Thoughts of the damned

Mistakes

Sometimes you wake up in the morning, feeling like you don't know what to do with your life; why you are here, what people expect from you.

You lay there looking blankly at the ceiling of a place that doesn't feel like home anymore, as if you never knew the people you call family, as if their strangers.

And you wonder; why do I feel like this? What happened to that little girl you used to be. That bright smile that was real, the laugh that you forgot you had.

You don't feel like you anymore, you feel like an empty shell; a body with no heartbeat, with no soul.

The people you thought were family are suddenly strangers with stares that make you feel like you're a mistake. These people are the demons in your head that mock you and tell you that you're worthless and a waste of space.

But you've grown so accustomed to these devils that you listened...and let me tell you that was a mistake.

They tell you to skip a meal, and you'll go the whole day without any food. They tell you to take a knife and slide it across your skin; and you watch as the knife creates a perfect straight cut across your wrist. You watch the dark red blood drip off your wrist and hit the wooden floor beneath you. You feel a sudden warmth go through your body, and you realize you like it; you like the way the blade smoothly slides across your skin, and the way the blood comes out of your now stained wrist and drops to the floor.

By now you are convinced that everyone hates you, so you lock yourself in your room blaring the music so nobody can hear your screams of agony.

You've skipped dinner the past two weeks now; you look at yourself in the mirror and see how you are skinnier than before. And you smile to yourself feeling satisfaction that you have listened to the voices.

You used to hate the voices in your head telling you to do things, but now you trust the voices. Because they are your savoir,

They will take you away from all this pain you feel. The pain caused from your family, friends, school, and yourself.

You feel as if you're watching yourself from outside your body. As you take a look at yourself, you notice the empty look in your eyes, the scar covered wrist, the tear stained face, and the blade clutched in your right hand. But you don't recognize yourself; what happened to the bubbly girl everyone loved, the girl who would remix songs in the car causing everyone to laugh, and you think about what happened to the happy you.

But that's where they pull you back in, they whisper in your ear "that girl died long ago, this is you now." And you listen to their words and feel sadness and anger take over your body, that's when you realize you're laying in your room crying holding the blade you call your friend so tightly in your little hand that it's cutting your palm. You scream "I'm sorry!" Repeatedly, hoping the pain will go away.

That's when they come back to you, the demons living in your head. They tell you it's time and that they will take you away from all this pain and hate in the world, take you somewhere you will be loved and happy.

And that word clings to you, "happy" something you haven't felt in a long time, something you're craving to feel.

You look to your left and find the medications given to you from your doctor.

You grab the pills and a pen and paper, and go to your desk. You look at the blank sheet of paper and know instantly what you're going to write.

"Dear Mom and Dad,

I LOVE YOU so much! Please know that it's not your fault. Don't remember me for this, remember me for the happy times we had. Like when I was sugar high and remixed every song that came on the radio, and made mom laugh so hard that you almost cried. Or the time me and dad pulled pranks on Jordan. Please know that I tried everything, but they won this battle. Tell Jordan that I love him, and am proud of him! Tell him to keep fighting this battle, not to give in. And tell Zoe to stop growing up! Stay young and happy. Tell her I think she's beautiful and the best sister I could have ever asked for. Please know that no matter what I could never have asked for a better family. I'm sorry...so, so sorry. Don't ever blame yourselves for this. Please remember all the good times. And please no matter what stay together, never lose sight of what's in front of you like I did. I love you guys so much never forget that!

Love,

Your daughter Riley"

You then walk into the kitchen and grab the bottle of whiskey your dad has. Your home alone, and now is your chance, you take the pills and whisky and lay on your bed. Pouring the whole bottle of pills on your bed, you open the whiskey with your shaking hand. Still crying you place the paper on the edge of your bed, saying I'm sorry one last time, saying I love you guys hoping somehow they will hear it.

You take the pills in your hand and shove them in your mouth, taking a chug from the whiskey to swallow them down, you feel at ease as you slowly lay back. And just like that you're gone, a young girl destroyed by the ones around her, destroyed by herself.

And it sucks that you now realize it was a mistake, you should have kept fighting. You'll never get to kiss your mother and tell her you love her, or hug your dad and laugh. You'll never get to see your baby sister grow up into the amazing women she's going to be, and your brother...he's a mess just like everyone else you knew. He is going through the same battle you were, what happened to together until the end huh?

You were a lost soul, who couldn't find its way back, but you didn't want help from anyone, that was your problem you never talked to anyone.

Now you watch over them from above, guiding them on their path. They will never forget you, nobody will.

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