fucked. [z.m]

[emotional.]

[emotional.]

       She wobbles, almost drunk-like, home. She was sure she was going the right way, but then again, she was too caught up in her sorrows (and the vodka running through her veins) to realize much of anything. Without a thought in mind, she looks at the familiar door, knocking on it harshly. No one was home and she's surprised when the door swings open. She finds his familiar eyes on her and she stumbles inside, only to burst into tears as she slumps down beside the door. "I'm not shit,"
       "Jesus, Sienna," he groans and grasps her upper arms, trying to pull her up.
       "You can try, but you'll only get crushed if I fall forward." She tries hard not to cry. "God, I'm so useless." She scoffs. "You have a girlfriend, Lawryn is getting married and I can't even find myself a dildo to fuck with—never mind a man. I have no one." She sniffles and rubs her eyes. "Ya'know, Lawryn set Cody and I up."
       "Who?"
       "I thought he actually liked me. He gave me his number and everything," she chokes a sob. "But then he told me the truth. Lawryn paid him to go out with me." She sobs, slurring as she does so. Leaning to one side, she sinks further on the floor.
       "Sienna," he leans forward, trying to get her to focus on him.
       "You're so beautiful, and I'm a glob of fat that everyone wants to toss to the side," she slurs, the tears streaming down her face. "No wonder you left. No wonder you used me. Just like everyone else will,"
       Without anything else to say, she wallows in her pain before somehow managing to fall asleep.

       In the morning, she doesn't recognize the feeling of the sheets she lies in. she looks around the room in confusion, noting how she's in a different place. Did I get drunk and have sex with someone? Lifting the sheets, she finds herself fully clothed. Sighing in relief, she moves the sheets aside.
       She moans softly under her breath, feeling her head pulsating like it was being hammered ever five seconds. She looks over to find aspirin and some oj. Grabbing the two, she chugs them down, setting the cup back on the bedside table.
       The door opens and she freezes when she sees his bleached blonde hair and his dark beard and caramel eyes. Embarrassed and ashamed, she turns to look down at her hands. "Mornin'," he closes the door behind him and brings her the tray of food.
       Still refusing to look at him, she turns to look out the window. "Did I come here, drunk?"
       "Drunk and crying actually." He sets the tray down on her lap, maneuvering his way around.
       Taking a deep breath, she tries not to let the embarrassment take over her. "I thought you had left."
       "I did, I flew back yesterday." He settles in the bed in front of her. "Eat something, it'll help with the hangover."
       She looks at the food, her stomach growling at the sight. She turns away, shoving it towards him. "I'm not hungry." She swallows thickly, biting her lip to keep from crying again.
       "Starving yourself won't solve anything," he shoves a small pancake into his mouth, wiping his lips with a napkin.
       She scoffs weakly. "What do you know?"
       "Quite a bit actually. Ever since you told me what happened last night."
       "What?" She looks at him in surprise.
       He nods while eating a strawberry. "Yeah," he licks his lips. "Tell me who this Cody guy is."
       She shrugs. "I thought I told you everything last night."
       "I just want some clarification."
       She licks her lips. "Before I got drunk and shit last night, I went out to dinner with her. He told me some things and...yeah."
       "I think I saw you two yesterday, dining, right?"
       She nods hesitantly. "Yeah, I think you did."
       "I saw you two outside too. It seemed like you got into an argument, I thought the two of you were already together." He shrugs.
       "No, he's some guy I knew since eighth grade."
       He nods, looking at her for a moment.
       There's a long silence in the room before she works up the courage to ask him, "Does she sleep on this side?" She pats the bed of which they both sit on. She swallows hard, preparing herself for the answer.
       He looks at her as she waits for his answer patiently. "Yes."
       "Do you love her?" Her voice is a soft and low whisper.
       He tears his eyes away from hers for a moment. "Yes."
       She can feel her heart wrenching in the most horrible way. The pain was indescribable, as if someone was burning her from the inside out. She quickly looks away. "I made a mistake coming here, didn't I?" She gets up, pushing the blankets aside as she makes her way to her feet.
       "Wait," Zayn grabs her arm gently. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I want to try to help you."
       She doesn't look at him. She doesn't say anything. She pulls away from his touch, grabbing her things quickly before she's leaving.
       The walk home was chilly. She wanted to stay outside and hope that she could freeze to death instead of living with this pain. The only thing she could think about was how her life was set up for disappointment and betrayal. She wipes away at her wet cheeks, trying to seem okay as she walks her way home. I need this; I need to fit into society's views of perfection. I need to remove all fats. I need to be stick thin and maybe someone will find me. I need to be like every other skinny model because this is what society, the world and everyone else wants. They don't believe in differences. They want us to be the same. Maybe I'll find someone who'll love me because I'll be skinnier now.
       The poisonous thoughts stream through her mind like a repetitive song she was trying to memorize, unable to realize she was pushing herself towards her own death. She walks almost inanimately to her hotel room, flopping down onto her bed and falling asleep for what felt like weeks.