Film Studies? We need to watch the DVD.'

I'm momentarily surprised by the change in subject.

'Are you free tomorrow night?' He walks toward me. 'It's better if we watch it together.'

I sidle through the doorway before he reaches me.

'Sorry,' I say with a shrug. 'I can't do tomorrow.'

'Don't be stupid, Jessica. You can be pissed off at me, but I have to pass this subject.' Jonah's expression irritates me. It asks me why I'm running away. It implies that I'm a coward, but hides behind schoolwork, of all things. 'We have to watch that film.'

'I can't watch it with you.' I give him a smirk for emphasis. 'I have a date.'

The look on his face as I shut the door is almost worth the feeling of my heart breaking all over again.

Almost.

* * *

A/N: So much drama, omg! What do you guys think? Can Jonah ever make up for what he did? Will Jessie really go on a date with Dan? And if you're wondering where Jessie's friends are, you'll be seeing them again soon. They'd never allow Jessie to keep them at arm's length for long.

Thanks again for voting and commenting on this story. It means SO much to me. If you've just discovered Jessica Vs. The Jerk, don't be afraid to let me know what you think. When I was new to Wattpad, I was too embarrassed to leave comments at first. But as a writer, all I can say is that every comment -- even if it's just an emoji -- brings a smile to my face. So again: THANK YOU.

x Brie

PS Dedicated to stupiditypersonified -- thanks for the votes and follow!

Next: How will Jessie's date end???